How to cope with a relationship, that I ended.

**P_n** · 09-16-2010 08:54 AM

Hi,
So about in July I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because I was not happy. We were on and off since I was 15 and I am currently 22. We were going strong for the 2.5 years and getting serious. Things starting becoming serious and that’s when I starting evaluating our relationship. We argued like crazy, at times we had physical fights, emotional roller coaster, and he was controlling and manipulative. When I was 15 years old for new years eve, I got really drink and yelled at him and made a scene because he wanted to smoke pot, but I was 15. Ever since then his friends have hated me, so he felt the need to keep us a secret. I never wanted to tell my friends because they didn’t like him due to the fact he treated me like and thought he was a bad influence. As time went on, when I was 17 and he was 18 he decided to ignore me for 1.5 years. We finally got back together and it has been a mess. I had a timeframe in my head of what I was going to with the relationship because 1. I wasn’t happy and 2. I was graduating college and was debating if I wanted to end this relationship as I do with the college chapter of my life. I decided to stop taking his phone calls and told him I needed space. In reality, I just needed to experience something different. It was a temporary situation. However, he kept calling me non-stop and texting and didn’t understand what I meant by space. In the meantime I was mingling and meeting new people. This last weekend he called me 25 times and told me he was in the hospital because he tried to kill himself. I didn’t know if I was supposed to believe him or if he was lying to win me back. I told him I needed proof that he was admitted, he emailed me copies of it. Then he didn’t believe me that I didn’t delete it so he begged and begged for my email password just to make sure I didn’t keep it hidden (the documents of his admittance into the hospital for suicidal). I kept telling him no and he wouldn’t listen, I have come to the conclusion that he cannot take “no” as an answer from me. All this week he has been begging me to take him back and that he’s sorry. I told him to prove it to me that he is sorry and I will think about it. He called me non-stop yesterday and texting me saying he is sorry and please listen. Then late at night he started texting me mean things, such as I’m fat and call him after I’m done eating and like “happy eating ” this was at like 3:30 am. It upset me because I know I’m not fat and I know I can get another guy, he is the one who kept crying and whining when he called me nonstop. I felt so embarrassed that I was even someone like that. So my dilemma is what do I do? I don’t want to be with him and I feel hurt because of the he said to me. Although, I feel empty because we shared a lot of time together, he has pretty much pushed me away from all my friends. I’m sad and lonely and bitter all the time. The happiness has been shattered. I dont know what do.
Thank you in advance for the help!

**sungoddesschelsy** · 09-16-2010 09:42 AM

He's got to deal with it on his own if you are going to make a clean break from the relationship. (in a hospital or not) You've been with this person a long time and he probably sees you as his best friend and doesn't want to have to be with out you. He's said mean things... trying to make you feel bad about yourself, probably as bad as he feels because he lost you.
If you aren't happy, and you can't see yourself with this person in your future, then IMO you are doing the right thing by breaking up right now and not when you've been married or have kids.

**sourpuss** · 09-16-2010 09:43 AM

I think you know that answer is to walk...no run...away from him. You gave him 7 years of your life and it didn't work out. Too bad for him. You have your whole life ahead of you to be happy and find what you want in life. Spending any more time and emotional effort on this situation is a lost cause.
Go out, be happy and live your life for you.

**WildChild** · 09-16-2010 09:43 AM

This is so loaded with negativity, insecurity and immaturity that it's hard to know where to start. He has real problems and I think you are wise to distance yourself from them. This insult and then demand your attention stuff is riduculous. You aren't responsible for his choices, happiness or lack of happiness. He has made his big play, gotten hospitalized and should be going into counseling - which is where he needs to be.

The best thing you can do for both of you is cut the ties. Don't respond. He will heal more quickly when he understands that it is over. You need to move foreward. First own that he isn't responsible for the choices you made or things you allowed. If you have lost freinds over him, that isn't because of him, it's because of the choices you made regarding your priorities between him and freinds. Start getting out, meeting people, and exploring new interests. You are on the edge of a new chapter in your life - LIVE it, don't just exist in it.

I urge you not to get involved with anyone too quickly. Give yourself some time to heal and to develop friendships and your own life first.

**sourpuss** · 09-16-2010 09:56 AM

Great advice WC, as always. I agree.

**P_n** · 09-16-2010 10:29 AM

Thank you so much. I'm not looking for a relationship I'm so sick of caring for someone and caring for them an all the emotions that come along with it. I'm just upset because this was my decision and why do I feel like . I should be happy but I'm sad. I should be excited but I'm not.

**sungoddesschelsy** · 09-16-2010 10:36 AM

Your mind is trying to take you back to what you know is normal... being with him.
You are stepping outside of your own comfort zone and its scares you, it does all of us. But thats how you grow, step outside of what you already know and add something else. Its hard... I've been trying to get out of my relationship for almost 2 years now... so I know your pain.
Keep your head up... tell yourself you are doing the right thing, create positive energy for youself and you will be better for it.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-16-2010 10:49 AM

SO glad to hear you're out of this relationship, and I sincerely hope you stay out of it. He seems possessive, jealous, and red flags go up that he may be someone who would physically hurt you given the right opportunity. Stay away from him, tell him you do not want any more contact with him, don't text him back, don't answer his calls and if he persists get a restraining order.

When you're with someone a long time, you'll definitely miss things about them. Sometimes you'll reflect back on some of your good memories with that person, and you'll feel sad. But when you do, stop yourself and demand your mind give you a reality check.

Leaving him was THE decision to make. Stick with it.

**jns** · 09-19-2010 04:51 PM

He is not the one for you. Find yourself someone who will treat you good and really loves you.

**nubianqueen** · 09-27-2010 08:41 PM

I know exactly how you feel.....when we've been with someone for a long time, we tend to get comfortable with them, regardless if the person was good for us or not. I will tell you too, speaking from personal experience, he can and will get very mean, doing anything he can to get you to feel the same pain he's feeling. What you have to understand is that you are not that person he is trying to make you out to be. Honestly, at this point in your life, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going for what makes YOU happy in life You're young, and have so much ahead of you to look forward to. After all, you never wanna look at yourself 20 years later and wonder what the heck happened. Like someone else posted earlier, it's best to cut ties now rather than trying to do it after getting married, having 3 kids and a mortgage payment to deal with.....