Thread: new partner wants me to avoid having contact with ex

Well, you say that Sibille is 17 now, and was just 4 when you first met her mother. So therefore, you've been the father figure in her life for 13 years.
Obviously you would mean a lot to her as well as she means a lot to you.
I suggest you talk to your partner and tell her about how important you feel Sibille is to you.
And that even now, you are a very good friend as well as having being the major father figure in her life and you simply care a lot for her and don't want to let her down.
I'm sure when you and her mother split you didn't want to loose contact with her, because she would have grown on you just as if she was your daughter.
talk to your partner and try to get her to understand that you consider Sibille to be very important to you and just simply cannot shut her out of your life.

Your present partner is not being fair to Sib. I'd say you should be present in your daughter's life. As AAunt said, you are her father-figure. That's very important to a child, and something you should feel honored to have.
Bottom line, your responsibility to the child should outweigh your gf's objections. Cowboy up and do the right thing.
Pat

Seems you have quite a green eyed monster on your hands. New girlfriend is not quite sure you're over your feelings for ex girlfriend. Something in her is making her feel like the sparks between you two (you and your ex) just may not be fully gone. Therefore, it's hard for her to sit back and be okay with your contact with her. IF (and it's a big if, truly ask yourself this and be very honest with yourself) you truly do not have sexual/romantic/love feelings for your ex, then just try to reassure your current gf of this but firmly let her know that you love Sibille and do not intend to ever exclude her from your life. Then, mince no words with her, most people don't want to be in relationships where they are controlled by a partners jealousy. That if there is no trust, there is no relationship.

In my eyes, where your current gf is concerned, it's sort of a take it or leave it situation. She can either accept this or move on, because I can't imagine you'd exclude Sibille from your life. New girlfriend is brewing up a recipe of future resentment, fighting, and much jealousy. Better put a stop to it now.

I was in a similar situation when I was younger but I was the child. I'd been around my step dad from the age of 4 until about 14 then suddenly he started dating again, then got remarried when I was around 17 and I pretty much fell out of his life. It was really hard for me because he had taken that role but I always got the impression that his new wife didnt' like the idea that he had a family prior to her.

Sibille looks to you as her father figure. Your new squeeze is going to have to be a woman and deal with it. You have formed a bond and you don't want to walk out on that. If the new gal can't deal with that, then maybe that's a sign of other things you might want to consider in your relationship.

Good luck to you!

i think you should continue to talk to sibille but on her cell phone line.. i always look at the situation like how would you feel if she was talking to an ex that had a kid that she had become attached to... if you honestly wouldnt care if she talked to an ex then stand your ground but if you would be upset then i would continue the relationship with the daughter but i would start to distant myself from the mother it is nothing she did just that your current girlfriend isnt 100 percent comfortable with it

Normally, I feel that if a friendship with an ex bothers the current partner, the friendship should be ended. That's out of respect for the current partner's feeling. The ex may miss the contact but will be able to move on soon enough.

This is totally different. You have essential bonded with your ex's child and she with you. When a person comes into a relationship with an ex with children, then it's a package deal essentially. The current partner must accept that they are entering a relationship with some with a ex an child. Maintaining a relationship with one;s children even if not biologically yours, is an trait shows that you are a person capable of love and commitment. How is that a negative.

In this case, her jealousy is unwarranted and is disrespectful of your good character. You did not hide the fact that you had an ex and had a close bond her child but she entered the relationship anyway, an a priori acceptance of you and your bond.

She was not obligated to enter the relationship, and she has no right to make unreasonable demands now that she is in it. In a way, I think that by rejecting your relationship with this child, she is rejecting a part of you. I wonder if a relationship can survive that. If you give up child for this woman will you be able to love her fully knowing that her jealousy led to emotional pain or u? What do you think?

Can you put it to her the way this way? Can you get her to visit you and meet your ex and the child. That would show an openness that may reassure her.

It;s diff to see this working for a number of reasons, there is the long distance factor, you doing most of the work keeping up the visits and having to deal with unreasonable emotions. Maybe if you insist that she come to visit you before you plan another visit to her will end things naturally. If she does not come she is obviously not that in to you. In that case u can move on.

If you think her jealousy will adversely affect the relationship maybe she should know that she has a choice of accepting you and your relationship with the child and by extension your ex, or hit the byway.

I'm going to have to play devils advocate on this one and say that your ties to your ex seem very strong. If I were your girlfriend I would feel that you were not ready to be in a relationship as you are already in one that you haven't let go of. If you are truly only wanting to be a stable person in the daughters life, why not occasionally take HER to lunch, or have her call you whenever she needs an ear... but still meeting up with the mother for holidays and every couple months sounds like you guys are pretty attached... understandably you don't want to lose that attachment... but you have to understand some women... myself being one of them, would feel like you aren't ready to move on and therefore would not be able to consider a serious relationship with you while you are still seemingly living too much in your past.

Hi

I tried to talk to her several times and mentioned that the daugther means a lot to me. She fully understands that. She says it's not about the daughter, it's about the mother which she is so much concerned. I tried everything so far to take away her fear of my former partner. She feels I'm emotionally connected to my former partner and that it's bothering her so much. She really gets mad and angry whenever we come upon that topic. And meanwhile I ran out of ideas how to solve that issue. I can't completely blank out my former partner out of my life as my new partner demands, just because the relationship didn't work out the way it supposed to.
Thank you so much for your help and hints, and on how you look at this issue. I really appreciate it.