Devastated...

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-01-2010 07:17 PM

My cousin and who is now her husband take a trip every year to the mountains. A big group of couples normally go. On one previous year they asked me to go...I being the single girl paying rent, car payment, etc simply could not afford to go and told them why I had to decline. The next year, they didn't even mention it to me until the very last minute at which time all the beds were already full and I'd have to sleep on the couch. Again, financially I just couldn't do it as my job was very shaky. Not only did I feel uncomfortable financially about doing it, but I felt uncomfortable about taking off the days to go considering all the layoffs at my workplace. I ended up getting laid off a few months later so I was glad to have the extra few hundred dollars I would have spent on the trip.

My ex and I dated for a year. During that time he became friends with my cousin in law. Not the kind of friends that call each other for advice or make frequent plans together, but the kind that every now and then call each other if they're out getting a beer or something. Today he text me and says "I'm going to Gatlinburg in January". It took a few minutes for me to realize exactly what trip he was talking about, but when I realized it, it absolutely tore me in two. I responded, "Well, have a wonderful time on vacation with my family and friends".

The people going on this trip are: My cousin and her husband, My cousin and I have been extremely close the past several years. I was there before she met him, was there during all her tough times, was there when she started dating him, was in their wedding, GAVE their wedding toast for Lords sake. I spent most of my weekends with them as the 3rd wheel at all the cookouts. In doing so I met most of the other people that are going on this trip. They all became my friends too.

So now, I'll sit back and when January gets here, I'll sit here knowing that MY friends, people that he only knows as a result of me are on vacation WITH HIM. And that I was truly never even considered. I text my cousin and said "____ told me he was going on vacation with you all in January". She responded "Yep. We asked him and he jumped at the opportunity". I said "Well that's nice". She then said "We didn't realize you were wanting to go". This enfuriated me because they didn't ask me, I didn't even know they were going this year, it hadn't been mentioned at ALL, and she just called and talked to me today. I responded "It's just a little awkward to me that my ex boyfriend gets asked to go on vacation with my family, my friends and I wasn't even considered.". She responds "You're jumping to conclusions and putting us in an impossible situation. You act as if just because we would still be friends with him, we've totally turned our backs on you and that's BS. We've recently asked you to go to HOliday world, fishing etc. If those are things you want to do then you could suggest something. I really don't know what you would want me to do and I'm very hurt that you'd react like this. You need to remember that other people have feelings and different perspectives in this situation".

Needless to say her response was enough to do me in for the night. I need to remember that other people have feelings? I have been there for her for literally EVERY single thing that has gone on in her life. I am the person she calls for advice on anything. I have been absolutely nothing but a great friend to her and she knows it. Yes, she asked me if I wanted to go to HOliday World a few weekends ago. She called me on a Saturday and they were going on Sunday. My mom was in town helping me landscape for the weekend. I told her that and thanked them for inviting me and said "I wish I could go!!". I've been very sick the past two weeks. I've missed a lot of work, been to the doctor twice, and decided this weekend i'd stay in and do nothing but rest and relax and try to get better. They called me today asking if I wanted to go fishing. I told them I needed to stay in today and rest up for the week as I'm still not feeling well but that I'd be eager to come to their cookout next weekend when I'm feeling better. So yeah, the past two things they've invited me to I've declined, but not without reason and not without explanation.

What is hurtful is that I wasn't even considered. That while the 3 of them were together and they decided to invite my ex, no one thought "hmmm....maybe we should talk to her first..." or "hmmm if I were here this would prob really upset me". No one. Not one of them considered me. Not my cousin, not her husband, and not my ex who always maintains he's my friend.

It's not like they asked him to go fishing. They asked him on their yearly vacation, full well knowing that meant there was no way I could go. They've known him for a little less than a year. This is extremely, EXTREMELY hurtful to me no matter how I try to look at it.

**sourpuss** · 08-01-2010 08:51 PM

I can see why you're bummed. But in her defense (total outsider objectivity here), they may have thought that every time they invite you, you decline, so they didn't bother asking.
(not saying you're like this at all) but my ex NEVER took anyone up on an offer to do anything. Always declined, didn't show or canceled at the last minute. Pretty soon people just quit asking him to do things. Which then of course he was hurt by. But sometimes people take it that you're just making excuses to not hang out with them.

All that being said, they should have asked you first and if you couldn't go, then ask him.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-01-2010 09:53 PM

I can't sleep.

I can see why you're bummed. But in her defense (total outsider objectivity here), they may have thought that every time they invite you, you decline, so they didn't bother asking.

I have always done a lot with them. Before i started dating my ex, I was ALWAYS their 3rd wheel. I was with them practically every weekend. Once they got married, they sort of asked me to do less. And then when I started dating my ex, they'd ask us to do things as couples. They even mentioned this trip to both of us earlier on in the year, and we both expressed interest in going....as a couple. Once we broke up, and she knew what a hard time I had with it, she said basically, don't worry we do lots of things we can invite you to and get you out and about. Since then, they have asked me to a cookout or two, and I have attended. They asked me to a comedy show one night, I gladly accepted. Just so happens that their past two invitations fell at bad times.

I remembered after my post that the reason I didn't go on this particular trip with them last time was because they had mentioned it to me several months in advance and asked if I'd be interested. I said "sure just let me know the details". I never heard anything. When I asked her about it, she responded that they had already filled up all the rooms, but that if I wanted to go sleep on the couch I was welcome. No hard feelings.........but I was going to be the ONLY single person on the trip and having to sleep on the couch? Didn't sound appealing....especially being an afterthought. The year before that is when I declined because of my financial situation. I expressed to her then how much I'd like to go. We were close enough at that time that she knew I was scrapping change out of my change drawer to pay for gas some weeks. I wouldn't have thought they'd have chalked that up to "she just didn't want to go" after I explained my situation.

Her response to me tonight was so hurtful. I'm at home...not bothering a soul. I knew my ex was going fishing with them, I didn't mind a bit. I encouraged him last time he was invited to go. She made it sound as if I'm just some selfish biatch who thinks they shouldn't be friends with him when thats far from truth. I'm friends with him. But I still feel strongly that it was very wrong for them to invite him on VACATION and not even give my feelings in it a second thought. And then to have the nerve to tell me I need to understand that other people have feelings when my feelings were totally and completely, 100% disregarded.

I'm very hurt by this.

**Mes T** · 08-01-2010 10:51 PM

Awww BD.

This is a tough one! However I think it's likely a situation that just seems so very different depending on the perspective. I don't know your cousin's side of it, but I'm willing to bet that there's some reasonable (maybe silly) explanation to it all. I think you might have to talk to her about it again... Seems like she got unnecessarily defensive last time, so I think you might have to take care with phrasing everything that lets her know why you're upset but doesn't accuse her of anything.

I think sourpuss brings up a good possibility, that they just didn't invite you because you've declined in the past. I know you had good reasons and you only declined TWICE for goodness' sake, but for some people that's enough. I remember I declined an invitation to go out with my boyfriend's friends a while back, and my boyfriend got all freaked out, "They're gonna stop inviting you!! This is gonna look really bad, blah blah blah!!" For christ's sake... it was ONE TIME. I'm allowed to stay home ONE TIME. Haha.

Another possibility that crosses my mind is that maybe your ex became quite close buddies with the males in the group... Maybe they were desperate to find another guy to hang out with, you know?

Or maybe your cousin assumed that you're still in a financial rut.

Did you have any sort of falling out with any of them?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-02-2010 12:19 AM

I knew my ex was going fishing with them, I didn't mind a bit.

Sweet, you know when I left my husband, my brother told me, we will still be friends with him, he's done nothing wrong to us, to which I stated, "off course, I expect that".. He knew my niece and nephews from around 5 & 7 years of age...

However, his family cut me off completely as did all his friend "loyalty" the done thing.

Is it?

You say you didn't mind about the fishing, obviously they get along well enough to enjoy each others company and no one has the right to demand who is friends with who in life are they? Are we not our own person? Can't we make our own decisions?

You said no twice, you said no to other things as well.. It's more than likely they didn't expect you to say yes this time.

I understand how your feeling, hurt. But, we can't make people do things in life, that's not fair at all, they obviously like him and as I said, thought you weren't going to go anyway.

[QUOTE]She then said "We didn't realize you were wanting to go". This enfuriated me because they didn't ask me, I didn't even know they were going this year, it hadn't been mentioned at ALL, and she just called and talked to me today. I responded "It's just a little awkward to me that my ex boyfriend gets asked to go on vacation with my family, my friends and I wasn't even considered.". She responds "You're jumping to conclusions and putting us in an impossible situation. You act as if just because we would still be friends with him, we've totally turned our backs on you and that's BS.[/QUOTE]

But they go every year and for 2 of those you've said no.

They have a right to be friends with whom ever.

You know BD, a wise woman told me, never, expect anything in return for good deeds, or friendship.

Your also upset because "you" have done so much for them, they owe you? No sweet, you did and do what you do because it's what you want to do.

They have done something because that is what they wanted to do.

And, it sounds to me that she made it clear " I didn't think you wanted to go", because you've declined before, twice and on other areas and you weren't worried at all about him going fishing with them.

Why would they think they would be hurting your feelings therefore?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-02-2010 07:14 AM

Did you have any sort of falling out with any of them?

Not at all. And as far as them being "friends" with my ex, the only times they ever did anything with him was when we were as a couple. Her husband never calls him to talk, they don't make plans together. Since we've broken up, they've been together once and that was yesterday. So it's not like there's this tight bond here between him and my cousin and her husband. He was someone I dated, they liked him, that was pretty much the extent of it.

I have asked her to do many things that she has declined. Especially after she started dating the guy she's now married to. She never wanted to do anything just me and her. I accepted that things in her life had changed, and I modified our friendship around that. Because things do change.

As for my cousin, her husband and their group... the only time my ex ever talks to anyone else in my "group" of friends is when he's around them. He doesn't even have their phone numbers, not friends on FB, no email addresses.....nothing. So it's not like he's this long lost missing puzzle piece to their group.

And, it sounds to me that she made it clear " I didn't think you wanted to go", because you've declined before, twice and on other areas and you weren't worried at all about him going fishing with them.

Why would they think they would be hurting your feelings therefore?

We have always had the type of friendship that we COULD decline each others offers. She has declined my offers many times. I didn't decline just because "nah I don't want to", but gave her the reasons why. "my moms in town for the weekend". That's pretty explanatory in my opinion. I can just run off and leave my mom who has come to help me landscape for the weekend. And as for this trip, my ex and I were invited as a couple last year. We had been on vacation in October, I bought a house in November, Christmas in December, and WE decided mutually it wasn't the best time for us to take the trip in January. The year before that, they asked me to go, I accepted, then they filled the rooms up with other "couples" (I was a single) without telling me then offered me the couch last minute. So no, I didn't go. But I also didn't get upset about it. Accepted it and moved on. So it's not a fair assessment for her or anyone else to say "oh she didn't want to go in the past".

But they go every year and for 2 of those you've said no.

He was invited last year too.......he didn't go. It was bad timing for him too.

Your also upset because "you" have done so much for them, they owe you?

Not at all. The point is I have been there, in their lives (more specifically hers) for so long, as a friend, as family, as someone she called anytime day or night.....and after they started dating, I was someone HE even called for advice. I have been a REAL friend (and family!) for long before my ex came into the picture. My ex has been really nothing more than someone who came to cookouts with me, or to a sports bar and played some cornhole with the guys. He's not someone they have called for advice, or for help. He's not their family. He's not someone who contacts them to see how they're doing, etc. Do I expect them to return the same sort of friendship that I give to them? No...they're far too wrapped up in their own lives to give much consideration to anyone elses. Newlyweds, I understand that. But I do expect them to care enough about me to consider my feelings. This trip had been brought up earlier this year to my ex and I, and we both were interested in going...as a couple. And it's incredibly, INCREDIBLY unfair to me for my cousin and her husband, two people I considered two of my closest friends, to invite my ex boyfriend on vacation without ever having said a word to me about it.

If nothing else, I expected to hear from her after it happened and it be something silly like "My husband just invited ___ to our trip in January. It sort of just slipped out while we were drinking etc. I wanted you to know..." I guess I expected some form of consideration.

Considering he and I broke up a month and a half ago and he has not really even been a part of their lives, it was just thoughtless. And in that situation, to me, as a loyal friend to those I consider friends, I would NEVER in a million years invite one of my best friends exes on vacation without 1. talking to my friend first or 2. inviting my friend first and giving them the opportunity to go. I just wouldn't do it.

**sourpuss** · 08-02-2010 07:57 AM

Are they the type of people who carefully customize the groups of people they hang out with at the same time? I had friends like that, it drove me nuts, I finally stopped hanging out with them. But it was like they didn't want certain friends of theirs hanging out with other friends. Like the dynamic had to be just so.

Well you're obviously really close, so it's hard to believe that she did it maliciously, or even without thought. I'm thinking that they didn't want to ask you because of the financial part. I have a friend who is really struggling, and sometimes I don't invite her to do things I know that she can't afford, because I know she won't allow me to pay and going along would just put her in a bad spot. But it's not because I don't want her to go.

**sourpuss** · 08-02-2010 07:58 AM

Maybe he invited himself.

**pretzel** · 08-02-2010 08:09 AM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Maybe he invited himself.

That could be a possibility,

If he did then that may have put BD's cousin in a bind. What if he invited himself through her cousins husband and she found out after the fact?

Adding my two cents though, I can see all sides here though.

True BD's family doesn't have to shun him even if they are no longer together. That's on them. But I think there has to be some degree of consideration given especially this short after the breakup. It's not like an evening out or a cookout, this is a vacation with mostly her family and they apparently agreed to have him join it.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-02-2010 08:11 AM

Are they the type of people who carefully customize the groups of people they hang out with at the same time?

Nah...I mean once they become a couple they did start mostly only hanging out with other couples, but in the past 6 months or so they've started including more single folks into the mix. They are usually "the more the merrier" types.

Well you're obviously really close, so it's hard to believe that she did it maliciously, or even without thought

I don't believe it was intentional or malicious....but I do think it was totally without thought in regards to me or my feelings. I find it all too common that many people lack an empathetic nature.

I'm thinking that they didn't want to ask you because of the financial part.

My situation has changed. Back then I was paying over 1k per month on rent and car payment. I got my car paid off, and bought a home so I end up spending less per month than I was before. She knew all that, because at that point we talked all the time. Plus I have a different job, a much less stressful job, one I can actually plan days off from without worrying about being laid off, etc. She knows I'm frugal, but she also knows I was supposed to go to this very place in the mountains for a bachelorette weekend for a friend this month, but won't be going because the wedding got canceled. I do try to save my money, but she knows what a rough time I've been through lately and how I'm at that point in my life she was at a few years ago before she met her husband. I think because of her current happiness........she forgets.

Maybe he invited himself.

I wish. But no. He told me they invited him. Then when I text her and said "____ said he was going to the mountains with you all in Jan" her response was "Yeah, (husbands name) invited him and he jumped at the opportunity". The last time this trip was mentioned to either of us, was months ago when we were a couple and they mentioned going again. We agreed we'd like to go. We break up. A month and a half later they invite him without ever even mentioning it to me or considering my feelings in it at all.

Hurts my heart.