Is this unhealthy?

**SomiticPit** · 08-01-2010 02:09 PM

I just recently posted a thread about a recent sort of "break-up" I went through with a guy I was in a relationship with, but it wasn't set in stone that we were actually together. I had to discontinue seeing him because he wasn't over his ex, and was disregarding my feelings towards him by wanting me to stick around but yet he would flirt and make out with other women at places we were at together. So, no more of him. Really hurt my feelings cause I liked him so much.

So when I woke up the next morning after my last discussion with him, I wanted so badly to see my ex boyfriend. I even drove by his house but didn't knock on his door because I felt like I was being sad and stupid. I ended up getting a hold of him later that day, and we attended a music festival together. I had the chance to tell him about the guy, and he listened and gave me some good advice.

Now, onto the real issue here. The relationship we used to have was a very negative one. Jealousy was the main problem, his possessiveness over me was very powerful and he was very controlling. I was stubborn and independent so you can see why that didn't work out. But the love I had for him was very strong. I know I have written about him on previous threads (he's the neighbor and landlords son if anyone might happen to remember).

So I went to the club with him last night. And his controlling actions came back. He wasn't happy about me wearing a club-type of shirt (flowy, a bit of cleavage). He would have rather have seen me in a t-shirt! I asked flip flops or high heels. He said flip flops. Jeans or leggings? Jeans. He doesn't like me looking sexy around other men. He wanted me next to his side at every moment. When he left to go to the bathroom, I had to dance with his friends and his friends only, as if they were keeping an eye on me. When I stepped away for a bit, he pointed to the ground next to him in a way that said, "Over here, now." I knew better than to upset him because I just didn't want to go there and I wanted the night to be easy and enjoyable. And in a way, I enjoyed the fact that he wanted me there with him. It almost felt good, and I KNOW that is not good.

We went to get something to eat afterwards. He got upset because I spoke to another man who was there. We ended up leaving without eating.

I'm not going to ever cut him out of my life just because he's controlling. Because he IS a good man. I know his ways. He's sooooo funny! He knows how to have a good time. I really enjoy his company. I know he cares about me, I like the comfort I can find when I'm with him. He thinks I'm sexy and I think he's sexy. And we're awesome together in the bedroom. His only problem is his possessiveness over me, and his controlling ways. That's the only problem I have with him.

So?

**jns** · 08-01-2010 02:39 PM

I think you controlling ex boyfriend is bad news. He realizes that the heavy-handed way he was with you before didn't work, so he is going at it in smaller chunks, but in the same controlling fashion. Your love for him will get you into trouble. After a number of get-togethers and break-ups you will acquiesce to his control. It will seem only a small amount at first, but it will be more as the relationship goes on. Depending on your personality and his, it could get very volatile. My advice is to get away from the situation, including moving so as to not be tempted to reignite it.

**SomiticPit** · 08-01-2010 03:43 PM

Moving seems a bit much to me. I can't see myself ever trying to kick him out of my life. I am starting to believe that some people are just controlling by nature and he's such a good guy other than that. I want to know how I can deal with that. We aren't together, but I know I want to spend more time with him again. Why does every relationship I encounter have to come with problems? Can I just be in a normal relationship that sails smoothly?

**KMonte85** · 08-02-2010 12:31 PM

You absolutely can be in a normal relationship that sails smoothly... all you have to do is get out of your own way.

Stop allowing yourself to be treated poorly. Stop going back to the same guys you've had problems with. Stop the cycle.

You're right. Some people are controlling by nature, myself included. But I try to control myself and the situations I am in. I would NEVER attempt to control someone else, that is not my right. That is not your ex's right. We are our own beings, and a man especially one whom you are not committed to in any way shape or form, should NEVER tell you "you will wear this," "in my absense you will stay here with these chaperones," and "I have returned and you will come to my side."

The way you describe your night with your ex reminds me very much of the obedience training I gave my dog when he was a puppy - this is your collar, you will wear it and you will like it. Sit. Stay. Come. Heal. Good dog.

Go out of your normal social situations and meet some new people. Find a hobby or club to join, get away from the same old, same old because it is doing you no good. You're getting stuck in the same discouraging situations over and over. You will only find someone great for you if you find someone you haven't already had issues with, and someone who doesn't share the same characteristics as the last few guys you've dated. And if you set your standards so that you are an equal to him, a person to be respected, you will find a man who will respect you, who will treat you as an equal, and a relationship that is normal, without problems, can set sail... just as you've said you want!

**sourpuss** · 08-02-2010 01:05 PM

Leaving a restaurant because he was upset over you talking to someone is WAY over the top, even if you were dating, and you're not.
No, it's not healthy and there are plenty of sexy, funny great guys out there that don't have jealously hangups.

You may want to figure out why you keep ending up with men who are bad for you before you are back in the dating scene.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-02-2010 03:39 PM

Re-read your post and try to pretend someone else wrote it.

Here are the things the girl says:

1. I ask him what to wear and let him pick.
2. He gets angry if I wear something that I look cute in
3. He degrades me, my independence, my identity as a woman by snapping his fingers at me and telling me "Over Here now".
4. He gets angry when I talk to other men
5. We're not dating
6. I will never cut him out of my life

So you ask "Is this unhealthy?"....... but you already know the answer to this. Yes it is unhealthy, and frankly his behaviour would probably score a 9 out or 10 on the charts for a man who is most likely to become an abuser, both emotional and physical. You're smart....and you know this.

So why is it that instead of going out and enjoying some girl time, planning some fun things for yourself....that you almost instantly try to stick another man in your life to replace the other one? Ask yourself this. Do you NEED the physical presence of a man in your life to feel worthy.....even if this means a man who disrespects you, degrades you, controls you to an unreasonable extent?

Now is not the time for you to date anyone and that is very clear. That includes dragging out old relationships that are clearly old relationships for a reason.

Yes. Very unhealthy. But you already know this....because you're a smart beautiful strong woman....you just haven't figured that out yet.

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