Insecurities causing boyfriend problems

**Inlove907** · 08-12-2010 09:05 AM

Hi everyone--

So I'm 20 years old and I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. He's a great guy, different from what I'm used to... He is loyal to me, mature, nice, caring, smart, etc. We have a lot of fun together and he's always making me laugh.

The problem is I have some issues myself that lately have been interfering with the relationship. I have issues with jealousy and worrying lately--which is not like me at all. He's a very laid back guy and doesn't understand why I'm always complaining about things. The thing is I'll complain about something he does and then I'll look back and tell myself 'Wow what was I thinking ? He didn't do anything wrong?' I also feel like I'm insecure sometimes and that I get jealous when he goes out with his friends because I'm not invited. I get in these moods where I feel like he does what he does because he doesn't care about me. This is just ridiculous though because he doesn't do anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with him having his own space and free time. Sometimes I just can't control my own emotions and get through to myself. When everything is going fine sometimes I feel empty, so then I'll frantically search for reasons to feel sorry for myself or be mad at my boyfriend (I do this unconsciously).

I don't know I feel like if I don't solve this soon I will lose out on a great relationship. I could spend the rest of my life with this guy, but he doesn't deserve all this negativity. The only thing I feel is that possibly he doesn't do enough to show that he cares. He does invite me out places, call me and text me, hang out with me a lot, tell me he loves me, make me laugh, get intimate with me, he does huge favors for me, comes around with my family, invites me around his family. He doesn't exactly plan nice dates though and he's not the romantic type to tell me things like how much he cares about me and what I mean to him. I know he really does, but he just tells me he's not the type to get romantic and actually say things like that. He thinks that I should know how much he cares about me and that he thinks I'm beautiful because we've been dating for so long, but I just wish he could TELL me. He says that he's not the type to get so romantic and that if it's what I need then I can't try and change him. Am I being too needy since he does so many other things for me??

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-12-2010 10:01 AM

Can you relate your emotional "outbreaks" to anything in particular, like pms or period time? I know it's taboo to blame these types of things on hormones.....but most of us gals have been there and done that. There have been times I've been SO upset about something that God himself could not have made me feel better, and then the next day think, "Oh wow...what was wrong with me?". This happened FREQUENTLY when I was on birth control pills.

Aside from any of that.... we all like to hear our guy say "wow you look really beautiful today". He's been with you for 3 years...he obviously thinks you're beautiful....but I do understand that it's nice to hear it sometimes. However, you shouldn't have to ask for it....if he's not the mushy type to say sweet things like that, then you either have to accept him for the way he is, or decide whether or not that's more important than all the other things it sounds like you have in your relationship.

At the end of the day, you have to be happy....in your heart. Even if your mind says "I SHOULD be happy, look at what all I have with him!", it's what your heart feels that matters. But I will tell you with certainty that insecurity and jealous are two VERY ugly things....and to most people they are very unattractive traits. That will be one sure fire way to ruin your relationship.

It truly sounds like you need to start having more of a life of your own. If you're 20 and have been with him since you were 17, it's a safe bet that you haven't developed much of a life outside of him. Now's the time. You'll find that the insecurity and jealousy lessons or totally goes away if you're out doing things on your own some rather than sitting home every time he's out with the guys.

**bebano** · 08-12-2010 10:04 AM

I have same problems with my birth control pills... I tried different kinds... same thing

so I just gave up and blame it on PMS

**Mes T** · 08-12-2010 10:39 AM

BD is totally right, particularly about the importance of building your own social life, separate from your boyfriend. When our boyfriend or girlfriend is the ONLY thing in our lives, then it's so much easier to feel jealous and insecure... Because you know that if you lose that person, you lose EVERYTHING that you have at that moment, and that's way too scary... (Edit: Nevermind about that, just saw your follow-up reply.)

I find it interesting that you say when you're completely happy, you start looking for things to worry about. Does it feel a little bit unsatisfying to be just content and happy with this person? If so, that might be your subconscious telling you that you need to move on from this guy and build a life that you wouldn't be able to otherwise. I hope this makes sense... it's something that I felt in my first serious relationship, which also lasted 3 years. Your relationship sounds wonderful, but that's just a little something to consider I guess.

**Inlove907** · 08-12-2010 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Can you relate your emotional "outbreaks" to anything in particular, like pms or period time? I know it's taboo to blame these types of things on hormones.....but most of us gals have been there and done that. There have been times I've been SO upset about something that God himself could not have made me feel better, and then the next day think, "Oh wow...what was wrong with me?". This happened FREQUENTLY when I was on birth control pills.

^I used to blame it on PMS, but I think it happens too frequently to just be the hormones. But I think you're right about the birth control... Now that I think about it this problem has started sometime after I started on the pill. I've heard that birth control can have an effect on me, but I guess I never put two and two together. Hey, at least now I have something to blame it on

But I know you're right and that I should just be happy if we're meant for each other, but I don't want to think about it because if I'm not happy then that means I should move on... I don't know. I think I'm happy with him and I just have my own issues that are making me unhappy. My last boyfriend cheated on me and although I was never into him as much as I am my current boyfriend, it still hurts even though this happened 4 years ago.

One thing that I can say though is that I do have my own life apart from him. It's not like I'm sitting at home when he goes out. I have a group of friends that I've been close with since high school and we are always going out together and doing our own thing. I spend a lot of time with my family as well. Also, we go to 2 different colleges (but both live at home still) and we don't let each other be a distraction from school work. I have a lot of my own hobbies and interests too. It's just that I get this feeling like he'd rather be doing other things than do them with me. Which I know is totally selfish and untrue, but I can't help it. He has his own interests and that's fine with me, but when he actually goes out and does things on his own I feel jealous. It's ridiculous.

**Inlove907** · 08-12-2010 11:04 AM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

BD is totally right, particularly about the importance of building your own social life, separate from your boyfriend. When our boyfriend or girlfriend is the ONLY thing in our lives, then it's so much easier to feel jealous and insecure... Because you know that if you lose that person, you lose EVERYTHING that you have at that moment, and that's way too scary... (Edit: Nevermind about that, just saw your follow-up reply.)

I find it interesting that you say when you're completely happy, you start looking for things to worry about. Does it feel a little bit unsatisfying to be just content and happy with this person? If so, that might be your subconscious telling you that you need to move on from this guy and build a life that you wouldn't be able to otherwise. I hope this makes sense... it's something that I felt in my first serious relationship, which also lasted 3 years. Your relationship sounds wonderful, but that's just a little something to consider I guess.

I do have my own social life. Sometimes I get uninterested though and I'll go out with my friends only because I know I should be. This is normally when I start the insecure feelings so I don't really know if this is the effect of not going out, or something else is the cause of both. (If that makes sense)..

And you're second paragraph makes complete sense. This may be true for me, but let me try to re-explain. Whenever I'm happy I will feel content for a while, but then the insecure feelings come and THEN I think I sort of try to search for reasons that I feel insecure. Which is pretty difficult because I have a life with so many things to be grateful for. So then, I subconsciously choose to take it out on my boyfriend. I don't know... I've been told I should see a therapist, but who knows maybe my birth control is just making me go crazy LOL. I've been on them for a little over a year so maybe I should try going off for awhile?

Thanks guys for the help and support. If anyone else has any suggestions or advice let me know

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