The fear is back...

**kygirl** · 08-11-2010 08:18 AM

I went through a phase of about 2 months or so where honestly I just never once even thought that maybe the BF and I wouldn't be together. (We've been together for 7 1/2 months for anyone who is new) Even before that I don't know that I truly believed it wouldn't work and even though I still don't think we are doomed, I am scared.

We had a bit of a falling out about a week and a half ago in which he conveyed his fears to me that with me being so positive and he often being a bit of a pesimist that he wasn't sure how that would work long term. We had a long discussion, I had a good cry and since then, things have been great. I have been a lot more focused on trying to listen to his fears when he needs to talk instead of not understanding why he is so worried. I have tried to allow him to feel how he feels. We have also starting eating dinner at the table when he comes over and we've really made time to do things that involve more interaction.

The problem is... all the fears I had when this started and all the fears I've had before of being left or not being good enough have been creeping back and I'm not sure how to get rid of it. Before that conversation, I just was going along, happy, content, and believing that things just were how they were but in a good way. I am glad we talked because I know how very important communication is, but I cannot get over the feeling that crept over me that day that he was afraid too and wanted to leave. I know we all have those reactions when we've been hurt before, but the putting it out there just made it seem so much more real.

It's a vicious cycle. I am fighting my fears that he might leave because I know I can't control that, but then I think "what if he's not winning over his fear" and I can sense my natural reaction to pull away like I've done so many times before. I am desperately trying not to. I realize that I cannot take every reaction and argument as the end, but I believe he truly thought he was not making me happy anymore and even though I know we hashed it out, I still feel afraid that maybe he'll start thinking that again....

Agghhh... I just hate that I even have these feelings. I love him to death, I really do think we could make this work as a long, committed relationship, but I think deep down I am afraid he is still going to leave. It's really starting to haunt me.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading...

**pretzel** · 08-11-2010 08:30 AM

Oh my dear sweet ky,

Why is it that the two of you have become your own worst enemies?

Here's what I see and have read many times,

Both of you feel very strongly for each other, love each other, and want to be with each other. Both of you seem to be able to relate to each other openly and honestly.

You both want this to be a long term relationship.

Neither one of you can do anything about what happened in past realtionships whether it be his divorce or your own relationships. The past is the past is the past. Neither of you can go back in time and relive those. Leave them where they are supposed to be, behind you.

You and he seem like you have a great relationship as long as neither of you stop getting in the way of it.

**kygirl** · 08-11-2010 08:44 AM

I know... And even thinking about it, I know how silly it all is really to let the past have such control over me. I think he has moved on past it, and most of the time I am fine overall. I don't let it affect me but I really hate that it's even there. I thought I was doing okay with it and going to be able to move on past it and to just "be". And I had been for a long time there without anything really creeping in. I know he is afraid because even though he learned a lot from his marriage about himself, he knows that keeping all of that going and not making the same mistakes again is a true battle of will. It'd be easy to just do the same things again. Same thing for me.

Things are really great between us on a deeper level. It might not be all sunshine all the time (thought it is quite often

) But I do think we are good at trying to talk things out. I just wish it didn't get to me so much. I mean, I guess if it didn't bother me at all, perhaps that would signal that I didn't care what happens.

I just don't want to get where I am letting singular moments define our entire relationship, but I think this week it is bothering me more because I won't get to see him for four days (I'm traveling to see a friend of mine). And I think I always fear that instead of missing me, he's going to be like "man, this is awesome". And then again, I know he won't but it's just these thoughts that creep up.

I don't know how to make them go away or if that's even possible?

**pretzel** · 08-11-2010 09:11 AM

And what I said earlier is still true, you're your own worst enemy.

If you didn't learn from your past relationships then you're destined to repeat them. Both of you are not the same people you were when you were in them, you've both grown and matured as people and as partners. I'd venture to say that part of that is your insecurities in believing that there is that special person and you've found him.

Don't let the barriers that you've placed around yourself deny you the happiness you deserve. If you truely, deep down in the special place in your heart where only the souls of the people you love most and dearest reside love him like you've never loved another human being before then what's done is done and what will be will be. Once you've put that wall up that keeps your fears within them, they'll always be there.

In the words of Ronald Reagan, "tear down those walls"

**kygirl** · 08-11-2010 09:28 AM

I would definitely agree that a lot of the fear comes from the fact that this really *could* be something great. I just don't think I've really felt that way about a person in *so* long and the thought of losing him brings up pains and feelings that I haven't felt in a long time. There is really no valid reason for me to think he's going to just leave, but I remember how badly it hurt before when I was blindsided by someone I cared about and I am so much move invested in this relationship.

I know I have to keep working through it. I realize that. I don't want to be the reason it fails, if it fails. I want to know that I've done everything I can and invested as much as I could to making it all come together. It's just very intense. That's the only way I know how to describe it. The way I feel deep down is strong and intense and I hope with everything deep down that I can give my all to this.

I'm still working on the walls, but they've definitely got some noticeable cracks and damage in them.

**pretzel** · 08-11-2010 09:36 AM

As long as you don't patch the cracks when they happen then that's good.

I used to always tell my kids growing up that no matter if you won, lost, got a good grade or a bad grade as long as you could look youself in the mirror and without reservation or doubt that you did your very best in both preparation and execution then you have nothing to be ashamed about or to feel sorry about. Now that they are older (couple of years younger than you are) I think it's time to add to that list relationsips.

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