Thread: I snooped. I'm ashamed. But now what?

He is keeping it from you because he thought it would upset you. There are a lot of people who remain on good terms with their exes - it can depend on the cause of a split. I think it is possible to fall out of love with someone, but still like them as a friend. If both are OK with the new situation I don't see any problem with it.

I kept in contact with an old girlfriend (this was 25 years ago). We had been friends, became a couple, decided that it didn't work out, but remained friends. Over the years since then we gradually drifted apart - haven't contacted her in 10 years.

Was there anything in their conversation to indicate that there was something illicit going on, or were they just chatting?

He might be VERY offended that you snooped (I would be).

My advice: Don't mention it. Don't hold it against him (assuming it was innocent chatting). Don't do it again. Consider that you owe him forgiveness for a one time major screwup in the future.

I think what you did was wrong - that's OK, everyone dose things they shouldn't on occasion.

Chances are he will just lie again about it if you don't come clean. He's already been lying about it, thinks you have no reason to question it, so why not continue lying? I did the same thing, snooped, and found much worse things about my bf. I tried it your way first, not admitting to snooping, and just asking him about things. And he lied. Lied and lied and lied. About everything I asked him. It let it sit for a week, destroying myself inside, before I had to come clean because I couldn't take it anymore, and then he was "caught," so obviously he had to admit to it. It has not been a fun 4 months for us, trying to get past his horrible behavior... Yours doesn't sound SO bad, but it's definitely bad that he is LYING about it. I mean, if there were nothing to hide, why would he lie?

Sorry. Good luck.

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

He is keeping it from you because he thought it would upset you. There are a lot of people who remain on good terms with their exes - it can depend on the cause of a split. I think it is possible to fall out of love with someone, but still like them as a friend. If both are OK with the new situation I don't see any problem with it.

I kept in contact with an old girlfriend (this was 25 years ago). We had been friends, became a couple, decided that it didn't work out, but remained friends. Over the years since then we gradually drifted apart - haven't contacted her in 10 years.

Was there anything in their conversation to indicate that there was something illicit going on, or were they just chatting?

He might be VERY offended that you snooped (I would be).

My advice: Don't mention it. Don't hold it against him (assuming it was innocent chatting). Don't do it again. Consider that you owe him forgiveness for a one time major screwup in the future.

I think what you did was wrong - that's OK, everyone dose things they shouldn't on occasion.

But chatting with an ex a few times a week? While saying it was months ago? I just don't think either of those things are appropriate. It's one thing to be on friendly, platonic, terms with an ex - it's another to talk a few times a week. That's just too close IMO, especially when the current partner is being kept in the dark about it. It would be another thing if they ALL became friends, awkward as it may be, at least he would be being open and honest about it, no secret friendships.