I am married, how do I get over my old ex

**jamie27** · 08-16-2010 05:38 PM

I've been married for 3 years now and I have a beautiful baby who is 3 months old. I know it's not an appropriate time to think about an old ex but I never forgot about him. I first met him when I was 12 years old and throughout the years we drifted apart but everytime we started to talk to eachother again we liked eachother. We started to officially date when I was 18 and broke up when I was 19. We were out of our minds in love and I think about him everyday. I don't know how to stop. I don't talk to him anymore..only once in a while.. we're back to that relationship again where we drift apart and when we talk to eachother it's every other day for a week and then all of a sudden it goes away. I know he has a girlfriend now and I'm sure he's very happy with her which kills me.. I know I know, I'm MARRIED..I want him to be happy but I wish we could go back in time and do everything we ever wanted to do together. Make more memories..GOOD memories.
Will I ever get over him..?

**jns** · 08-16-2010 05:54 PM

What is wrong with your marriage? I ask because if you were totally in love with your husband, you would have few thoughts of your ex and they would not compare to what you have with your husband.

If you want to go down that road, why did you drift apart with your ex? Did one or both of you not put effort in the relationship?

**jamie27** · 08-16-2010 07:49 PM

You make a good point. My relationship with my husband is bland.. he doesn't like to do anything, we've never even been to the movies together and I LOVE going to the movies. He's very frugal so he doesn't want to spend money and when we do it's SO stressful because it has to be a good deal or something we absolutely need. We're not millionaires but we're doing ok in the financial aspect.. not up to his expectations I guess.

With my ex, I definitely put effort into the relationship. Maybe a little too much and spoiled him..he was very young minded but he joined the marines after we broke up and he has a different mind set. More mature and secure. I really don't ever use blogs or speak to anybody about my problems but I'm so desperate and I'm so glad someone replied without criticizing. Thank you so much for that.

**jamie27** · 08-16-2010 07:56 PM

He's also grumpy 80% of the time. He's known for that..his whole family makes fun of him from time to time because he is so moody..I don't know what makes him so miserable..maybe it runs in the family because his father is the same way.

**sourpuss** · 08-16-2010 10:09 PM

If your ex wasn't in the picture, do you think you'd be happy with your husband? There's obviously something lacking in the relationship for you to be thinking about someone else. What made you marry this man? I think your concern, at this point, should be your ex, but making your current relationship work. I only say this because you're married and you have a kid. But you need to get back to that place where you were so in love that you wanted to marry this man.

**jamie27** · 08-16-2010 10:29 PM

Yes, thinks would still be strained without my ex in the picture..he's actually not really even in the picture..we don't even talk. I think if I were single, I would feel the same way. So I guess I have TWO problems. Unhappy marriage and can't get over my ex..

My husband has changed since we've gotten married..so I can't get back to that place where I wanted to marry him..

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-16-2010 10:48 PM

You know Jamie one of the reasons we totally re-visit our past is when our present is not happy...

Your husband has changed since you got married.

But your ex changed as well and because of that, he became your ex..

What I think you are feeling, is that, you were 12 - 19 that's a long time, first love and great memories, kind of like blocking out the bad memories those times when things "changed" weren't so good, the reason things didn't work out.

When we are un-happy in our lives, we focus on what had made us happy...

Certainly, you probably married because it was never going to go back on track with the ex and you had to move on.

Certainly, you may have married the wrong person, just the thought of being married and he seems to be okay, it will work, this and that part of our lives is good, makes people marry, what we call "settling" and perhaps that is what you did, settled for someone else.

First loves are never forgotten..

But, the "true" love of your life, is the one that you can't live without and will remember more than even your first love because it's real, soulful and all that you could wish for.

I think you need to see that and if your not happy, then don't waste further time with your life, realise that "he" is out there and "he" is better than the love you had for your ex..

Our minds are powerful.. when sad, we will try to put happy thoughts and in that we don't look to the future do we, we always look to the past and think that the past is what we needed... More than often not the case... It's the future that we need so therefore the right mindset.

CW

**sourpuss** · 08-16-2010 10:50 PM

Have you talked to him about it? You have to. Couples have to grow and change together if they want it to work.

**LanaBear** · 08-16-2010 11:03 PM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Couples have to grow and change together if they want it to work.

This is so true! Nobody is the same person they were 5, 10, 15 years ago. Things change. But, like sp says, if you want it to work, you have to grow and change together. Communicate, work on things, go to counseling if need be, find out what it would take in order for the both of you to be happy. For all you know, he may feel the same way.

It will do you no good, in this relationship or any future relationship, if you continuously go back to how you felt with your first love. It's unfair to you and unfair to your SO. If you compare what is now, to what was then, nothing will measure up and you will be in a constant state of dissatisfaction with any relationship you may have.

**jamie27** · 08-16-2010 11:07 PM

Thank you CW for that beautiful response. Everyone on this blog is so sweet and understanding thank you very much! And yes I've talked to my husband about this several times. He says he'll be less moody and smile more but it doesn't seem like we're progressing.. I feel like it's ME. I'm the problem. But his family says he's always been this way.

That's another thing, my ex always makes me laugh. I don't even know what it is we talk about..again, we talk to eachother like twice a year..but those few conversations I have with him. it keeps me going for a few months..I'm just so happy..but sad at the same time because I know we can never be together. I also dream about him ALL the time..and sometimes when I have a particular dream about him, it's happening to him in real life..there's a connection there..I guess you would call it telepathy. I just wish I could go back and fix all the mistakes..that's what I regret..I made so many mistakes