I kept pushing him, now he cracked. Somebody please help me :( I'm in desperate nee

**peace_girl** · 09-16-2010 03:16 PM

I'm in desperate need of advice. My life is falling apart because my heart is so involved with my current boyfriends. I'm going to lay out the story.

I am currently going to college in Washington DC. This past summer I went home to my family which is on the completely other side of the United States, California. Over the summer I met an amazing guy. We hit it off in the begginning, started to date but never took our relationship seriously. He knew I would soon be leaving to go back to college and I knew that he didn't really want to committ in a serious relationship. However, I always knew from day one that I wanted a long term relationship with him. I really fell for him. As the summer continued on we grew closer and closer. I spent every day with him and just fell HARD for him. He is in the military and will be getting out in December and going back to the east coast. Now this is where things start to get complicated.

He has a son. When he was 21 he got his ex girlfriend pregnant. The son is beautiful and there is none of that baby mama drama. She isn't trying to get back together with him nor is he trying to get back with her. He explained many times that it was a mistake that he made when he was young. Although he loves his son dearly, he wished that he had a kid with whoever he married. So since he is getting out in December, his plan was to go back to Florida where is son is. So me and him were like, "okay, this could work." Florida isn't too far from DC so we can take turn visiting. As summer finished we established that we wanted to try out this long distance thing and that we could really make it work if we tried. I was so happy that he was willing to make this work. We really grew so close to each other of the course of three months.

It has been three weeks since I have been back at college and seperated from him. Things are HORRIBLE. We are constantly fighting. But all the fights start cause of me. I am very protective of myself and I always say I doubt him and his capability to last through this distance. I also have a HUGE issue with the fact that he has a son with someone else. I accept his son but I am constantly brining up the situation and questioning him, WHY DiDN'T YOU WAIT? WHY DID YOU GET HER PREGNANT? WHY DID YOU DO THIS? I am constantly poking at that situation making him feel bad for what has happened in the past. I am just having a hard time dealing with it. I am falling in love with this guy. It has been so short that we've known each other but I feel like I've met the one. Recently he told me he wants to move to DC where I'm at instead of Florida. He said that although he has a son he needs to live his life too and that he would visit his son frequently. This right here showed a lot to me! He basically is choosing me over his son and that doesn't feel good to me because I don't want that. I mean I want him with me but I understand that his son is important. The thing is that if he doesn't move to DC
things probably just wouldn't work. He would be in Florida and I still need to finish my schooling here.

The past couple days have been bad. As I was saying, I am constantly poking at the whole son sintuation. Lecturing him on how it wasn't a smart idea because it just complicates things. I question him about the baby's mama and ask every single detail they had as far as what sex positions and where he took her out to dates. Crazy right? I know! I have a problem I'm so torn by the fact that he gave her a child. I want children and when I have them I want it to be with the man that I love and marry and I want him to be new to the whole experience just as I am. I want him to experience a birth for the first time. The hard thing I have with my boyfriend is that he already has been through that. We talk about our future together, we're really serious. But when I think of us having kids, my heart breaks cause he has one. I get so jealous of the baby's mama cause I feel like that should be me! THat I should be the mother of that child! It really gets to me where I have break downs. My friends say that if I can't accept it that I need to let go of him. But you know what, I love him and I will accept it. It's just hard for me. I tell him he needs to just support me and reassure me that everything will be alright. He has been doing a good job. But I am constantly picking fights about it. I am constantly telling him he doesn't really care about me. I am constantly saying I doubt him. I do all these things just to see if he cares enough to fight back. I have a wall up and I just want him to climb it. BUt I keep pushing and pushing and pushing and fighting and fighting and saying he doesn't care when he is constantly saying he does. I know he cares. He is a good man. I threaten him and I'm always saying, "I can't do this, maybe we aren't for each other" I don't mean those words one bit. But I still say it I just want to see if he cares to fight for me.

So last night did it for him. The whole baby's mama issue was brought up. I said that I care so much about him but maybe he needs to find a women who doesn't have these issues with him having a kid. Once again I didn't mean it at all. I want him and DON'T want him with any other women. I accept the fact that he has a kid it just hurts me soooo much. So he finally cracked last night. He told me he needs time to really think about what he wants in life. He wanted me but now he just doesn't know cause I keep pushing him away. He said he has tried to be patient and there for me but I just don't try to move forward. This opened up my eyes. I really need to start changing and if I say I accept his situation I need to act like it instead of reminding him every day that what he did complicates things. It took him saying he doensn't know about us anymore to make me realize I need to change. I really evaluated myself I know what needs to be done. I have issues and need to stop dwelling on it. But now I feel like it's too late. He says he still cares and wants us to work BUT the situation is hard. The whole "BUT" thing kills me. He said he has doubt now in me and if I can handle his situation. He no longer wants to move to DC cause there is no security there for him cause I am constantly changing my mind and saying "I can't do this." Which is understandable. I have pushed him to doubt me when all I was trying to do was to see if he cared. :/ I have messed up BIG TIME. He says he has his guard up now. He is tired of all the fights that I start. He says he can only take so many punches. He is giving up and I can feel it. He says we can try this again I need to prove myself, but just the fact that he isn't in this 100% BREAKS MY HEART I went to sleep crying, I woke up crying, I walked into class started crying, I left another class early crying, and I skipped my last class to come back to my room to cry. I have cried so much I really screwed things up. I had a good man and I just kept testing and testing him til he cracked. I just wanted to see if he cared and it back fired. I accept that he has a son, it just is hard for me.

Now I don't know what to do. What can I do to prove to him that he can move here and be sure about me and not doubt me. What can I do to prove that I accept his situation with his son? I should have never kept fighting him cause I reached his limit. Somebody please tell me what to do so that he will go back to being 100% about this relationship. It hurts me that he is slowly giving up but it is my fault for pushing him All my fears are coming true. I was so scared that he would give up, he promised me he wouldnt, but look what is happening. It's cause of me I know but look what is happening. I am so hurt

Somebody please tell me what I can do so that he doesn't doubt us anymore. I am in desperate need of advice. Also someone please tell me how I can get over the past and not let it bother me so much.

My heart is breaking. I need advice

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-16-2010 04:30 PM

It has been three weeks since I have been back at college and seperated from him. Things are HORRIBLE. We are constantly fighting. But all the fights start cause of me. I am very protective of myself and I always say I doubt him and his capability to last through this distance. I also have a HUGE issue with the fact that he has a son with someone else. I accept his son but I am constantly brining up the situation and questioning him, WHY DiDN'T YOU WAIT? WHY DID YOU GET HER PREGNANT? WHY DID YOU DO THIS? I am constantly poking at that situation making him feel bad for what has happened in the past.

Being protective of yourself and not allowing yourself to love and be loved, will end you as an old maid. People come and go in our lives. One person, the one person you spend the rest of your life with may enter your life, today, tomorrow or in the future. In the meantime, each relationship is a learning curb. Imagine, if this relationship ceases.. You loved him, he loved you but you pushed the buttons, the boundries, put him down, his life before you, is that a lesson to learn not to do in the next relationship?

What are two people that decide to get together.. They are two individuals, but who gel together as one. What ever is past is past. Can you change that? No.. Should you? No, why? Because it doesn't matter, you accept people in life for who they are, not what you want them to be... And, a baby becomes one day, your step child, one you love just as much as your own, because of the love you have for your partner. It doesn't matter that you did not conceive it, what matters is that you love the child of your man, because you love him.

He says he can only take so many punches. He is giving up and I can feel it

I'm suprised that he didn't end it sooner

You have an issue with being loved. You don't believe it is possible, it can happen, you mentioned "boyfriends" not plural so this suggests you always push them away.

Sometimes this is from your own past, family or school, friends or all. The only way to stop that, is to love yourself, look deed inside yourself and realise that there must be one heck of a good person in there, not the outside, the inside, or else you wouldn't have boyfriends.

Closing your heart and not letting anyone in. Putting them down to gain attention. Putting them down to try to get proof of love, will actually send them running, you know it's not the right way to handle it. Again, look in that mirror and tell yourself, geez, he went out with me, he loves me.

Look deeply at your past. Yep, you have one too

And explain to him the truth, that you need to learn to love yourself, that you have pushed everyone in your life away before, through fear of letting your heart go. You realise that words can't be taken back but you also realise it's fear of losing that is making you say them. You accept his son, deep down, but again, have stated you don't because, you fear he will either love his child more than you, (your problem at present with the word love), or that you know he loves his son and again, (your fear of love)... If your childhood was based on non-love,tell him. You have to find the core of the reason as to why you fear love so much that you have to push people away in your life.

had a good man and I just kept testing and testing him til he cracked. I just wanted to see if he cared and it back fired. I accept that he has a son, it just is hard for me.

Attention seeking... A past perhaps of rejection. A need to beloved. If you accept he has a son, quit telling him you don't and read above..again

Now I don't know what to do. What can I do to prove to him that he can move here and be sure about me and not doubt me. What can I do to prove that I accept his situation with his son?

Relationship in bonding with each other, is talking about day to day stuff, everything, future, present, this includes how his son is, what his son has been doing, and believing in your relationship.

Also someone please tell me how I can get over the past and not let it bother me so much.

PAST IS PAST it belongs to that person, no one else.
PRESENT IS PRESENT it belongs to both of you.
FUTURE IS FUTURE it belongs to both of you.

Let go of your past.
Let go of his past.
Concentrate on the present and allow yourself to go into your future.

If need be, seek professional help to guide you as to why you fear so much, being loved when you want it more than anything in life.

Read positive books, guidance of the self, and learn to love your inner self so that you can be loved and love back with peace and not fear the future.

CW

**LanaBear** · 09-16-2010 05:07 PM

Are you, deep down, jealous of his son or maybe even the child's mother? I mean, it is REALLY REALLY not fair for you to throw this in his face so often. Like CW said, I'm surprised he didn't end this sooner. The moment you started all this nonsense up, really. You say that you adore his child, but in all honesty, it sounds to me that you have some major resentment towards the whole situation. His child should and will always come first, before you or any future girlfriend. He admits, it was a mistake, what more do you want from him?

You need to calm down, take a step back and look at this. It is not healthy. Reread what you wrote, if it wasn't you that wrote it, what advice would you give this poor girl?

**peace_girl** · 09-16-2010 08:37 PM

First off I want to thank you both for taking the time to read through my blog and reply. It really means a lot! Please excuse my typo-o that I have noticed. I didn't proof read, just posted it.

But Candlers wish, thank you so much for taking the time to really give me advice on this situation. It really helps a lot, more than you could ever imagine. Maybe I should give a little background on myself. I am one to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS follow my heart. I always act on my emotions. I always go for what I'm feeling in my heart no matter if my friend's tell me to stay away. Could this be a downfall? Some may say, but I always and will always believe to follow my heart. I never think logically, always with my heart. That is why I'm scared to get hurt because I want to give all of myself to someone and I just don't want them to throw me away. This has caused to put me in this "single girl party mode stage." Ask everyone who knows me, I am the boy-crazed, loud, happy-go-lucky, party girl. No I am not slutty and sleep around with different men. But I am constantly out to have a good time, never wanted to get serious. For that past couple years I have acted like this big bad chick who "makes the boys cry" but in reality I just want to find someone that my heart feels love for. Everyone thinks that I'm a player cause one moment I'll talke to one guy and the next moment I'll be over him. It's not cause I'm trying to play anyone, I just don't feel anything for them in my heart. I have issues with commitment and fear of getting hurt. I know this. I have known this and I ask myself why? I have had a WONDERFUL childhood. I come from a very loving family, grew up with two wonderful parents who did nothing but love me. I always have done good in school, always was a social butterfly, always had the boys thinking I was pretty, I never had it rough. I never found the guy that I truly wanted to be serious with. I told myself that the day I want to settle down and be in a relationship with someone, will probably be the day I have found him. And that is what I feel. I feel like I have. But why am I so scared? No broken childhoon here. Sometimes I wish I could ask god what is a matter with me. Maybe I do need to look deep down inside and love myself. I am a confident person. I never felt insecure about my looks. I love attention and never felt timid or that I wasn't good enough. My self esteem is pretty high actually. I think I'm a great catch. So I can't seem to figure out the real issue. Scared of getting hurt is all I can think of. I am so loving and caring.....man I just don't know

"Closing your heart and not letting anyone in. Putting them down to gain attention. Putting them down to try to get proof of love, will actually send them running, you know it's not the right way to handle it. Again, look in that mirror and tell yourself, geez, he went out with me, he loves me. "

You couldn't have worded this any better. I put him down to get attention. I put him down to prove that he has love for me. It HAS sent him running. I messed it up and I regret it so much. Maybe I do that because deep down inside I'm insecure. Yes, that must be it. I just want to find that one guy that you see in movies. That one that you will love and will love you NO MATTER WHAT. The one guy you will NEVER loose interest in. That one guy that will not leave you even when it gets rough. I just don't want him to leave me when things get ugly. If we get married there will be many issues to deal with and I just am testing his capability to handle things when it is tough. I am doing this in the completely wrong manne. Putting him down isn't the answer. I'm sorry if my thought are all over the place, as I write this I am learning and discovering more about myself.

His past is his past, you're right.

"you fear he will either love his child more than you"

I do fear that. I want to be number one in my man's life. I want to be his main priority. That is why I always imagined myself falling in love with a guy with no kids. So that I could be his number one and THENNNNNN we could have kids and share them together. That is not how the cards worked for me though. I fell in love with a guy who has a kid and everything I wanted has changed. But I don't have a child so I don't understand the feeling of having one and the love of being a parent. I never understood so I guess that is why I kept putting him down and didn't see my effect. I have been so nasty. And you're right, I don't know why he has stuck around so long. That is why I feel so lucky. That is why I don't want to loose him, because he has put up with me so much. And I have been horrible with him

I just need to work on imporving myself and getting over my issues so I could move forward with him. I love him and I want this to work. You have truly helped me realize A LOT today.

Do you think I should let him go? I never want to become in between someone and their kid. I feel like now that I am in the picture he feels like he needs to choose. I don't want him to feel like that. Maybe I should let him go and figure out what he wants to do in this next step of his life. As I mentioned, he is getting out of the military. He has no lined up job, no place, doesn't know where he wants to be (cause I am now in the picture) transitioning from that military lifestyle to the civillian life is a huge one. I feel like me being in the picture just complicates things. I don't want to let him go but when you care for someone so much you just want the best for them. I know he still wants me in his life and wants to move slower and take it down a notch. But do you think maybe it's best that I let him figure out his life before we try to figure out one together. I really don't want to let him go, that would tear my heart apart and I know he doesn't want to be apart yet. But I just want what is best for him

that is all.

Lana Bear- Your words are very harsh but TRUE. Reading what you wrote makes me feel horrible! I don't have a child so I could never understand what he must be feeling when I put him down. I don't know that bond yet. I have been horrible. And you're right, I am jealous. I am jealous that his child is before me. I am jealous that this women he barley cared about got to share a child with him, I want to be the women to have a child with him. I wanted his first kid so we could share that joy together. But you know what, it didn't happen that way and there is nothing I can do. I do have major resentment towards the situation and it's all cause I am jealous. Jealous she got that special thing with him. Jealous that the child isn't mine and that the child is before me. What have I become? I totally agree, children SHOULD ALWAYS come first. There is no doubt about that. I guess I just was thinking about me. I wanted it to be all about me. But both of you have really made me realize a lot. I need to stop thinking about myself and put myself in his shoes. He has put up with so much with me. I am so lucky to have him. And I HATE that it took this for me to realize that I need to let go of the past and change my ways

Where should I go from here? What can I do to make him care about me the way he did before? Do you think it's too late? And even if he decides to go back to Florida and not DC, what should I do about that. Still continue to try to make it work, I WANT TO. I LOVE HIM. No matter the distance I want it to work. But what happens if all this struggle was for nothing? Ahhhh man, and now I see my self being protective again. But wouldn't you guys be too if your heart was fully put out there?

**LanaBear** · 09-16-2010 10:56 PM

My goal wasn't to make you feel horrible, but just to make you realize that being jealous of a child is not healthy. The child didn't ask for it and the child is innocent. It sounds like, if anything, you should be proud of the fact that the boyfriend cares, loves and takes care of his son, mistake or not.

I think you seriously need to get a grip and figure out what you expect from him. If what you expect from him, doesn't involve his child, you need to say bye and move on. If that is not the case, you need to come 100% open and clean with him, tell him honestly what your thoughts are/were and see what he says. He may be done, may not be able to get past all the drama. If it were me and I was a single mom, the person I dated disrespected me and my kids, it be extremely hard to get past, to be honest.

At this point, all you can do is talk to him. Figure out what he is feeling, let him know you've seen the error in your ways and see if he has it in his heart to forgive.

**Texinator** · 09-16-2010 11:04 PM

Any good parent will make their child their number one priority. Anybody who wishes to get together with someone who already has a child needs to realize they can only ever be number two on the list of priorities at best.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-17-2010 12:19 AM

You met him, fell for him knowing full well he had a son... he layed it on the table to you and you accepted it and now all of a sudden you have decided that the life he lead before he ever even met you, ever even knew you exsisted --- should have never happened. He should have known that you were going to enter his life and sit in a corner and not live and not make the mistakes humans make and wait for you... well.... look at it like this.

He met you because his life lead him to you. If he didn't make all the same successes all the same mistakes... he might have been somewhere else entirely in his life and you guys would have never met to fall in love anyway. You don't have to accept the fact he's has a son... you can choose to leave this relationship. But this releationship will go NOWHERE... if you refuse to accept his son, love his son, and quit badgering him over what he did before you guys even knew each other.

Not everyone is cut out to date someone with a kid, and if you are not that person you should walk away. What would you like him to do? Abandon this poor child that didn't ask to be here? To make some kid go fatherless just so that you can pretend your boyfriend had no life before you? A little unfair. I don't mean to be harsh but I think you need to recognize what you are asking of him... you are getting mad and stirring fights over a little human life that depends on him, needs him, that HE helped create.

The kind of man that would say, 'you know what honey, you're right -- I should have never had that kid, I'll pretend he doesn't exsist to make you happy' would be a Sociopath, unfeeling, cold excuse for a human being (in fact should probably get dna tested to be sure they are not a Pod) unfit to love ANYONE, including you. So count your blessings that you found a man with a heart and a sense of responsability. If the dating a man with a kid thing isn't for you, move on...If you love him enough to make this work you are going to have to open your heart to his kid and quit resenting him and quit picking fights with your man over the fact that his life didn't begin til the day you met.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-17-2010 12:34 AM

Originally Posted by peace_girl

Where should I go from here? What can I do to make him care about me the way he did before? Do you think it's too late?

I think you should be open and honest with him and let him know that the way you handled things with his son was immature, irrational and that you were just feeling a little bit jealous of the bond that he will always have to someone else... or whatever emotions or feelings that lead you to react the way you did about him having a child. Being honest about the true reasons behind your reactions, will show him you are human, will show him you are honest, will expose your greatest fears and worries so that he can comfort you and you him.

Open your heart to his child, you don't have to be instant step mom. Baby steps, express in an interest in his childs life, how he is doing, what funny things he's said lately. His child is part of him and if you want your man to share his life with you -- if he has to hide the pride he feels for his son he will never be himself with you and therefore never be happy. It shouldn't be a competition and you need to make it clear that you are not going to make it one.

The love you feel for a partner and the love you feel for a child are two very different loves, both complete and whole and unique and special in their own ways. You have a greater responsability of your love to your child than you will ever have for anyone else. But that doesn't mean you are unable to give someone your heart and love them just as fully. Its just a relationship can end, you can walk away from that owing the partner you had nothing. You cannot walk away from a child, not ever... you brought them here, you owe them the world if its within your grasp.

That doesn't mean you will be less important than his son, it just means that you have to understand that kind of uncodional love even if you have not yet experienced it, just know that it exsists... and respect his.

I don't think all hope is lost if you pull it together and stop badgering him over his past, making him feel guilty for something that although he probably wishes he handled differently at the time, is now greatful for the curveball life tossed that gave him this little person.

But do not lie to yourself or him or thrust yourself in his life under false pretenses. If you know in your heart you are never going to be okay with his being a father... just let him go. Don't damage this poor lil child of his making him feel like the thing that is tearing his daddy and his gf apart, don't put your boyfriend in the position of constantly feeling torn.

**Raina** · 09-17-2010 01:10 AM

Take a step back and breath. Its the first thing you need to do right now. After you've gotten your senses straight and can think more clearly, take a moment and access the situation.

Not to point fingers here, but the majority of the damage, from what I can tell from reading, is mostly from your hands. My first step would be to give him a little bit of space, if not more. The fights, with as constant as you've made them seem, most likely have him just as distraught as you are. Hes found a woman that he loves, hes found a woman that accepts his darling son, accepts everything about his life style and has no problem in making adjustments to create a lifestyle together. He is/was happy! All of a sudden he has doubts thrown his way. There were arguments about his son and the fact that he was conceived by another woman, I doubt that made him smile. His son is important to him because its HIS son, no matter what woman brought that child into this world, its still his son. On the note of children: Why so irritable that he won't be new the experience? No childbirth is the same, emotions will always run high, excitement will ALWAYS be there, its a life that you helped create being brought into this world and there is nothing like it. The experience, even though he has a son already, with having another child will be as new as the first.

After the both of you have a little time apart, have a discussion with him. Don't turn it into an argument but ask him if he would be kind enough to let you explain. Start by explaining why everything happened, don't go off and say, "This would've never happened if you just didn't have a child with her," or anything else that could be turned against him, hes a victim here. Be calm with him and try not to cry. Once you've finished explaining why things happened the way they did, end it with an apology. If I were him, I would probably want one.

All in all, its a pretty iffy mess to clean up. However, if you manage to clean it up and straighten everything out again then you'll find yourself in an extremely happy relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-17-2010 02:34 AM

I am one to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS follow my heart. I always act on my emotions. I always go for what I'm feeling in my heart no matter if my friend's tell me to stay . Could this be a downfall?

I would say it's "type".. If your friends tell you to stay away it's the "choice" that your not realising that your making the mistake on...

Our "emotions" happen the moment we sleep with someone

So, there I would suggest you hold off on that, get to know the person, use your head and see if there is compatabilty as well, as respect.. You'll know, as he'll get angry and try, or he'll be patient and wait.

I am the boy-crazed, loud, happy-go-lucky, party girl.

But, you probably flirt alot

And, they see that as a sign that they can get you into bed easily.

Seems this guy though got to know "you"... How is that? And, isn't that what it's all about?

Sweet, your past is your past you missed that bit

Your insecurity makes you the life of the party, and you project yourself on the outside, not the inside.. You don't think you'll find it, so you just play to a degree.

If this man has come into your life and accepted "you" for "you" then he's seen the inner you.

That is exactly what you are stating you want, to love and be loved.

You have it there, let go of the past and concentrate on realising your worth.. And his worth to you..

CW