Threatening violence against his mother. This can't be healthy.
For the past four or five months since my partner has moved to his parent's home prior to supposedly going to law school, he has gotten into spats with his mother. I'm not invaliding his feelings; I understand his level of frustration. What I don't understand is listening to comments like, 'I feel violent. I just want to smash her face in.' I'm 26 years old. He's a little bit older. I have never once said I wanted to physically hurt any of my family before.
As I stated previously, I understand why he is frustrated. She tends to be a bit overbearing, extremely critical and she gives off the impression that she doesn't trust her only son to make adult decisions on his own. Now, I understand that has a human being we all have flaws. I understand that she thinks she is doing this out of love (no matter how misguided her efforts are) and that this doesn't make her 'evil' or 'out to get him' (which is another phrase he uses often that disturbs me).
For instance, when I came to visit him at his parent's house they were gracious enough to ask if we would like to go out on the lake in their boat with them. My boyfriend told me explicitly that he did not want to go. I was extremely tired and explained that I would be glad to go tomorrow or another time but I would just like to relax for a bit. She asked at least ten more times, stating that she just 'wanted us to have fun'. She seemed upset when we didn't want to go with her. I think she really does just want us to have her version of fun and that she wants me to have a good time while I'm there. I honestly get this feeling from her that she's terrified that she's not being a good host. And while I do appreciate her concern and I understand that there is no malicious intent involved on her part, I can understand how someone would be frustrated with this behavior.
However, threatening violence against her makes me afraid. Not only is it incredibly immature, it's frightening to think that someone could hate their mother that much. I'm beginning to think he doesn't even really see her as a person. Just an omniscient being out to destroy whatever happiness he has. He doesn't see her as a realistic person with flaws just as he has flaws and I have flaws.
I was wondering if this is unusual to anyone else or if I should just chalk it up to anger issues and not put so much emphasis on it.
Thank you.
Disliking someone, even your own mother can be reasonable depending on how that person behaves. Actually wanting to do them physical violence is a bit worrisome. Of course it might just be an expressing he is using to express his anger. Has he ever done something violent in anger?
Sounds like he needs anger management and some therapy. No person should feel that violent towards anyone. Especially if they are conscience about it and think about it, not just a spur of the moment bar fight type of situation. He needs to seek help, whether it be therapy, anger management classes, or possibly antidepressants to better handle difficult situations and interactions.
I've always been taught that if you want to know how a man see's women, treats women, thinks about women... look at his relationship with his mother. If he hates his mother, chances are he hates women. If he doesn't respect his mother, chances are he doesn't respect women and that could have an impact with how he handles relationships with women.
Unless his mom is a total dirt bag (which it doesn't sound like she is) him hating her, threatning violence toward her etc... is a huge red flag.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
He has never physically hurt me. However if we are in the car and he's driving, when he gets mad at her or anyone on the road or if we are having a disagreement, he will drive recklessly. He will speed and cut off people. He will 'brake check' people. Not too long ago a kid in a Volvo sped past him (doing at least 100 mph). He drove at 110 mph to catch up, rolled down my window and started telling him to pull over because he wanted to kick his . Meanwhile, I was crying hysterically and begging him to stop.
No, she's not a dirtbag. But from what I understand, there may have been violence in his childhood between his parents. He told me one time that she would hit his father. I have never witnessed this (though I have witnessed very disturbing fights, unfortunately) and I believe him when he said that happened. However, this does not excuse in my opinion stating aloud that you want to seriously injure your mother or anyone else.
It's never his fault, either. Despite the fact that he antagonizes the situation by speaking to her in an extremely condescending manner, he often fails to see that if he had just calmly and rationally explained his feelings to her, she probably would not yell at him or degrade him (this is not excusing her behavior at all but I don't see the point in exacerbating a bad situation with a sorry attitutde). I think you may be right. He has stated before that he thinks terrible things sometimes about women (although this too is not his fault, he insists. It's his exs/sister/mother/aunt/female alter egos fault). I feel so incredibly sick right now. Honestly, I just want to have a really good cry about it and end the relationship but I don't know if I'm ready. I read recently that there are no victims just volunteers and it's very true.
I have suggested this route. How do you determine what your boundaries are, I wonder? For instance, suggesting therapy and finding solutions to his problems....am I enabling him to keep acting immature like a child? How do I determine when to stop offering advice?
I agree with you. I believe he needs therapy. I have even suggested to go to therapy with him if it would help.
North:
Just how committed are you to this relationship? I ask only because, as others have said, there are huge red flags here. Violence in his childhood, extremely dangerous road rage, low opinion of women, telling you he would like to smash his mother's face in (!) . Sounds as if any woman around this guy will eventually be a target. And I'd guess his response to the suggestion of therapy was a quick 'no'.
Soooo,,, are you sure you want to continue with him?
You are staying in this....why?
The man breaks the law, endangers you, terrifies you into tears, so he can, at high speeds on the highway, engage in yelling at someone and threaten them?
He lives with his parents but is so ungrateful and ungracious as to be condesending to and to express a desire to commit violence toward his mother?
Everything is someone else's fault.
Don't walk, RUN from this and don't look back.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
I think you're right for being concerned. His behavior is a huge sign of things to come. All of us at some point have felt our parents were being overbearing, irrational, too nosey, too pushy, etc. But the thought of them being physically harmed by ANYONE, much less oneself is not part of the process. Then what is the line between love and hate? If he hates her so bad, he sure shouldn't be living with her. Isn't that just using his parents for his own benefit? Isn't that saying, "I'm your child, you have to take care of me", but then saying "don't be involved in my life". She may be overbearing, MANY mothers are like that with their sons especially. But his attitude toward her is a problem.
When he no longer has her to hate, to take out his anger on......who will get it? Think about that. He clearly, without any doubt whatsoever, has some serious anger issues. And truly, if I were you, I'd find a way out and never look back.
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