My Boyfriend has no backbone!!!

**jatti4reel** · 08-24-2010 05:04 PM

Ok so I need some advice. I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. When I knew him as a friend I was really attracted to him and loved his chat and banter. We then decided to hook up because we got on so well. But the problem is ever since we hooked up I'm starting to see cowardly traits from him and I'm confused what to do.

First of all we were in a club and this guy tried to dance with me. My bf was coming back from gettin drinks and pretended he didn't see and let me defend my own corner and tell this other chap to back off. This was the beginning of me noticing.

Then another time we were out and someone stroked my hair and he just gave the guy an angry look and walked on.

Ok so today we were walking past some chaps who were just chatting away to themselves and my bf looked so terrified for no particular reason that he even blanked me out and I had to say his name 3 times before he snapped out of it.

And one more thing every time we walk he looks to the floor to the point he actually has a curved back, kinda hunched.

I dont know what I should do as apart from this part of him I reaaaaallllly get on with him chat wise but does this mean he'll never defend me? This is kinda unattractive but I dont know if it's enough to end such a nice relationship.

**WildChild** · 08-24-2010 06:48 PM

What is it you are expecting him to do?

**Day Tripper** · 08-24-2010 07:37 PM

In this day of women's liberation, chivalry may be dead to many men, but, it doesn't mean that a man shouldn't defend a ladies reputation. Tell him how you feel and see how he responds. Maybe he just doesn't want to appear jealous. Tell him to keep his head up because there are still many dragons out there left to slay. Keep it light!

Day Tripper

**rcoreyus** · 08-24-2010 11:08 PM

It is a tricky situation for a man when someone hits on your girlfriend / wife. If you jump in all cave-man like and chase the other person away, there are a couple of possible bad consequences:

1. It seems to suggest that your SO can't take care of herself - this is insulting to some people
2. It gives the impression that you view your SO as you property: "hands off - MINE!!!".
3. It can seem controlling - many people would like to see their SO make their own decision.
4. It can result in grievous bodily harm <g>

Of course if you SO isn't able to deal with the situation, or if there is a physical threat involved, that is a whole different matter.

**Mes T** · 08-25-2010 01:19 AM

Nowhere in your post did I get the impression that you actually talked to him about it, so... Talk to him! Save yourself all the wondering, all the questioning in your mind... and ask him what's up!

I don't see how hunching over is related to not saying something to another guy when he hits on you?

Rcoreyus is right, it's quite possible that he's restraining himself so he won't come across as jealous or insecure... Or that he trusts you enough to handle it yourself.

**WildChild** · 08-25-2010 08:07 AM

I do understand that you might wonder. There are subtle and not so subtle ways that men warn other men away from a woman they are interested in. Usually unless the guy is totally oblivious a man will not hit on a woman who is with another man, so those signals may be missing.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-25-2010 10:10 AM

Not all men are rambo. Not all men are fighting machines... I think its a woman's responsability to carry herself in a manner that reduces the risk of random strangers stroking their hair, etc... and putting her man in a position where he needs to 'fight' for her respect, and the respect of some loser that would stroke some strange girls hair in front of her boyfriend.

No, its not your fault if some random comes up and pets you. And I understand that you want to feel protected. But there *are* things you can personally do to reduce the chance of these incidents from occuring. Some you can't. There are some crazy guys that will aproach you in front of your man.. especially drunk guys... and if you brush them off and ignore... its much more effective than expecting your man to take a bat to his head.

One, not flriting or making lingering eyes at men, while out with your guy helps. If you notice a guy giving you attention -- turning your attention away from him and into your man often does the trick.

One time I was out with my guy and I was a few few away from him at the time some drunk guy put both of his hands on my shoulders and and said ' you are so effing hot'... it took me by surprise... I wiggled out of his arms and went and hugged on my boyfriend. I didn't feel the need for him to go defend my honor to some spaz. He didn't see what happened and I made it obvious to that guy that I wasnt impressed with his outburst.

When guys look at me and i can feel their eyes on me... it just makes me focus my attention more obviously on my man. I have no need nor desire to see him get himself either hurt or in trouble over some stupid guy not understanding bounderies.

I don't know what you want from your man... if you want to date a bully, jerk guy.. that will attempt to beat up everyone that looks at you... have at it. Been there done that and you begin to feel more like a shiny toy that he owns and is protecting than the woman he loves. Guys that like that usually are more about getting upset at THEM being disrespected than you... its all an ego thing... and you get what you pay for when you decide you want that kind of guy.

But if this is an ongoing problem for you and your guy... you might want to stop and evaluate what signals you may be subconciounsly sending out to the men around you. No matter HOW hot the girl is, or how drunk the onlooker is... going up and petting a stranger in front of her boyfriend is not all that common a practice.

And you also might want to evaluate if you have unrealistic expectations of men and how fearless they should be to defend you. I want to feel protected to, but from real danger... someone coming in the night when we're asleep and I KNOW my man would protect me in that scenerio. But some drunk at a bar making goo-goo eyes at me.. I would be mad at my guy if he made a big deal and had to fight every man that did that. Its silly.

**darknlovely** · 08-31-2010 05:53 PM

he is not your superman. Plus him getting involved could possibly escalate things even more...I agree that he may be having some self esteem issues due to the fact that you said he walks with his head down..what about his personality doe she speak up for himselfÉ does he have his own opinions and stick to themÉ or doe he just agree with everything you say

**SaharaJim** · 08-31-2010 07:49 PM

Talk with him and establish some ground rules. My wife and I reached a quick understanding when I was going to injure her cousin because he came up and "grabbed" her and she shrieked. Iam much bigger and stronger than he is...he was on his way to the hospital until the Mrs. "explained". Now the deal is she "handles" things until she says my name- then I deal with it. Your boyfriend may not be sure what YOU want him to do. Maybe you are "ok" with what is happening, maybe these are friends or maybe you want to "ditch" him. He isn't sure and doesn't know how you want it "handled". You will save both of yourselves a lot of grief if you set a "signal" of when you want or need his help.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-31-2010 10:37 PM

Great points Jim. He may be waiting for YOU to set the bounderies, maybe he thinks you like the attention and doesn't want to come off as insecure, jealous or controlling. A guy that loves his chick, will stick his neck out for her... rest assured, if she is in any real danger. But if some guy is flirting with you and you are not making it clear you don't want that happening... he might not be sure you even want him to intervene.

And de-escalating a drunk beligerent hands on guy by simply ignoring him is the safest default. Most guys will give up when shot down, especially if they see you are obviously into the man you are with. Guys, even jerks, fear rejection so if one is being a little bit too friendly ignore him turn your focus on your guy and they will fall off long before they feel up to trying to pet hair etc.