he didn't tell me about his ex-girlfriend

**Deenie88** · 10-03-2010 05:22 PM

OK, this was originally posted in my reply to "Snooped. Now what?" and I'm not sure about the rules for posting but this seems like a separate (though related) issue. I found out by looking in some papers in my bf's house that he had a girlfriend less than a year before we met, yet, when I asked him about his previous relationships he said he hadn't been with anyone in the last 5 years. Just a few dates. Maybe he's ashamed because of the way it ended (she dumped him after getting as much from him as she could) or due to the age difference (20 years younger than him!). But now I wonder if I can trust him or what else he might be hiding. Do I have a right to know about all his previous relationships?

**stressed** · 10-03-2010 06:49 PM

Yes, you do have the right to know what kind of person you are with. Had he told you that he didn't want to talk about his past relationships is one thing, but he lied to you about it, making you believe something that was not true.

You should tell him about what you found without confronting him, as you need to hear his side of the story before you reach a conclusion.

I understand that snooping is generally wrong, but being lied to is even worse in my opinion.

**jns** · 10-03-2010 08:24 PM

Maybe he has reevaluated that relationship and now considers it a money for sex type of relationship and not a love based relationship. Is she the "friend" part of girlfriend if it always at a cost or a high cost? He may be ashamed of being so gullible. How long were they together? What were the other particulars of their relationship.

**Deenie88** · 10-03-2010 08:44 PM

Well if he is ashamed, I feel bad for him, but can I really just let it go? it's eating me up to wonder how he could have this in his past and not tell me. I don't know particulars since I got only what was in a few letters and some receipts. It was a long-distance relationship based on the addresses she gave; they didn't meet up at either of their home cities. However, it looks like they could have been meeting for a few months. From a letter he saved a copy of, he felt/had been duped by her. He would have trouble explaining the relationship to me, but couldn't he admit he had one and just say he didn't want to discuss because it was too painful? I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach as things were going SO well between us. Then this...

**Kallygirlie** · 10-03-2010 09:20 PM

I honestly feel like you really dont have a right to know about EVERY past relationship. Do you know if it was a major relationship. You said he told you he had a few dates here and there. Maybe thats how he classified her. If he lied to you and it effected your relationship than yes you should know. For example, was he going behind your back to see her or is he stil lin contact with her? If it was just someone he once dated and he didn't tell you about her, why should this matter? Why should this effect your trust in him? He's with you now right? What ever the reason is he didn't tell you about her is for him to know. We all have a past. Maybe its just a painful time he'd just rather forget about. If you feel you truely need to talk to him, then thats what you should do but dont get mad at him for not telling you until you know why he kept it from you.

**Agony_Aunt** · 10-03-2010 11:13 PM

I think maybe he might have really loved this girl, and she really hurt him. and it may be a pride thing with men. he may not want to admit that he was taken for a fool by a girl 20 years younger and got hurt by it, and as Kallygirlie said, it may be something he really wants to just forget about.

Maybe you could tell him, you just happen to come across the papers, not that you were snooping. Tell him you want your relationship to be an open and honest relationship and you want to know why he didn't tell you about this girl.

**sourpuss** · 10-04-2010 08:08 AM

Erg! I had a huge reply typed out and the internet went down. (dang crummy roach hotel)

Basically I said that the past is the past and no one's business. If he was comfortable talking about it, he would have told you. He's with you now, doesn't matter who he was with well over a year before you met. It's not worth bringing up.

**WildChild** · 10-04-2010 08:19 AM

As you get older the idea that you have a 'right' to know about every past relationship, becomes ridiculous. I doubt I could remember half of them's names, let alone any real details. What you should know is; are you clean (STIs, drugs, alcohol)? Do you have any children? Are you emotionally, legally, and financially unemcumbered? Have you ever abused a partner? Present and past legal issues?

The rest is their business.

**Deenie88** · 10-04-2010 04:14 PM

I am hearing that I don't need to know about all his past relationships...actually makes me feel better. Maybe he IS embarrassed about how it turned out. But then WildChild brings up a good point...I thought he had only been with 4 women with the last being 5 years ago and so was comfortable with his statement of no STD's. Now I find out he was with someone else much more recently and hasn't been tested since well over 5 years ago when he was with the last gf he admits to. Unless there is a possibility that he didn't have sex with this woman although that seems totally inconceivable, right?!!

**Allie602** · 10-04-2010 04:38 PM

It is absolutely not true that you don't need to know. You do need to know. If this were a one night stand that he failed to mention it, that would be different but this has had a major impact on him and reveals the kind of person he is and his motivations. He is hiding a major part of himself from you and not just by omission but by deception. He is presenting a false self to you you don't know him and can not know him if he conceals important things about his life.

You are trying to get to know him and his behavior in different circumstances helps you to do that. What are his motivations and values. Has he really healed yet? Is he really ready and able to commit to a new relationship? You need to know because it lets your know about the person he is and if you are able to love him. The fact that he lied about it is a serious issue, what else is he concealing from you. Is he financially stable, he may be hiding debt?