How can I overcome my jealousy?

**LizzyBrighton1985** · 08-25-2010 08:50 AM

I have been in a relationship for two months now with a really lovely guy, he is attentive and kind and recently told me he felt he was falling in love with me. I have no reason to suspect him of cheating and he is pretty laid back, leaves his phone on the side and doesnt try to hide anything from me.

The problem is I have never been in a healthy relationship before and I have ingrained trust issues I can't seem to shift. I am afraid they will affect the relationship and that I will sabotage what I have. I think because of this he now feels a little stifled.

He has a best friend who is a female and I keep finding myself getting really jealous of her even though she is in a relationship with a mutual friend of theirs. I think he now feels he cant be 100 per cent open with me about meeting up with her as he is worried how I will react. I don't want this to be the case and I also don't want him to feel controlled.

If he says he loves me why am I so insecure??? and how can I stop reacting this way?

**pretzel** · 08-25-2010 09:23 AM

My two cents,

As you mentioned, you've had prior trust issues so I'd say time would be more your friend than enemy. Remember the two of you have only been together two months. That really isn't a very long time.

As things progress you may very well find that his relationship with the woman who is a best friend is non-threatening as well as his trust that he is indeed committed to you.

Time is your friend, not your enemy.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-25-2010 10:24 AM

I've never really bought into why a mature man that is in a relationship needs to have a "Best female friend"... female friend, yes , fine, but "BestFriend" seems so juvenile. His Girlfriend, You, should be his "Best Friend". Any other female should be a 'friend' and one thats needs do not come ahead or even close to being equal to yours. If you needed him, and his "Best friend" needed him in the same moment... who should go to first? You have got to be his priority , or you will just be resentful of any relationships he has outside of your own and I think it starts with the fact that he has to title some chick with "best friend".

You can't be jealous over him having friendships with females, as long as he knows and makes clear what place they fall in his life and that place is well below you. If he is not doing that -- its understandable for you to be a bit insecure in the situation.

How often does he interact with his "best friend" is it just casual hang out now and then, when you are also invited? Or does he text her all day long, listen to all her problems and constantly have to run out to be there for her?

A little insight into how he handles his relationship with her would help responders to know if you are being rational or irrational in your fears there.

**pretzel** · 08-25-2010 11:02 AM

This may be one of the few times where I have to disagree HD. I read the OP a little differently. It seems that he has put her ahead of his friend as far as the relationship goes. I think the best friend title may be more generational semantics than reality. That was my impression from her first paragraph.

I still believe the overall question still has to do with time and past. I still believe that as the relationship grows that her trust and insecurity issues over his commitment to her will resolve themselves.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-25-2010 11:47 AM

I just have had great exposure to the ugly side of female competitiveness... and a straight guy with a female 'bestie' that is in a relationship... is going to see that female competitiveness front and center. Girls like to be number 1. Even non-girlfriend best friends. Which is why i asked the nature of their 'best-friendship' as in how often how much she is consuming his time... because then it would be more clear to me if she is right for feeling a little off-put by his female best friend... or just overreacting the nature of their friendship.

**pretzel** · 08-25-2010 11:53 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I just have had great exposure to the ugly side of female competitiveness... and a straight guy with a female 'bestie' that is in a relationship... is going to see that female competitiveness front and center. Girls like to be number 1. Even non-girlfriend best friends. Which is why i asked the nature of their 'best-friendship' as in how often how much she is consuming his time... because then it would be more clear to me if she is right for feeling a little off-put by his female best friend... or just overreacting the nature of their friendship.

Fair enough, point taken.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-25-2010 12:04 PM

You would think because of sports that its generally males that are more competitive... but with females it can be a very very ugly thing. Its so sad to see how many women are not genuinly happy for another happy woman. Its like they are much worse than men in that respect. If a guy has a friend who is happy with his girl... most are actually happy for their friend. Women can be very jealous and catty. I hate to say that about my own gender... but any woman in here that hasn't seen up close and personal just how vicious women can be ... lives in a cave. lol.

I think heterosexual people can be friends with a person of the opposite sex while in a relationship, as long as their are bounderies and no real sexual chemistry. I've seen girls that quite literally get off at being able to snap their fingers and have someone else's "man" at their beck and call. Its a power trip. Not ALL women are this way but I've been aqquainted with a good lot of them.

I think if guys were able to understand that one little thing about women... they could save themselves from so many silent treatments and little fights and have a happy relationship. Never give another woman more attention than your girlfriend/wife... and you will find yourself in a happy relationship 9 times out of 10.

If a guy takes his woman out and ignores other women for his love, if he will ignore a call from his "bestie chick" when in the middle of a conversation with his girlfriend... he'll find she is less likely to be upset about them being friends.

Its usually when they divide their attention too evenly or even leaning to the side of their female 'friends' that drama is sure to follow.

**LizzyBrighton1985** · 08-25-2010 03:30 PM

Hmmm. Interesting points.

I think I am still quite confused!

But thanks for the advice. I think that its a difficult one as he has only known me for two months whereas he has been friends with her for a lot longer and I would feel unfair to dictate to their friendship. I agree women are more competitive and it is probably my comptetitiveness with her that is driving my insecurity.
But I think it is better that I focus on not buying into my jealousy as I think this will be better for the relationship in the long run

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-25-2010 05:11 PM

Lizzy,

I think Pretzel's comment of time is the key...

As, you point out, he's only known you 8 weeks, is "falling" in love with you

And, before he met you, one of his friends was/is a female who is also in a relationship.

I would say that her boyfriend is also aware of her friendship with your boyfriend..

I think jealousy is one of the strongest words in the dictionary that deserves really, to be taken out, totally. Look at the word and what it stands for, what good can come of it? How is it a positive word? It's not..

I also think, we go through many motions in our lives. We unfortunately, make wrong judgement calls in all that we do, including relationships..

And, if they were wrong judgement calls, we off course, get hurt... that's a natural progression..

What we can't do is take the past into our present...

Each relationship is different, we are meant to learn from our past are we not? So, if you feel that this guy respects you, is there for you, is falling in love with you, you found a good guy, one you can have a great relationship with. Leave the past in the past is my suggestion..

As for cheating? A person with morals will not do it.. They'd walk first...

AND, to remember for future, if they do cheat? Then they weren't worthy of YOU.. You will always get hurt when a relationship ends, right? No matter what the reason for the closure of that relationship.. So, just remember, if a man every cheats on you, walk with your head high in the knowing he wasn't good enough for you and choose wisely on the next round, look for someone with morals..

For now, leave your past behind, concentrate on the present and remember jealousy is an ugly word that is negative and will do nothing for you

CW

**Mes T** · 08-25-2010 06:01 PM

Not all men can have gal pal besties, but some can.

You need to meet this person, hang out the three of you, maybe the four of you with her boyfriend along, an don't expect anything bad unless you have reason to.

I get jealous sometimes to, and it helps me to "list the facts," sometimes literally on a piece of paper, sometimes in my mind. So what are the facts in your relationship thus far? He's laid back, doesn't seem to be hiding anything, and is crazy about you.

What part of that requires any jealousy?