I can't figure out my boyfriend at all. Any suggestions?

**blondie1479** · 08-07-2010 07:08 PM

Ok where to begin? My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 months. My parents played the match maker game. My dad works with him and they have known him for almost 5 years. So they knew what type of person he is. I came out of a long abusive marriage. Which I do have a guard up from all the years of abuse I have been through. Well he was in a 5 year relationship where she was abusive as well. He was really in love with her and she took a lot from him (financally, emotionally, etc). Well he's been broken up from her for 5 years now. He went and saw her a couple years ago to see if there was anything there anymore. When he get back he said he couldn't go through that again. Ok so fast forward to now. I am very much in love with him. He says he loves me, but I am really wondering. He told me a couple weeks ago that his ex had emailed him and was planning on a vacaction to come down here to see him! He told me about the email and said he never responded back to her. I do know that they talk from time to time phone and via email. I seriously don't think he's over her even after all this time. He talks about her and their relationship. Comments on how attractive she was and is to him etc. Yet I have never heard him say anything like that about me. I don't think I'm that bad looking. It's just like it's a slap in the face. He comes home from work which he works late hours, but they all do at his work place. Is only home for an hour or so then off to bed. While he is awake. He's online supposably playing games or is reading a book. We don't ever go out and do things as a couple. Which also makes me insecure about myself! Then a couple weeks ago. We got into it. He was saying how we don't communicate! What in the world? Plus he's jealous because I get hit on at work. I'm a waitress. I'm just extremely confused and I don't know what he is thinking or feeling. Is he over her? I have told him I didn't think he was. He swears he is, but why bring her up? I don't get it. Any advice?

**jns** · 08-07-2010 08:53 PM

Her suggesting coming down on a vacation indicates that she knows she can get him back. His lack of compliments when he can compliment her indicates he isn't over her even if rationally he knows he cannot go back. I don't think he is ready for a committed relationship. I don't believe he is in love with you, but he may love you and feel protective about you. He may change, he may not. Are you willing to wait for him?

Does he make time for you on his days off? Is there a clash of schedules? Can either of you take vacation days to do something together? How about holidays?

**Gregs Baby** · 08-11-2010 12:23 PM

what id like yea im the same way insecure about my self. id think the same way. my thought is that hed still be into her. id wonder why because it was abusive relationship. even if she was his first there is no point of ever bringing her up. id deff think that hed be talking to her while he plays a game. not alot of working men play games that i know of. im not trying to upset anyone but thats my opinion

**Inlove907** · 08-11-2010 02:58 PM

Dear Blondie-
I could definitely be wrong, but from what you have written, I feel like you don't have anything to worry about with your boyfriend and his ex. He seems to be very open and honest about her and if he had anything to hide then he would not tell you everything that he does. On the other hand, he does not seem to be over the ISSUES of the relationship. You said that it was abusive and this may lead him to be jealous with you. It also worries me that you have so much that you don't like about the relationship... If you have so much that you wish would change and its only been 5 months, that's just something you can't do: change other people. If you're not happy it may be best to get out while the relationship is still young. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I absolutely get where you are coming from though, it's not bad that you are feeling insecure. Don't feel like you need someone else to make you happy though, there's always a chance you're meant to be with someone else. If you really want this work out maybe you should be open with your boyfriend and if he really cares he will try to make the changes. It's possible he needs someone professional to talk to about his past issues with the abusive relationship. You deserve to be taken out and shown off though so don't ever let a man make you feel like you're not worthy of that!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-11-2010 05:34 PM

Five months is a short time to be together, and then living together... you can get into routine.

Doesn't sound as if he spends any time with you, quality time..

Some people that exit an abusive relationship go straight into another one, they actually like the control or don't believe that they are worth more, so go back to it, what they are used to... Some feel that that control makes them "loved", where as someone without any control and is happy with themselves, life, purely can't love them.

He should seek councelling to see his own self worth, he's still in a rut, as for loving her, who knows but he's still very much in a rut, if he states she was abusive but then a couple of years ago he went back to "see".. and still emails her.. He has baggage.

Your Dad would have thought he was doing a good thing, after all this guy left his wife 5 years ago, shouldn't have baggage and undestands abuse.. But, obviously, not that they need to understand it themselves and get over it as well as out of it before they can move on in life.

Have you asked him why you don't go out together? Why when he gets home he can't just sit on the couch, hug you, talk about his day, kiss you and fall asleep with you? Why your sex life is probably - sex- not intimacy?

Stand tall. You didn't settle for your abusive husband and you don't have to settle for the next person that enters your life, you have to realise you are important as well and love is a 4 letter word used frequently which really means I don't want to be lonely so I'll settle, I am in love because I have someone, I am in love because after we made love, we bonded because of sex and so I am in love. Or, really is it as I stated? " I don't wont to be lonely but this person really isn't giving me love"....

To tell you she is attractive but to not tell you, you are, is emotional abuse in a sence is it not? Don't you think you deserve a man that adores YOU?

You are attractive we can see your photo.

CW

**andy0615** · 03-15-2011 08:43 PM

Oh wow, just saw this. Hello Randa, thanks for posting about me online instead of talking to me. But as long as you are starting to sling mud..(EDIT) Shall we talk about the $6,000+ I have spent on your lawyer to get the 5 kids back that you relinquished to your ex...oops soon to be ex-husband (paid for that too). Funny thing is, things get a wee it skewed sometimes. Did I mention that I have broke up with 4 online boyfrinds of hers in the last 3 days none of whom knew anything about me? Anywhoo anough mudslinging for today, ake your ow decisions....
(EDIT)

Andy out

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-16-2011 12:00 AM

ummm andy... i don't think she was slinging any mud with malice... like you appear to be doing. I think she was talking about her feelings... it didn't seem like she wasn't trying to make you out to be the bad guy, it seemed to me like she was talking about how hurt she feels when you can compliment your ex but not her...

Personally if my boyfriend was flattering his ex to me, talking about how attractive she was and never told me he found me sexy... I'd be way more likely to look for the kind of attention a woman can get on a cam site. Thing is... if you told her she was beautiful, she'd feel beautiful... she wouldn't need to hear it from strangers online.

I'm not saying its all your fault, I am saying... women need to feel special... beautiful, especially and most importantly to the man they love. Him failing to compliment her... is a blow to the self esteem, him failing to compliment her but having no trouble complimenting someone else ... is a SEVERE blow... and that someone else being an ex? OUCH!!

... but I am saying that I understand why she may have felt the need for reassurance that there ARE men that find her attractive. Obviously she could do that in real life... so if she is/was planning on cheating... thats what she'd probably have done/do... since she's keeping it online it sounds like its just for the reassurance.. the attention.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-16-2011 05:21 AM

Okay, people come here for opinions, they may be totally wrong , not viewing the other persons actions, not seeing their own, and or / not seeing full stop...

Andy you sound like a saint, yet she sounds so in-secure about where she is at, and scared , vunerable. And, so you took this lady in, did you not? what ever you spent is that relevant? She obviously believed in you but is scared, not sure, .....

Read again HD's response

You two need to talk.

Part of your post has been edited, here you can take back words...

Thread closed requested by OP.

CW

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