Issues with Boyfriend's mom

**Lovely_B** · 09-14-2010 12:13 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, his mom and I have always gotten along; until he got a job and had to move 5hrs away, and now she's having problems with me. She's made comments about me taking him away from her and that I should be doing things for him because I'm not his wife. I understand that it's hard for her because he no longer lives with her and that she doesn't see him as much as she would like.( Even though since he has moved she's went and spent almost every weekend at his apartment.) I don't get to see him either, so it's not like I get to spend all this time with him and she doesn't because she's spent more time with him than I have. I miss him terribly, but we never get to spend any time together alone. Sometimes I would like to be able to just sit and talk to him or just be with him alone, and she's determined to keep that from happening. It's killing me to have these problems, because she is his mom and I don't want to cause problems between them, but she needs to realize he isn't a little boy and I'm not going any where. She knows we are planning on getting married, but that doesn't seem to matter to her. This has been going on for the last 4 months, since he moved.. What do I do?

**pretzel** · 09-14-2010 12:52 PM

Three things at least,

First, let his mom know what weekends you're planning on going there,

Second, let you boyfriend know what weekends you're planning on going there,

Three, tell your boyfriend that you don't want his mom there on weekends you're planning on being there.

It's time to set a few groundrules. End of discussion.

**Lovely_B** · 09-14-2010 01:10 PM

Well, I left some things out, that I probably shouldn't have. She apparently didn't think that we were having sex, even though we have been together for so long. This is one of the things that started causing problems. She REALLY doesn't think I should spend the night with him alone. I really believe she's having some kind of break down, because he honestly is afraid that she may do something to herself if I dont' stop going to see him alone. This has caused issuses because we want to spend time together alone, but what if she actually did something? I don't know what to do, and this has been so hard my boyfriend and myself. We miss each other like crazy, but he's terrified of what she would do, and I don't want to push staying with him, because I would never be able to forgive myself if she did do something. As hard as it has been on me, I feel so bad for him because he loves both of us and doesn't want either of us to be hurt. It's crushed him with her being this way. I just don't know what to do!

**pretzel** · 09-14-2010 01:23 PM

Yeah, this definately does change things.

I guess I'm wondering aloud that if he knew of these issues was it that important of a job that he had to move that far away?

What about other family members?

And there can be a resolution in which all concerned will be okay.

**KMonte85** · 09-14-2010 01:24 PM

I guess it kind of skirts the issue... BUT why does she have to know that you're going to be there? If she's threatening a mental breakdown/self harm if you two spend time alone together, then why can't your bf tell her he's busy on a certain weekend and you two spend that time together without telling her?

Sorry, I realize that's kind of passive aggressive and doesn't solve the problem, but hey.. sometimes (with dramatic people) its best to keep them in the dark - ignorance is bliss in certain cases

**Lovely_B** · 09-14-2010 01:37 PM

There hadn't been any sort of issue until after he moved and I went to spend a weekend with him alone. Then I guess thats when it hit her that we had been having sex and thats when everything started happening. It kept getting worse, and after she saw she couldn't stop us, thats when it really started getting bad. Thats when she had the discussion with him about not being able to live with the thought of us being together in that way or spending the night together. Her and his dad argue because his dad tells her that it isn't any of her buisness what we do, but he doesn't know about the talk she had with my boyfriend and he won't say anything to his dad about it, because he doesn't want his dad mad at her. Everyone that has told her that it's not a big deal and it shouldn't be bothering her this way, she has started to ignore them and focuses that much more on the situation..We've tried the not telling part, and somehow she still managed to find out that I had went and thats when she decided to show up.

**LanaBear** · 09-14-2010 01:45 PM

How old are the two of you?

This just seems REALLY odd. I mean, he needs to stand up to her a little and say what his dad says. It isn't any of her business and if she wanted to live in fantasyland that you two had been together this long and weren't having sex, that's nobody's issue but hers.

It seems to me that she's being a bit manipulative towards him. I can see why he moved 5 hours away. I probably would have moved across the country.

I agree with KM, ignorance is bliss in this case.

**pretzel** · 09-14-2010 01:47 PM

There's way too many people not taking responsibility here for whatever reason. You boyfriend won't tell his dad that mom needs to stay away and let me grow up and live my live which includes you staying the weekend. His dad won't confront his wife about staying away because he's afraid she'll make a scene and make his life miserable.

Who's running your boyfriends life?

**Lovely_B** · 09-14-2010 01:54 PM

We are both 22. We had been away at school together during our whole relationship. And she apparently thought nothing had happened. He did stand up to her, and thats when she started saying she couldn't live with it. I think there is def. some manipulating going on, but he's truely concerned. I wasn't there when she was telling him these things, so I don't know how she acted. So, now he's really afraid and I don't know if she really feels that strongly about it or if she is just doing it to get what she wants. She had quit her job and everything because she knew after he graduated he would be looking for jobs, he got offered one alot sooner than any of us expected. We had a week to have him moved and in his new apartment after he graduated. So it was hard on everyone. But now she's home alone all the time and I really don't think that helps..did I mention he's an only child?

**Lovely_B** · 09-14-2010 02:00 PM

Originally Posted by pretzel

There's way too many people not taking responsibility here for whatever reason. You boyfriend won't tell his dad that mom needs to stay away and let me grow up and live my live which includes you staying the weekend. His dad won't confront his wife about staying away because he's afraid she'll make a scene and make his life miserable.

Who's running your boyfriends life?

She is. I realize that but my boyfriend is so worried about her, that he just doesn't see it that way. His dad has said things to her many times, which has caused many problems with their marrige. That she has made sure that my boyfriend knows about and makes sure he knows that it's all his fault. She is really good at making him feel bad and guilty. I felt bad for her at first because I knew it was hard for her that he moved away, btu she acts like she's the only one that misses him and that she should be the only one that misses him. And I dont feel bad for her any more. I want to get along with her and I dont want her to hate me, because I love him and we do plan on spending our lives together, but I'm almost to the point of not caring anymore about what she thinks of me or whether she likes me.