I need a listening ear, anybody

**SomiticPit** · 07-31-2010 11:52 AM

How do you deal?

1.) He's not over his ex-girlfriend.
2.) He doesn't want to be in a relationship.
3.) He said he wanted me around.
4.) I really fell for this guy.
5.) He wanted me to be patient.
6.) He said I was the only girl he wanted to be with.
7.) We spent so much time together, people thought we were a couple.
8.) He flirts with other girls in front of my face.
9.) My brother caught him making out with her literally behind my back.
10.) Moments later, he invites me to come home with him.
11.) My feelings are hurt.
12.) He doesn't feel he's done wrong because we weren't "together".
13.) Now it's over. He could care less.
14.) What do I do?

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-31-2010 12:01 PM

1. You thank your lucky stars that you have found out what he really is before investing ANY more of yourself into this man.

A person not over an ex cannot appreciate fully what they have in front of them. They are still wrapped up in notions of what could have been. They are dillusional and can't see the break up for what it is, a sign that the relationship was not meant to be and instead only see it for what it might have become if not for this or that.

They can't fully invest and don't want to. They need time to realize what they had is over, they need time to figure out what makes them happy so they are able to recognize it in someone else. So you were working up hill from the moment you realized he wasn't over his ex.

Him wanting you around shouldn't be a shocker. What guy wouldn't want you around? You are beautiful, smart, funny... you should make sure the guys you are around are worthy of your presence, not the other way around.

He showed you NO respect in flirting in front of you, he disregarded your feelings by making out with someone else with you nearby. Is that really the kind of man you want for yourself? Let him be someone elses heartache, someone elses problem.

**Futureboy** · 07-31-2010 12:04 PM

He's an emotional wreck or just out for what he can get (probably the former)

I suggest you move on as best you can. If he wants you he will get himself straight and find you.

**Futureboy** · 07-31-2010 12:05 PM

HD always says it better :-)

**SomiticPit** · 07-31-2010 12:06 PM

Oh my gosh. Thank you so much. I really am hurt over this quite terribly because I was starting to care about him. I'm on the verge of tears and I hate feeling this way. We weren't even together and I feel like we just broke up.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-31-2010 01:07 PM

As long as you allow this person in your life....you will continuously feel like you are breaking up over and over and over. He doesn't aim to please. He "wants" you around on his string, because he's selfish. He tells you to be "patient".....but for what? "Please be patient, maybe some day I'll want you...and when I do I don't want you to be with someone else". But have you asked yourself, "why doesn't he consider me good enough NOW?"

He makes excuse after excuse. But "he's just not that into you". He sees good things in you I'm sure.....but his priorities are elsewhere, you're not what he wants right now. He just wants you on the string in case he changes his mind. Guys like him need constant attention from females.

It's over and he doesn't care. This should speak volumes to you.

What do you do now? Cut your ties, completely. He is not a friend to you, he is not a boyfriend to you.......and frankly he doesn't deserve to be anything to you. Very bluntly, you are totally wasting your time being with him, fretting over him, etc. It's wasted effort. I know this because I've done it....with someone very similar. It was VERY damaging to my self esteem to continue having him in my life. He started contacting me again after 2 years of no contact. Same old thing. "I may be WITH her, but I'm not happy....I miss you". I quickly realized nothing had changed. He still didn't see me as "good enough". I sent him an email and asked him politely not to contact me anymore. It took nothing more than a few texts from him for me to start feeling a drop in my self esteem....though he said nothing DIRECTLY bad to me. I didn't need that. YOu don't need it either. Cut your ties. Consider yourself LUCKY.....and move on.

**SomiticPit** · 07-31-2010 01:23 PM

Now how do I go about getting over him? How do I not focus on him

**WildChild** · 07-31-2010 02:03 PM

Get busy. Rearrange your furniture, get out with your gfs, go hiking or biking. Occupy your mind and body

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-31-2010 02:28 PM

1. At every endearing thought of him, remind yourself you were in love with what you WANTED to have with him, not what you truly had. NOT with what he truly is, but what you hoped for him to be.

2. Delete his number. Do not call, do not text, do not email, do not skype, do not tweet, do not drive by his house, do not hang out where you know he'll be to try to make him jealous. Ignore any attempts of contact from him. Seriously.....long as you're hanging on to a thread, you'll not get over it. You're in control.

3. Plan girls nights. Not nights to go find guys...just good ole fun girls nights where you laugh, tell stories, vent, and truly enjoy yourself.

4. Exercise daily...whether running, walking, aerobics, biking, dancing....do something that makes you sweat.

5. Read....paint.....draw....download music.....write....do whatever it is you're passionate about and enjoy doing.

6. Repeat number 1. Accept reality for what it is...not what you hoped it to be. Don't be the girl that's okay with being strung along by a string. Don't be the girl thats okay with being someones second choice....much less their last choice. Long as you are that girl....the guy that wants to make you his first and only choice will not be able to find you.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-31-2010 11:38 PM

Whatever you do, do not reconnect with him in order to put a bandaid on this hurt. You know it won't last and will only wash off eventually and your injury will be agitated all over again. Its hard, he may call, text, etc.. and ask how you are doing and when you are still aching for him... its so easy to fall back into what was causing you so much heartsickness... for a temporary relief from it.

Stay strong for each moment that passes with you apart is a step toward healing and recovering from the hold he has had on your heart. I know you've been in love before, or at least in a deep enough crush that your heart sunk at some point and you didn't imagine you'd ever get over it... but you did. This too shall past.

When you are in the thick of a heartbreak it feels like the pain will never go away, but it will. Like BD said... everytime you think you miss him... remind yourself of what it is it was really like with him. Don't romanticize in your mind the few times he made you smile and ignore the bulk of the time that he made you feel secondary and unimportant. Thats what you need to recall, when you find yourself missing him.

Since time is the ONLY true cure for getting over a lost love... you have to find a way to pass the time as smoothly as possible. STAY BUSY. Throw yourself into something you are passionate about. Music, school, work, exercise, charity, pets, friends and family.

Get your hair and nails done, get a sexy new outfit and hit the town and FLIRT. Flirt flirt flirt. I don't reccommend hooking up with anyone at this point, but flirt flirt flirt. Stop and notice that guy checking you out at the store and smile to yourself. Remind yourself of the catch you know you are.

I've seen your pictures sweetie in that other thread... and I know there are men that would sell all their ex girlfriends stuff they were holding to as memorobilia on ebay for just one shot at a cup of coffee with you. You don't need to grovel, sit in the background and wait on some guy that can't give you what you deserve.

I've read what you've written on countless threads.. you are well spoken, caring, giving, smart with a clever sense of humor. A pretty girl with those qualities is not something that is very easy to come by. Know your worth, its abundant.

Read books, write blogs, play video games... watch tons of movies. Just occupy your mind as best you can and before you know it you will wake up and he won't cross your mind and when he does it will only sting a bit. Then more time will pass and it wont sting at all and he will just be a small footnote in the book of your life.

Take this all as a life lesson, not as a mistake... a chance for you to grow and learn what you will or won't tolerate from the start. To be aware of the symptoms of someone wrapped up in their own past and to steer clear of guys that aren't ready to appreciate what they have in you.