My ESL student?? Are we in an emotional affair?

**Branwen** · 09-27-2010 08:29 PM

We met (as student and teacher at his workplace) on mid july after his birthday this year and since then he has been flirting with me, adoring me, being such a nice gentleman, helping me put my coat on, serving me coffee, saying I am amazing and very kind and perhaps great as a woman, then he has given me big kisses at the brink of the elevator, he has compared with with other local women (Argentine) saying that I am different than all of them. He is about 57 (three children about 20 and 30 something, one is a doctor like him) and I am 41. He is cancer and I am scorpio. He is such a nice man! He can certainly seduce me.

He even wants to read Shakespeare's A midsummer night's dream and then he asked me about Romeo and Juliet for his English level...why is he choosing this love stories? well, the first one I chose it on purpose but he had mentioned it on his list of Shakespeare's readers, in fact he has not been able to finish or make any progress and he nods at me (almost as a child) when I ask him if he read it.

I came back from a vacation and brought him some chocolates and he said to me "see why you are so adorable?! and gave me a big kiss again. Recently he emailed to me in answer to some of my questions, why does he think I am so adorable because this has not happened with any other students this way ...and that his big kisses and compliments make me feel absent minded all day...then he replied to me that it was obvious that we have so many things in common and that now he is separating from his wife after a 23 year marriage and that what I told him helps him move forward. Last week he was really heart broken and told me that he is getting his divorce.

Then I asked him if he is living separately from his wife and he said yes, I am living by my own now. Well, I shared some of my personal experiences with him about my divorce too. I even wanted to stop the classes and he asked me to get back because he does not want any other teacher than me and now he even wants one hour extra of classes. Well, I invited him once for coffee (before he told me about his separation) to chat in English and practice because I noticed that we liked talking about many things and he said that it was a good idea but that we would see later. So far nothing has been proposed after the class hours. He 's just wanted to change his class time from mornings to early evenings 5 to 7pm or so (inside his company) but I said I couldn't since I am teaching to other students and then offered him classes early afternoon and after 7:30pm but nothing has been changed yet. Our next class will be on the 6th in the morning.

Well, I have been thinking a lot about him and his divorce. I even had some fantasies and felt nervous (with butterflies on my stomach the night before his classes) he even said something like that to me too: he said one day that the night before he had woken up for no reason and felt really hot (in terms of warm temperature). I recently sent him an email with some phrases for self reflexion and empowerement (nothing about love though) and he hasn't replied.

Two classes ago (when he was feeling really bad emotionally) he said that he felt "burned out" and needed time. I don't even remember if he also said or if I am imagining him saying that he did not know what he wanted. May be he said that. I just listened and did not say much. I feel as if whatever he says I am with him. I am confusing things now. I do not know if he is talking about all this as if we are in a relationship or as if he is just telling somebody else things about his private life. He said to me that not many people know about this separation and divorce.

I don't know what is going on in here really. Is this an emotional affair? Is this just a problematic student who is mixing up his personal life in class? Am I involved in something? All I know is that I have been thinking about him a lot, always. When I wanted to stop teaching to him because of something he said which kind of offended me he said that he was trying to help me (about considering other job markets within ESL) so he cared but at the same time I felt as if he was pushing me out of teaching, well I reacted and wanted to stop teaching to him and asked him if there was any problem with my classes (after all his admiration towards me and my classes...) and he said to me that he was just helping me out and talking without trying to make me feel bad, so then he asked me to continue being his teacher and then I realized that I made a mistake and so felt sick all day I threw up by the end of the day...and told him that I had felt sick all day almost to the point of fainting..and that I could resume the next week instead, and he said to me by email: ok teacher, I know how you feel I am a doctor and I have always told you that you to feel quiet and flexible with me in terms of schedule.

What should I do now? wait and see what happens next? continue as if nothing happens? ask him more direct things when the moment comes?

I really appreciate your opinion and help!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-27-2010 08:46 PM

Sounds like a love affair of the past, Shakespear, that meaning, the intertwine of past history of love, caught up in this relationship of thoughts.

I think, that him kissing you is in-appropriate, that he is sending you mixed signals, as he is then calling you "teacher" or "only trying to help" or, "to feel quiet and fleximble with me in terms of schedule"...

I think that you should keep it teacher/student from here, as firstly, his signals are not clear, yet alluring and seducing, but without committing, possibly because he is getting a Divorce, and is separated and is not ready at all to move on, or, possibly he is really still married and is only claiming this, and seducing you which is working.

If he is real. If anything is to come of this. It will in time, don't force it or push it, but, please be sure that you can prove he does in-deed, live alone, that he truly is separated, not by asking the question as you have done that, but by being safe, cautious, and knowledgeable ....

Remember, they can lure us.. And, later we can find out it was fantasy for them and our hearts get broken..

CW

**Branwen** · 09-27-2010 09:25 PM

Many thanks Chandler!!

It's really romantic to read Shakespeare's love stories with him...the only problem is that I fantasized with him while reading them and he has not demonstrated that he read not even two acts. Just one and then stopped...he has not even finished reading A Midsummer Night's dream that he asked me two classes ago if Romeo and Juliet is available for his level too.

About the kisses: here in Buenos Aires we kiss on our cheeks when greeting each other but the kind of kisses he has given me are big and really on purpose with a seductive and straight look in his eyes...yes, he has been flirting with me in many ways, I know, and adoring me and clearly saying or calling me "his teacher" he has not invited me out not even for coffee not even a straight talk about what is going on with me. So, I don't know what to think. I think I caught him in the middle of his separation/divorce and even though he likes me and well...to make matters worse I like him too, he is not ready to move forward or do anything else. I wish he could but he can't for this apparent reason. I need to clarify things.

Last class he said that despite the fact that he is sad due to his ex wife's problem (and it 's the first time he talks about his wife as ex wife) he feels happy and that my classes or I make him laugh. (another compliment). Then he focused on the color of my blouse and pointed out the fact that I was reading purple and then associated this color with esoterism and the fact that the Pope wears this color...well I don't know the story about this and why he brings out this..

Time will only tell I guess.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-27-2010 10:25 PM

Your a beautiful romantic person

I think that he has charisma yes? And, therefore the seduction comes out.

Maybe the best way to establish things is what he does next, yes, give it time... If for instance, at some point down the track he asks you out? His intentions are good.. There is nothing wrong with slow process, if you like this man.

If he doesn't ask you out but tries to seduce you, that being more kissing and then trying to lead that into sexual there and then, so to speak, perhaps there you need to be careful, hold off and establish if he really is Divorcing...

I just don't want you to get hurt

We really don't know people after all, until we get to know more about them...

But it could blossom to something nice, his head wouldn't be in the right place at the moment and it's good that you make him laugh, that means that there is compatibility including the sharing of reading together.

CW

**Maximus** · 09-27-2010 10:37 PM

I agree with CW, and add a couple of things.

First you need to establish how serious he is, and what his intentions are,ie. game/sex/ONS or something that can sustain the test of time. Asking the question straight may not be the best way to get the best answer, but I would not rule this out.

Second, what is built fast is destroyed equally fast...

**Branwen** · 09-28-2010 10:43 AM

Yes, he is very charismatic. He is a director of the one of the company departments where I teach. He has two university degrees, lots of experience, he is an athlete too. I feel so bad, I feel he's been playing with me and using me, just because he needed support. I am discussing this with my counselor too. I feel so shitted upon. I don't know what to do. First he put me on a pedestal for months as his amazing teacher and perhaps woman and now I am just his teacher after having suggested or inquired about other job options for me. Now I have to deal with his divorce and sadness. I feel so bad. I wanted to stop teaching him but he does not want to he wants me as his teacher and now he wants to increase the classes for one more hour. I let him a full set of classroom cd's for our classes because he could not find them they are out of the market for now until the end of the year. I fear he will lose them and then I will explode. I really don't know how to handle this teacher student relationship anylonger. This is not serious dating. I can't get any man to seriously date me here in Buenos Aires, they are all , they just want a cup of coffee and sex--the cheapest things possible. Well, my student's ex wife must he working with an attorning and asking for the whole house!! and money!! ...he told me last class for some reason "money does not mean anything to me"... But thanks for your support girls!!

**Branwen** · 10-08-2010 02:10 PM

Well...2 or 3 classes went by already (3 weeks now). He is telling more more and more things about his private life now...He 's just got definitely separated from his wife (after 23 years). He said " I feel as if i got rid of an old backpack", "I feel myself as I used to be now" then, whenever he can he tries to impress me by saying things such as "I'm not like the rest of the men...because they are...blah blah blah" now I't the second class he insists that I look different very different and I told him last week "what about it? it must be the spring" and he did not say anything...today he's just mentioned the same thing! with a big smile on his face!! he makes me laugh really ! I insisted, I don't know...it must be my looks,...well so I don't know what 's going on now...perhaps he is starting to see me differently now that he lives by himself. Am I in some kind of relationship with him? why is he telling me all of this? and so I get tempted and continue asking him things such as "do you like cooking? what do you eat?" he says...well, very basic stuff, simple light meals...you know, because he runs every day...so. well, now he wants to or is trying to find another time preferably early evenings for the classes because he says he gets distracted from work if he takes his classes early mornings...so really, I honestly feel much happier for him, and I told him that if the separation is for good, then, it's ok, to have his space, time, mental health back...well, he also showed me a text message from his sister trying to find out this morning how he is doing after moving alone...so hey!! what is this? a more personal relationship? He told me that the trigger for the definite separation was a trip with his ex wife some time on mid july coincidentally when I started teaching him...and believe me since the first day I started, I remember how I impressed him...he wanted to know more and more about me and started to idealize me...and I did not know what was going on in his life until recently...so I feel as If i 've been part of all this. All I wonder is if he will ever ask me out or something. What do you think?? hugs,

**Branwen** · 10-17-2010 12:05 AM

well, I've just decided to stop teaching to him. Our roles have changed, now he does not seem so friendly, I did not like a couple of comments about my private life...he thinks I misunderstand him, and he does not wish to continue talking about his private life either, it's a mess now...we are neither friends, nor a healthy or positive student-teacher. I just feel bad when I see him. I still don't know what his reaction will be on Monday when he reads my email...I feel sad though, I worked so hard to be a good teacher for him and also help him through his personal issues.

**Branwen** · 12-15-2010 10:17 PM

I learned my lesson: Never flirt or mess around with students...it's a bad combination. Never mix up work and personal issues. This guy dissappeared, never called back, looked for another teacher (with whom I've just found out had two quarrels already), and that's it, he almost jeopardized my reputation in that company. One good thing: he offered on a last phonecall to talk to my coordinators if things get worse and they took me out the other courses. So far since October: there hasn't been any need to. Thank God.