LDR boyfriend has a new female best friend from the Army

**chelle21689** · 08-26-2010 05:35 PM

Hey guys, I thought I'd ask for your advice since everyone's advice was great on my last post. By the way, this has nothing to do with my "panic" attacks on the last thread when he misses a call from me.
Anyways, I want your thoughts

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 2 years long distance. Our 5 year anniversary is this week. Anyways, when he moved across the country with his family, he had no friends, no job, no life basically so he joined the Army Reserve. In training, he met tons of guy friends and some girl friends...when it was time to go back home none of his guy friends were in his unit but this girl from training was. So now they're super close, they go to army drills, language school, airborne school, and they're going to be deployed together.

She's his only friend he says...I told him to try and make other friends at his unit but he said that he's not as close to them and some of the guys he does like they decline to hang outside the unit most times. It would help so much if he didn't have a close girl friend that he hung out with a lot of the times...I just wish he'd hang out with a guy too. He was like, "Do you really think I just want one friend?" He said he also hangs out with her because she knows a lot of people to join the group and go to parties.

I've met the girl, I've stayed at her place with my boyfriend several days during my visit. She even gave up her bed for us to sleep in together. When I'm with them, I'm not jealous...but when I'm far away I'm so jealous because they're together all the time and my imagination runs wild. She is cool, but I hate that she is close to my boyfriend! She has a fiance whom is deployed in Iraq..but it doesn't seem to matter because he's so far away...they're both in the Army and not getting married soon.

We almost broke up a week ago because we argued for months about the same situation. But he didn't want to lose me and I didn't want to lose him...so we're still together and things are okay. My jealousy isn't as bad but I still hate that she is around him a lot of the time and shares a strong bond with him. She gets to be with him and I can't! She goes everywhere he goes in the Army and they are going to learn an Afghan language in the Army soon..ugh

He keeps saying he isn't attracted to her (I don't ask him that he just tells me), they don't even touch each other or hug because it's that type of relationship that would be awkward if they did. But who knows he could be lying. I just think he should spend less time with her....am I being unreasonable?

**jns** · 08-26-2010 06:36 PM

A ldr can be so difficult when doubts creep in. Has your bf ever done anything that you can specifically say that he cheated on you? She could just be a buddy, who happens to be a girl. I know you would be happier if it was a guy buddy, but friendships can be very strong in the military due to going through similar circumstances. Would you prefer he had no buddies?

**Mes T** · 08-26-2010 06:36 PM

I think... you're not being unreasonable in questioning the situation a little, but imo you're being unreasonable in making a bigger deal out of it than you need to.

It's always tricky with a boyfriend's gal pals. But you've MET this one, and she was very accommodating to you as a couple. That should be evidence enough for you that you have nothing to worry about.

Why don't you befriend her? I did that with some of my boyfriend's gal pals and it's helped a LOT. In fact the ones I'm even a little bit friends with, I'm TOTALLY comfortable with their relationship with my boyfriend.

I think you have two choices: Trust your man and be happy, or doubt him (for no reason as far as I can see) and be miserable.

Just because he is a male and she is a female doesn't automatically mean that anything will happen. But if you push it, or handle it wrong, then you will push him away - or put thoughts in his head that he wouldn't have had otherwise.

I have a male friend who, if I suddenly started spending all my time with, I would still NEVER be attracted to, EVERRRRRR. So, trust that your guy is the same.

Now if you ever see legitimate warning signs... then you can come back to this issue.

**chelle21689** · 08-27-2010 12:29 AM

He's never cheated on me...not that I know of LOL. We talked about what would happen if you had an attraction to the opposite sex and what to do about it, we talked about me trusting him how to handle a situation if she was inappropriate...I know she was accommodating us A LOT as a couple..I mean she even picked me up at the airport because my bf hasn't had a car in forever. She took us around a lot, I'm just scared that she'll steal our connection, they'll have a stronger bond, and all that. I'm jealous she gets to be with him whenever she can in the Army and out of the Army...and I can't....

I'll ADMIT...hanging out with her was fun, we got a long great but I don't think I can befriend her far away because my jealousy turns into hate for her when I'm far because i can't stand the thought of her and my bf. I feel like she takes my place when I go away because I'm supposed to be there for him...not her. There's NOTHING I can do about it because I'm so far...and us ending the distance isn't even near for about maybe 2 years. Even then we don't know what would happen...another deployment, another time they send him off to some school? *sigh*

All I hope is, is that my bf still values me more than this army buddy...I've been there for him for many years and he's only known this girl for almost a year.

It sucks that her fiance is in the Army too and can't be there with her. I'd feel a lot better if he was included but of course with my luck he's just sooo far. They seem to have a strong relationship ...I have a habit of "snooping" on facebook at his pages and seeing if they still write love notes to eachother to make myself feel better...but it only helps temprarily...haha...

**Mes T** · 08-27-2010 03:05 AM

Just because she's a "female" doesn't automatically mean that you should be competing with her. If she were a man, would you have the same feelings? Probably not... so just treat her like the gender isn't an issue, because, if your boyfriend is a trustworthy guy, it won't be.

If your boyfriend does develop some kind of close connection with her that he doesn't have with you (again... this is very unlikely, given all that you've told us about him and her)... THEN you can leave him, or whatever you need to do, and you can walk away strong, knowing that he wasn't good enough for you.

Look if he's gonna cheat or whatever, there's nothing you can do to stop it. It doesn't matter how much you worry about it... if he's the type of guy to betray your trust, he'll do it.

So really there's no point.

Relax, and maybe make a few male friends... that'll help you to see that it's possible to do so without it being a threat to your partner.

Alternatively, maybe you should think about reconsidering a LDR. It's hard, too hard for many people.

**caterpillar79** · 08-27-2010 08:42 AM

Mes_T said stated it well.

If a guy's going to cheat, whatever you do to prevent him from doing it, he'd do anyway. And sometimes, the things that you do to avoid such mishap whould be the ones that'd cause it.

Chill out. You might not admit it, but this jealousy is one of the reasons why you have your (panicky) crying moments. Please deal with it now. Is there anything else you can do yourself to keep your mind off of things?

As I understood, you've communicated this to tour bf already, and he has reassured you by telling you he's not attracted to her... What else do you need? It's not him nor his female buddy who is a problem-it's you and your lack of trust and low self-esteem. I do feel for you (I am a recovering fella, I was once very much like you... I even told him to cut communications with her... Then I met her and she's very nice...etc.). None of those helped so much until I was able to shift the way I see things. Your mind is capable to make or unmakw you. Use it to your advantage.

**chelle21689** · 08-27-2010 10:34 AM

When you guys say "cheat" do you mean emotionally too? Because I trust him not to do sexual things with her but a lot of people say these type of things start out innocent and then your relationship is all down hill from there because it can easily get out of hand. A part of me thinks, it's been almost a year...if something were to happen it would've happened already. Right?

I just don't get why he has to hang out with her almost every day. If I hung out with someone all the time I'd start to get a little bored if there wasn't a break in between.

She's stuck with him for the next 5 years in the army...it sucks!

**chelle21689** · 08-27-2010 12:28 PM

I was just thinking about this...I seem to switch my mind on the reason why I'm jealous...or it could be both. Afraid they'll fall in love? Jealous that she gets to be with him and I can't? I just try to remind myself that this is only temporary and one day I can spend as much time with him as I want. I kind of want to message her fiance and asks how he handles his jealous because I do know when he first found out about my bf and his fiancee's friendship he was angry how close they were but now it seems like he doesn't let it get to his relationship at all. Even when deployed they skype and talk on the phone every day for a while....I dont' know him so it'd be weird to randomly ask..or maybe it isn't a good idea since he's deployed and he's trying to keep his mind off it.

It's just odd how sometimes I convince myself how their friendship is wrong and sometimes I convince myself how totally okay it is. Gah. I'll tell you this though, how I'm handling the jealousy in my relationship has improved. We don't argue about it, but sometimes I want to talk about their friendship and he gets annoyed cuz its the same talk we've had a buncha times but I just need to hear things again to be reassured.

**caterpillar79** · 08-27-2010 02:20 PM

Jealousy is not entirely negative. It only becomes such if you allow it to ruin you and let it direct your emotional well-being. That's what I learned during my LDR with my bf (now my husband). You get jealous, it means you care about him and that you don't want him to be "snatched" from you - that's alright, it's normal, really. And it's good to know that you've gotten better in handling it. But convincing yourself that it's fine, is some sort of band aid to the root cause if the problem here.

Let's forget about the bf and his gal pal for a moment. Let's focus on you. What are the things that you love about yourself? What are those that eat you up and cause you to frown at yourself. Make a list. I'd be interested to see how many your qualities are that you love (and not love) about you. I'd like to know, I'd like YOU to know your weaknesses and strengths, so you could capitalize on your strengths in order to help address your weaknesses.

Sweetie, it could be him, another guy, or just anything or anyone else in your life. You'll always be jealous. You'll always need reassurance - I do, too. But you must find a healthy balance for yourself. Your bf could reassure you everytime you'd feel insecure or jealous, but there's so much that other people could do for you...learn to love yourself more above him. Live your life for you, not him. Everytime you start to think of " I wonder how he's doing?", " I wonder if he's with his gal pal..." stop yourself! Think about all your great qualities that you love about yourself, that he wouldn't find in her.

Once, in my desperation, I asked my bf what he loves about me, and I was astounded to discover that the qualities he loves about me are the same qualities I love about myself.

Put yourself first. Love yourself more. One thing is that most women need reassurance once in a while, and most men are not aware of this need. They don't get it. I for one, had to explain this to my husband. It doesn't mean we doubt them, we just need the reassurance...a simple kiss, a hug, touch...but it's more difficult to have those on LDR. I feel for you, I really do. (Are you sure you want this for you?)

**caterpillar79** · 08-27-2010 02:22 PM

PS...

(My iPhone is slow)

I'd like to add to the OP that I count emotional cheating as CHEATING in itself. And it's a deal- breaker for me. (just to answer your question on that).