Can counseling save my relationship?

**livinlife2006** · 07-25-2010 09:51 AM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 1/2 years. We have lived together for a year now. About a year ago my boyfriend told me if no longer loves me. It has been very hard living with someone who doesn't love me. We took a week and a half no communicating break and he informed me that he did not miss me. Maybe the break wasn't long enough, who knows?
So our relationship seems like a different story. My boyfriend is still very affectionate, does little things for me, includes me in his life, communicates, and treats me wonderfully. These actions make it hard for me to understand how he couldn't love me. We both have similar interests and values. I am a pretty laid back person.. Always listening, supporting, and fair. We have disagreements but we are not the type of people to have huge fights. Our relationship is positive a lot. He says he thinks it's him so I thought maybe couples counseling may help. He says he is willing to do that. I am wondering if the counseling may work for this situation we are in. Can it help him fall back in love with me or at least realize he does love me? I have always thought he did love me but he thinks he doesn't. I believe it is because we are at the point of being comfortable with each other. No, there is not someone else in his life. Please serious answers because this is very hard for me..

**jns** · 07-25-2010 10:05 AM

It sounds like he loves you, just is not in love with you. When the transition comes from being in love , to just loving someone, it can be very traumatic to some. They end up questioning the very relationship. In marriage it will happen sooner or later. The key point is that being in love is not necessary for a much longer relationship of loving someone. You do not have to go about life feeling as if your heart was ripped out for a temporary separation. You still desire them and want to be with them, but it is not as incapacitating. Counseling should help.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-25-2010 10:37 AM

I think you are going to be hard pressed to make someone "realize" they love you, if they think they don't. Love is an emotion that you just feel... look at the love you have for your boyfriend.... He has said he doesn't love you, and your love for him is so strong it hangs in there anyway.... thats love. But unfortunately, if he doesn't feel the same way I don't think you can convince him he does it feel it.

If he loved you once before, and is just apathetic now, and not feeling the same... your in an uphill battle to convince him he really does love you... and some may consider a futile one. He's demonstrating part of his character to you... and you'd be foolish to ignore it. Say counseling does make him realize he loves you, afterall... would you carry the fear that a few years down the road... or MANY invested years, a mortgage and 3 kids down the road... he says he doesn't love you, that he told you he didn't but felt pressured into loving you, so tried but can't anymore.

I think its a sign of hope that he's even agreeing to counseling. The only way I could see it being beneficial is if there was a reason for his breakdown in feelings... either within himself or in your relationship that can be addressed and corrected in a way that makes him organically feel what he did before.

Other than that. as much as you love this man... you deserve to have that love returned from someone-- whether its him or someone else down the road.

Try to remember what was going on last year when he said this, has he been going through depression? Any lifestyle changes or problems at work? New stresses? Issues with his family? Have you guys developed any huge differences that he can't seem to get passed?

Sometimes people just don't feel 'love' for others in the way most do... is he loving you the best that he is capable of? Or does he know he is capable of giving love but not in this particular situation? Those are things to understand and hopefully counseling will help you guys work that out.

I'm sorry for your situation, I can't imagine the sinking stomach of hearing the words that are the opposite of what you want to hear and then going on to live with him for a year after that with the knowledge that he doesn't feel like you do. I hope you get through this together... and if not to know that you are still worthy of love even if it wasn't him that was capable of giving it.

**Allie602** · 07-25-2010 12:11 PM

He told you he didn't miss you sounds like something better left unsaid, it was mean. Does he throw in other mean statements in between the good treatment. He may want you to leave the relationship so that he does not seem like the bad guy. He is being kind so as not to hurt you. He would be would be kinder to just cut ties with you instead of being nice. Be good to yourself and move on don't waste any more time in this dead end relationship. There are plenty of men out their and there is one for you.

Sometimes something happens in relationships that makes it apparent to one party that the person they thought would work out will not for a longterm partner. Please don't feel that it's you it's you it's a compatibility issue. He may not want to tell you or he may not know what it is but you really don't need to know because you did nothing wrong.

Please do move on. He has been honest with and he ment what he said, now you must move on to find that someone who is out there who will find you to be just the person. Don't waste more time, things will come to a head when he finds someone else and has to ask you to move out, so leave now to preserve your dignity and to get over him and move on.
I really don't think he is going to fall in love with you again and he probably wants you to move on. Do that and be surgical about it, cut off contact so you can concentrate on the next person who will come into your life. Good luck.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-25-2010 05:13 PM

We have lived together for a year now. About a year ago my boyfriend told me if no longer loves me.

Question, why did you move in-together? And, did he state this, after you both moved in-together or before? What is that living arrangement like financially? Did things change when you moved in?

Just looking at the 1yr ago, and 1yr ago comment....

As others have stated there is love and in-love... Do you feel that before you moved in to-gether things were different?

CW

**livinlife2006** · 07-25-2010 05:47 PM

We actually moved in together last June officially. Before that, I lived with him at his apartment 7 months before that. He told me he started not loving me during that summer we moved in officially.

**livinlife2006** · 07-26-2010 07:44 AM

Things have always been the same even before moving in together. We moved in together because we both wanted to. Everything is fair as far as financial stuff goes.

**BabyGirl** · 07-26-2010 08:31 PM

You don't say if you have ever talked Marriage or Kids or the future together. I tend to agree with the others, He very well may love you, but more as a Best Friend or "roomie" with benifits.

You probably do the majority of housework and cooking and share the expences for the bills.

If you do go out together, does he introduce you has his Girlfriend or does he just say " this is Jane ( your Name) " ? Does he ever go out alone or be gone a night or whole day when a day off ? these are questions that you might take a look into.

Him being willing to go to counseling is a sign that he at least cares about you in some way. And your comming here shows you care for him. Ask yourself a couple of questions.

1) Are you in Love with him, is he in your thoughts and heart constantly, even when apart ?

2) If you see an attractive man, do you even think " Wow he's Cute " or have any spark if a guy smiles or flirts with you ?

3) Are you comfortable and secure in having your bf as just a roomie or Bf with bennies ?

4) Are you willing to accept the day he says " I've found someone I'm In Love With " ?

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