What is wrong with me? I cry when he doesn't pick up the phone.

**chelle21689** · 08-23-2010 12:51 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years but 2 years long distance. From as far as I can remember before distance, he always sucked at keeping a phone. It'd always break, die, he'd lose it, I'd give him mine and he'd lose it, etc. But since we became long distance he's been very good at keeping his phone on him. Sometimes he'll slip up and forget but it's rare. We talk several times a day every day (usually).

Sometimes when I don't call him and he doesn't answer or call back for a few hours...I'll start to cry. Even if it's been 3 minutes I'll cry really hard and think of every single small bad thing in my life and amplify it.

We usually call to say good night to eachother. If I don't hear from him then I'll cry and I can't sleep. But even if this happens he'll always call back the next morning no matter how early (2am my time zone). We have a three hour time difference by the way. I'm three hours ahead.

I don't know why I cry and get super emotional like I'm about to lose someone because he ALWAYS returns my calls whether it takes a few hours or the next morning when I try to reach him at night. I have an issue and I don't know how to make myself feel better.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-23-2010 01:43 PM

If you don't want this relationship to end, you are going to have to get a handle on trusting him, and being confident that he wants this relationship as much as you do. I've been on the other end of long distance relationships where the more insecure party is ringing, constantly... freaking out when the phone isn't answered and it can make the partner that is more relaxed in the situation BECOME anxious, feel imprisoned by their phone... feel guilty all the time even when doing nothing wrong. Its bad when you are having a panic attack about taking a shower worrying that if your significant other calls why you are in there... there is going to be heck to pay explaining how you could possibly miss a call.

It just isn't fair and its no way to live. Some extra re-assurance is definitely required on long distance. But it has to be within reason or all you are going to do is create a self-fullfilling prophecy where you end up losing something just out of sheer fear of losing it.

Surrender your control, you don't have it anyway... find comfort in the fact that he is with you by CHOICE. Not because you are forcing him to be, not because he can't find excuses to get out of your calls... but because he loves you and wants to be with you.

Would you still want him if he didn't love you? If he had no interest in being with you? Probably not... so why waste all the good loving time you could be having in your conversations worrying about that happening when its not happening.

I understand you don't want to lose him... but no matter if you chain him to a phone or let him run free ... you won't lose him if he's where he wants to be... and if he's not where he wants to be... you will lose him no matter what freaking out you do.

Don't let that knowledge scare you, let it empower you. To feel like you have someone out there that loves you enough to still be with you no matter what distance you are on. He might miss a call, he might not return it for a few hours. It doesn't mean he is doing bad... if he's doing bad it will come to light eventually. But if you constantly try to choke his freedom he may end up leaving a girl he loves because he can't breathe.

**chelle21689** · 08-23-2010 01:58 PM

It's not about me not trusting him. It's about wondering why the hasn't he called when it's just a simple thing to do. Like why isn't he thinking about me if he knows it upsets me.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-23-2010 02:24 PM

Its about trusting that he IS thinking of you... its about trying to keep your mind peaceful and not think of the worst possible reasons when he doesn't pick up the phone and instead think of rational ones... in the shower, ran to the store and left it behind, dozed off watching tv... etc... that involves trust... trust that he's not just sitting there watching the phone ring and saying hmmm i don't want to talk to her. You have to believe he's not doing that and have to believe he's not trying to upset you. But if you get upset everytime he misses a call or doesn't return it within a few minutes... its not about him doing something he knows upsets you... its about him simply being unable to avoid upsetting you based on your expectation of him and that phone.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-23-2010 02:25 PM

I'll try to find a link of a woman going through this in reverse... she posted about her experience with a man she loves dearly with all her heart that is away long distance that she can't not have her phone attached to her hip without him freaking out and how its driving her over the edge... i think it might give you some insight as to what its like to be on the other end of that situation.

**sourpuss** · 08-23-2010 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by chelle21689

We talk several times a day every day (usually).

Originally Posted by chelle21689

It's not about me not trusting him. It's about wondering why the hasn't he called when it's just a simple thing to do. Like why isn't he thinking about me if he knows it upsets me.

Maybe he just needs a break from the phone, or is busy. Not everyone can talk on the phone several times a day every day. Besides, how do two people have to talk about in one day? If someone called me that much, I'd go a little batty honestly.

If you're talking to him that much and you're getting that upset, that's not normal. HD is right, you need to get a handle on it, it will eventually ruin your relationship.

**Mes T** · 08-23-2010 06:01 PM

Chelle you're right in that you have an issue, and I hope you deal with it without bringing your guy into it... because as far as we can tell, he hasn't done anything wrong. Lots of us can't even imagine talking on the phone that often. I talk on the phone to my guy once a day and even that is too much sometimes. I love him with all my heart but... some days I just... don't have any news to tell him!

Nothing to talk about! So I would almost rather not even call on that day, but meh I do anyway because it's our "thing."

I think you might have some kind of serious dependency issue, which is common for a lot of people in relationships, unfortunately. Do you have hobbies? Friends? Things that you can immerse yourself in during the day? It could be as simple as finding something to DO, that will build up your confidence enough to know that one missed call (out of what, 5 that day?) is NOTHING TO CRY ABOUT.

**BabyGirl** · 08-23-2010 06:18 PM

Oh the feeling of hearing the voice of the one you love or seeing a text several times a day. You get used to it and then, yes you can panic or worry about if they are ok when you don't hear from them regulary..

You say you trust him, you say he's not very good with phones. He may be one of those that forgets to charge it nightly, he may get busy, he may be in a place or situation that he cannot accept or make calls.

One thing you can do is rearrange your phone schedule with him. I am sure you and he know each others routine pretty well. Try setting a time or times each day that you know there should be no problem for a few minutes chatting. Like early morning before breakfast or work or at night after dinner , just before bed so you can say your goodnights and love you's and sweet dreams.

You might bring this up with him next time you chat on the phone. Something like " Honey, I know I'm a worrier and I know there are times you just cannot call or talk. Lets agree to try and talk twice a day, ( set times) and if per chance you or I can get in a quick call , in between our set times, that would be awesome."

This lets him know you trust him and love and worry about hs wellbeing, but are mature enough in your relationship to accept him for him and accept that he has a life outside of just you & him.

This is a gift of security that you can give him to prove to him that you are not some emotional, clingy, psychotic lady that cannot have a life of her own, cannot have friends,cannot do basic self care of herself, without hearing his voice.

Yes you love him, but he is not or should not be your "everything" and the only reason you are alive. Between the agreed times to chat. Do something positive that can help you grow and learn and be an asset to yourself and possibly him, should you every plan to marry .

**jns** · 08-23-2010 07:17 PM

That he has made a good effort to keep the relationship alive by calling several times a day shows that he has not forgotten about you. Sometimes things come up and the timing isn't right. Would you rather he pull over if he is running late for an appointment to call you? How about if he is a bad mood due to an interaction with someone else? How about in the middle of a business transaction. A long distance relationship has its hardships.

You cry because you don't get the shot of brain chemicals that makes you giddily happy when he calls.

**jns** · 08-23-2010 07:28 PM

Whoops, I posted before I was done.
Continuing...
If he knows that you cry, he should love your tears, because they tell him that you are very much in love with him. They reassure him that you have no second thoughts about that. Do you also cry when you are with him and think about the two of you being apart? Do you let him kiss or wipe the tears from your eyes as he hugs you?

Good luck.