Jealous of boyfriend's coworker

**Deenie88** · 09-19-2010 11:19 AM

My boyfriend of 9 months is wonderful to me, but jealousy is starting to drive me crazy.

Here is the issue though: he has a former female co-worker that he had been having lunch with every week (just the 2 of them) for a few YEARS when we met, although she is married (and much younger and pretty btw). After about 3-4 months of us dating, I began to be really bothered by this and after much discussion, arguments, trying a lunch with all three of us (and her telling him after she doesn't like me) etc. he stopped the lunches. But this was only after I had a major melt-down about it.

Now he is having multiple work meetings (just the 2 of them) with a different woman. At first I thought nothing of it, but now I am becoming overly jealous about it I am afraid because of his actions with the other woman making me have doubts. Yes, he and this new woman are meeting for legitimate purposes but he has acted oddly about the meetings (NOT telling me what meetings he has when he meets with her, when he tells me about all his other meetings, etc.) I work at the same office and so I know when he has meetings and can check his calendar (Yes I am sure someone will say that is obsessive or clingy).

I don't want to be a jealous freak. I just have this gut feeling that something is amiss. Should I trust him or my gut? How to know when it's more than just a work relationship. I guess the fact he went out with the previous co-worker woman (and sometimes to dinner with her even) when her husband apparently did NOT like it, has me wondering if he can be trusted on this issue. I just came out of a long-term marriage where I was mistreated and maybe I am afraid to trust this guy. I love him and want it to work but I don't want to have blinders on. How to know if this is reasonable jealousy and how to handle it are my main questions...thanks!

**jns** · 09-19-2010 03:11 PM

Interoffice relationships are always a problem. It sounds like your bf uses the office as a place to find relationships. I hope your relationship works out, but I have a gut feeling that it is doomed.

**auntie_awesome** · 09-19-2010 05:24 PM

He has to work with women. He can't say, "oh sorry, I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't want me talking to females that much, so I need to reschedule this meetings about Accounts until it can be arranged with a male employee".

You've told him he can no longer have lunch with one women, you are likely about to flip about another woman, and you are checking his meetings and schedules at work. He may not tell you because you do get so jealous about it, I know my husband would stop telling me things if he got in trouble for it and it was out of his control (in regards to work).

I do agree though that it sounds like his workplace is his playing field...do you really want to be involved with someone you constantly have to worry about?

**Mes T** · 09-19-2010 05:29 PM

I agree with the posters above.

He continually met up with a woman for meals against not only your wishes but against the woman's husband's wishes as well. That to me shows a really strange level of immaturity. It's not normal behavior and you can do better.

**Deenie88** · 09-19-2010 07:45 PM

jns, a_a and Mes_T, thanks I hadn't thought about the fact he uses the office as his playing field but something for me to think about for sure. To be fair, he told me that he didn't know the husband of the first coworker didn't like them having lunch. He had done things with both of them and their kids, so he thought the lunches were ok/they were just friends. It was when he stopped the lunches that she told him her husband didn't like it. My take on it, and I told him, was that it didn't "look" good to always be leaving the office with her week after week when she is married...how did that look? he says I shouldn't worry about what others think. But he did stop the lunches when he realized how much I was bothered by them and when the woman wouldn't try to be friends with both of us (she said she couldn't go to lunch with both of us as she doesn't like me and only wanted to be his friend. Which of course makes me wonder more about HER intentions)

**btifulfrefly08** · 09-19-2010 11:11 PM

I'm sort of in your same situation. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and we've been living together for over year. He has had this best friend who is a girl for about 8 years. She is really cute and shares way more personality traits with him than I do. They have all the same classes and they're alone every day except for the weekend. She's is married with 2 children. I didn't really get jealous at first until I found out that they had had sex like 4 years ago. I started to get really jealous over her just because he talks about her like she's saint. He never says anything bad about her but he makes sure to pick out all my flaws. He told me that there is nothing to worry about that he only wants me, but I can't trust that only because she has way more in common with him than I do. I hate being jealous over her, but I just live with it.

**rcoreyus** · 09-19-2010 11:12 PM

It is difficult to tell. I often have lunch with women at work with absolutely nothing inappropriate going on. On the other hand as posters have said, some men will use this to hook up.

If you think these meetings might not be innocent, why do you think he might be doing that?

**Deenie88** · 09-26-2010 06:57 PM

These meetings are probably innocent. Not sure the lunches were, although I'm more suspicious of her intentions than his. Just seems like he takes more interest in other women than he needs to. Also, get the feelings he is checking out the other women at the office so he'll know who's out there in case things don't work out with me. Is that something guys do? Is it too much to expect him NOT to do that? He seems sort of secretive about stuff. He texts alot and I can't help but think he is texting other women, like the lunch partner. As I said before, I'm still trying to gauge if I have a REASON to be jealous.