Online friendships

**Seniora** · 08-25-2010 07:06 PM

Hi, I'm new. I know this topic has been addressed before but here goes.... I met a (presumably?) man on an internet forum associated with a specialist performing art (no names). It is a site which would require a fair bit of specialist knowledge, so not an "open" forum in that sense. Lots of interesting, stimulating, intelligent conversation occurs on this site, together with some trivia and other things occasionally. I'm a retired professional and have been contributing to and responding to this (said) site for about 6 months and my attention was drawn to another (very) smart contributor. He actually sought me out first. To cut a long story short, we were in regular contact via Skype and private email within 4 months of my joining the forum. We agreed to meet in Europe when I'll be there early next year (together with my husband, whom I referred to often and affectionately). I became very fond of my "internet companion" as I referred to him - not least because of his incredible writing skill, wit and knowledge. But I noticed he started to put barbs and jabs into conversations, such as "Why does your husband put up with you, frankly?" (hardly the sort of thing to say to somebody with whom you are engaged in a friendship!). His behaviour became odd and, though, he initially praised me and complimented me on my intelligence, I could see he was deeply insecure. One day I got a sharp, angry email out of the blue and cut off our friendship. I later sent another suggesting he had emotional issues and outlined these. He did respond to the email, saying "you have made the right decision" about my aborting the friendship. I later regretted this and thought I would be better off continuing with the knowledge that I had but trying to work around it - such was the pleasure I got from his input into my area of interest and expertise. He has now said "we'll cool it, so we can both regain our tempers", but I've not heard from him again and I'll bet he's in contact with others on Skype (I know he is because I've seen his name on an associated forum, together with expletives and stupidity). He's a regular Jeckyll and Hyde, though we did confide private information about each other and I got to know him. As is the case in any lost friendship (and my interest didn't go beyond this) I'm feeling upset and bewildered - at my age (retired)!! What's with these types of people? Do they have such problematic relationships with "real" people off the net that they live online? He seemed to become insecure whenever I said I was going out with flesh and blood friends - as if I didn't have these!!! He's cut me off because I got to know him too well and saw the problems. Trouble is, the good parts were worth the effort. Sorry this is so long!!!

**dr.mansview** · 08-25-2010 09:52 PM

What's with these types of people? Do they have such problematic relationships with "real" people off the net that they live online? He seemed to become insecure whenever I said I was going out with flesh and blood friends - as if I didn't have these!!!

you may have found the problem in your own post

**Seniora** · 08-26-2010 12:05 AM

Dr. Mansview - thank you for your pertinent and intelligent observation!! As is often the case, one can find an "answer" when putting 'pen to paper', so to speak. I'm normally reasonably intelligent myself but when it comes to musicians and classical music (as in this case) I lose my objectivity. Oh well, back to the drawing board I guess...

**stressed** · 08-26-2010 01:52 PM

"Do they have such problematic relationships with "real" people off the net that they live online? He seemed to become insecure whenever I said I was going out with flesh and blood friends - as if I didn't have these!!! He's cut me off because I got to know him too well and saw the problems."

...Yes. Many people turn to online "relationships/friendships" because they find "real" people hard to handle. They can show the aspects of their personality they want to show, not everything. So, when someone figures them out they don't like it. Such people almost always get annoyed when you mention real friends, or activities. They get jealous and know that these are things they cannot have themselves, either out of fear, insecurities, depression. They are always online, making many "friends" over the internet and that fulfills their social need. They feel social and popular, something they are not in "real life". He knows that as soon as you learn everything about him you will become "one of those who cannot tolerate him".

You don't need such close friendships or connections, they are only based on what the other wants to show you and what you want to see in the other. The vague sides of the other person you fill with your imagination and therefore there's a great risk that this person becomes "perfect" in your eyes, even if you won't do it intentionally.

The good parts you are talking about were exactly that. The parts he allowed you to see or the parts you thought you saw in him.

Don't trouble yourself over it.

**Seniora** · 08-26-2010 04:22 PM

Thanks Stressed. You show much insight. I won't "trouble myself" about it, but I am "troubled" about why I got involved in the first place and what this says about me - at my age!! My attitude has always been that we can learn a lot about ourselves in our relationships with others, and I'm not liking what I'm learning about myself from this!! I think I've learned that I value musicians and intellectuals too highly and this causes me to lose objectivity. When I was a highschool teacher I always gravitated towards the smartest teachers and, now that I'm retired, it isn't so easy to find that intellectual "hit" I was so accustomed to when a professional. So, I'm currently learning German through distance education - trying to keep the old brain moving. That, and playing piano again, partly satisfies this need - but the interest in the super intelligent is always there it seems, so easy to become impressed with one online. Since I posted my question I've emailed my sister in another State who is a Clinical Psychologist and told her the "symptoms" I thought this man had - she broadly concluded ("I can't do much without seeing the paitent") he was probably Borderline Personality with possibly Narcissist and Obsessive Compulsive "co-morbidities". Her advice, "be careful...the charm and wit come in equal proportions with the cruelty and lack of empathy". For inexplicable reasons this saddens me deeply as I generally feel great compassion for any kind of mental illness.

Just thought I'd throw this into the mix. Thanks everyone.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-26-2010 04:45 PM

Seniora,

Age is but a number.. We all enjoy stimulting conversations, intelligence and new friendships.

You may be happy with your life, but still something is missing.. It may be for instance that your retired and therefore, your searching for connections with people, conversations, intelligence, after all you've spent 6 months on that Forum, for something

Yes, when we connect with someone be it in real life or the internet world, we enjoy immensely the conversations, often we do disclose personal information and more so over the internet, after all it's "real, but not". We truly, really don't know the people, however we certainly can still use our intuition and gage "type"...

Alot of people are lost souls, have nothing in life, and the internet becomes their best friend, and the people to them are real and their fantasies are played out, they have more courage to speak than in real life, and they often fall also for a person, as they allow their mind to live in a world of fantasy..

Your sister is right to warn you, her advice is grand.

But there is nothing wrong with searching for what you are missing in your life, via an internet.. You do however, have to be very careful and as you noted, you exchanged to meet (with your husband) at some point, to a person who changed and showed your inner self, red flags, warning and there you do have to be careful to keep it / that friendship, to the internet until a couple of years at least has gone past, or until you can clearly "feel" what type of person they are..

Internet can be dangerous in that regard and there are alot of people with issues, that you will meet...

You can't save the World and it can be very draining trying to.

Be safe

**Seniora** · 08-29-2010 04:26 PM

You are correct - something IS missing from my life. I feel ashamed because I have a wonderful, loving and kind husband with whom I have a better relationship since we both retired. Most women I know envy me greatly because of my husband, and have said so. He is taking me to Europe so I can indulge my passion for classical music!! He is not at all interested in this himself. But the artistic and creative side of me is suppressed and I long to meet these types of people. At lunch recently with 2 girlfriends my mind was elsewhere - they bored me - and I kept thinking of my stimulating conversations with my now (erstwhile) internet companion. This has become a pattern: whenever I'm bored my mind strays to a better place and a fantasy world. This happened to me many years ago when I began an affair with a much older, creative man - a distance relationship - which didn't last. The thrill I got just talking to him I can't describe!! So, I was (then) stuck in a country town and my mind was always elsewhere. It reminded me of a great poem by Ted Hughes about a Jaguar, locked in a case in a zoo, but which would never be a prisoner because of his inner strength. I've had dozens of relationships with creative, intelligent males over my married life and they've all affected me in some way. I recently began to join the dots together and asked my husband how it was that they were ALL males - that these were the ones I've mostly gravitated towards (having only had the 1 brief affair). He said it was natural for the opposite sexes to be attracted. Who knows, but in normal day-to-day relationships my friends have primarily been female.

But, you know, I think I have Depression and have had most of my adult life. I've always been able to control this without medication and will do so again. It is probably more like what Stephen Fry has: Cyclothymic personality - I feel it so strongly these days: the highs and the lows. It's like you're always looking for that "sugar hit". This is why I'm empathetic with (particularly creative and talented) people with emotional issues, I guess. I do have a best friend who advises me but I feel self-indulgent (which I am) discussing this with her. She responded to advice recently via email, "you are one of a woman!" which made me feel better, I have to say. I miss the affirmation and interaction with my smart colleagues, but also enjoy the freedom to learn in retirement. This DOES sound self-centred, but I do feel depressed at the moment and it's hard for me to even find joy in playing the piano or listening to music. It will pass.

**Seniora** · 08-29-2010 04:35 PM

PS: The quote above from the girlfriend was actually, "You are one absolutely amazing woman, Jill"!! I couldn't write the exact words. It seems to have been automatically edited out, though it isn't a swear word. Go figure!

**jns** · 08-29-2010 06:36 PM

In brain physiology researchers have found cross wiring between parts of the brain that could be the connection between your love of intellectualism and your love of males in your relationships. If those parts of your brain were close and your body of knowledge in those subjects expanded, cross wiring may have occurred.

**stressed** · 08-30-2010 10:19 PM

Yes, it is easy to be impressed by intellectual and intelligent people, even more so through the internet. You seem to seek mental excitement and you feel you need it even more now when you are retired. That even though you are retired you still want to pursue your passion and you don't want to let the thought of the possibility that you may be getting too old for this get into your mind (I am not saying you are too old for anything, one is never too old to pursue his/her passion and dreams, but it may be a fear you have, hence you act like you do and why you feel depressed).

It appears that your husband is unable to provide you with this mental stimulation you seek, so you seek it in others, and it is easier to do so via the internet for reasons I mentioned above. He also doesn't share your passion for music. You've already had a long distance affair many years ago, long before retirement. Now you find yourself thinking about another man you met on the internet, who can give you at least half the excitement the other man did. So this cannot be just about you, it only tells me that you are not fully happy with your husband. You've been seeking fulfillment and intellectual conversations with other people (I am not 100% sure if you've only been seeking men on a subconscious level).

An idea would be to take up a course that would interest you, where you would meet other, interesting, people (preferably women), and keep yourself busy with something you love. I have a friend who has done that, my mother has done that as well. It's normal and healthy wanting to stay occupied with something you love after retirement. It's normal to seek intelligent conversations. Just don't get carried away by the internet. You've been there once, you know what it is like. Don't let it happen again.