has he lost interest in getting engaged?

**kizza** · 08-08-2010 07:19 AM

i've been with my boyfriend for neary 2 years and feel ready to get engaged. But the problem is back in 2009 before i moved in in march 2010 he was thinking about proposing but because i lived 30 miles away he thought it wouldnt work due to the distance. so he said that once i move in he will be thinking about it more, now i moved in at the end on march this year and ive mentioned the idea to him a few times and he goes on about not being ready. so now im wondering if he only said it to make me happy, coz now nothing is being said and im getting worried hes lost interest in the idea of being engaged. so why would he say it then and not even bat an eyelid to the idea now?? im so worried and confused about his thoughts on us and our future. i love him more then anything in this world and im ready to be with him for the rest of my life. but i dont know what he wants anymore. HELP!!!

**jns** · 08-08-2010 07:54 AM

He could have changed his mind. It would be very strange if he did without talking with you about it. He could be happy with the situation now, having everything almost the same as being married, but without the commitment. He might not have the money for the ring. He may have gotten cold feet about the whole marriage thing. Or maybe his original plan was to induce you to move in with him by telling you that when you do, the two of you would get engaged. Ask him why he was ready to get engaged 2 years ago, but is not now. Ask him what changed. See if he can come up with a reasonable answer.

**kizza** · 08-08-2010 08:29 AM

i think i will. its like when i had a total breakdown in front of him, he was like we will get married we will do this and this, but i just dont find he's telling me the truth. and i know he has the money coz he gets paid every week nearly £300. but all he cares about is his car. im tempted to give him an ulitmatium, me or the car. he can spend so much on it without batting an eyelid yet when i mention going out for the day he says he cant afford it, its really getting to me.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-08-2010 09:04 AM

i think i will. its like when i had a total breakdown in front of him, he was like we will get married we will do this and this, but i just dont find he's telling me the truth.

Communication is key....and what you need to work on is being able to communicate with him without having a breakdown. He cares about you, probably loves you, and when you're that distraught, he's going to say whatever he can say to get you to calm down.

but all he cares about is his car. im tempted to give him an ulitmatium, me or the car

You know this is not about money....so don't make it about money. You know that you're not in competition with the car, so why give an ultimatum? Honestly, if someone did that to me I'd find it so silly that I'd probably choose the car just because I'd think it was so ridiculous to be giving such an ultimatum.

I think you know the answer, and the answer is that for whatever reason, this man is not ready to get married to you. It's not about money, it's not about logistics, he's just not ready to get married to you. And are you really ready to get married to him or are you just eager to be engaged, plan and have a wedding? You really need to do some soul searching. Do you really want to end up having a wedding and feel like you had to force it to happen?

**kizza** · 08-08-2010 09:11 AM

im not saying its about money, but he says that im his number 1, but the car IS number 1, everytime he has a spare min its on the car, and the only time i get to properly be with him is before we go to sleep, i try to get involved with him and the car but ive lost interest in cars. hes gone through 4 cars in 2 years and yh i understand he wants the car to look nice and stuff but he never really listens to me when i try to tell him something that isn't to do with mechanics. it is getting really frustrated. i sometimes feel like leaving and moving back home with my mom, but i dont want to end it with him. as for the communication thing, he never opens up to me, he said its hard for him to talk about things so it gets me even more frustrated. i dont know what to do. i want him to show me he truely loves me and i know getting engaged isnt always the answer but im ready to get engaged. if he isnt its understandable.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-08-2010 09:58 AM

Why do you feel you are ready to be engaged?

Do you feel you are ready to be married?

**kizza** · 08-08-2010 10:02 AM

to be honest, i really dont know what to do. since moving in things have changed and not for the best, he doesnt hug me like before i moved in, he doesnt kiss me properly, just pecks and i feel like hes drifting away from me. i keep thinking of moving back to my moms but i dont want to end it with him, but if i tell him i still want to be together but living apart i dont think it will work out. im so confused and i dont know what to do. i keep breaking down when i think about it, and i really cant talk to him without getting upset. but i think i will have to have a talk to him later on.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-08-2010 10:27 AM

Why are you focused on getting engaged when you're not even happy with the relationship?

What you've just said basically:

I'm not getting the affection I need from him.
I feel like I'm not priority to him.
I'm not happy living with him.
I want to get engaged to him.

Does that make sense?

**kizza** · 08-08-2010 10:36 AM

i am happy with the relationship its just im not happy that im second best in his life. i am happy living with him, and now we've just found out we're swapping houses with people in the town area which is good news. and i suppose im focused on the engagement coz he said it would happen before i moved in and now im here im still waiting. im hoping the move will make things better. being stuck in the middle of nowhere with nout to do is very boring. so im hoping when we move in a few weeks (fingers crossed) things might ease up, and his attention is turned to me instead of the car.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-08-2010 12:52 PM

im not happy that im second best in his life

I don't blame you. I've been there and can definitely understand that. But I also don't think I would be rushing to be engaged and marry someone if I felt that way.

Has he ever truly showed interest in getting engaged without you bringing it up first? Think back really hard on this one. If you can honestly say no, then perhaps he's just been saying "yeah maybe when you move we'll get engaged" etc, just to appease you. If that's so, it's wrong of him to do that, but I'm just speculating. Because honestly when I read your first post, and you mentioned a 30 mile seperation was his excuse for not wanting to be engaged, I thought that was bogus. He doesn't want to be engaged to you right now.