How do you get over or stop thinking about an abusive ex?

**Magnetism** · 07-25-2010 01:23 PM

It's been 2 years since I've had no contact with this person. I've tried everything from keeping busy, seeing a counselor, reading self-help books, improving my self-esteem, meeting new people, and even taking medication to help with the flashbacks and nightmares of him. Why do I feel like it's not enough? Does anybody have any ideas? How did you get over the memories of an abusive partner? Does it stay with you forever or what?

I have NO feelings for this person and was never in love with him. Yet, I feel like he still controls me. I hear his voice in my head like it's a tape recorder. Everytime something goes wrong with a date, I hear him say "See! I told you nobody likes you! You're not pretty enough. You're crazy and no man would want you." Why is it taking so long to get rid of his words?

To make a long story short, I made a topic about him here.

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...dont-like.html

While we broke up in 2005, he stayed in my life as a "friend" up until 2008. Unfortunately, our so-called "friendship" turned into a forced FWB situation (which makes me want to puke just thinking about it). I didn't realize keeping him in my life was preventing me from meeting anyone else new. My ex kept reinforcing, "I'm trying to help you and protect you from all the assholes out there."

When dates ask me, "Why have you been single for so long?", I don't know what to say. I can't just go into this right away.

**jns** · 07-25-2010 02:07 PM

PB, I don't think you ever completely lose thinking about what your ex put you through unless you repress it, but repression usually causes even worse problems. You do have to put it in the proper perspective so you can have it out of your mind as much as possible. The best way to minimize it over time is to have a good relationship that causes you to never or rarely go there.

As always, I don't have a good answer as far as one or several places to go for high quality prospects. Many people these days like to go for the online version of spreading lies. I tend to think that online makes spreading lies easier. Many high quality prospects either don't go online, or find they have to become liars to compete and then they find out that they are amateurs.

I wish you all the luck in the world in finding a good boyfriend that is willing to go where you want him to and is enthusiastic about it.

**holetoledo** · 07-25-2010 03:11 PM

I had the same problem when I was with a guy in 2007... He liked to control everything, and he didn't even want to "define" the relationship. Everything had to be on his terms. I was still feeling horrible about everything after it all ended in May... I always heard his voice in my head, too, and it was as though he had made up all of my confidence instead of my creating it for myself. I went to a psychotherapist and that helped me a lot, but what also did help me was to do things that I've never done by myself. Whether it was going to another state alone for tourist attractions, or riding on AMTRAK. When you're alone and doing things for yourself, I find that it really builds up confidence and self-esteem because you find that you have to rely on yourself and not on the "recording" of the ex in your head. He always used to tell me that I was too predictable, so I did unpredictable things according to me. He's not physically in my head and obviously he doesn't understand me so it would be useless to try to prove a point to someone who isn't there. Prove something to yourself

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-25-2010 04:36 PM

See! I told you nobody likes you! You're crazy and no man would want you."

Even someone my age, sweet has heard those words...Ex-husband.. It was actually when they were spoken, that the penny dropped and I thought "what the?" and left, still in the back of my mind wondering.

You have to look in that mirror and really see. You have to realise, it was only stated to keep you, that control.. a tool, a power over someone, it worked.

It's called "conditioning" and fortunately your lucky, your no longer being conditioned.. He's gone... so that's how you get past it, in the knowing of it.

He's saying that to someone else now, how sad a man is he, that he will end up losing everyone, he touches over life and end up a lonley old man, whilst you actually are beautiful, inside & out and free and have the doors open to find someone loving, how wonderful a life you are now going to have.

Remember the above...............and believe.

If we want to change something we have to believe, and the best way is affirmations and read them every day as many times as your can, our brain is a very, very, powerful tool.

CW