it's childish... but this still bothers me.

**lonestar** · 10-08-2010 01:07 PM

I have been with my boyo for almost 2 years now- we live together and are completely smitten with each other. There is something that probably shouldn't bother me... but it does. A lot.

His best friend is a girl. Granted they don't live in the same city or anything, but I still see posts on her wall and stuff from him "I miss you! it's been too long...", little inside jokes, he tells me he misses her. The first time he ever took me "home", I met her. She could not keep her hands off of him. They were hugging and were standing in the food line with their arms around each other. At this point, we had only been dating 3 months, but I was still like WTFFFFFFF!!!?! If I hadn't been in a foreign town, I would have left. What's more, on the way back from the restaurant they were tripping each other and playing around. Made me sick. He ignored me the whole time. I have not been able to get over this and I think it is a big reason why I still have a problem with this broad. I have confronted him about it and he said that he is not attracted to her, but they kissed in a bar once. That's fine, I believe him. But I know she is absolutely in love with him. I have tried telling myself that if he wanted to be with her, he would have, and that I'm the one living with him, sleeping with him... but this rarely helps. He said he will never not have her in his life- he went as far as saying he would want her to be our officient if we got married!!!! I am already going to have issues enough with her being in attendance... thoughts?

**oneyearsolid** · 10-08-2010 01:41 PM

I do believe it is hard to be in a relationship with someone and their bf is the opposite sex. Do you have any really close guy friends? how do you think he would react if you acted the same way he had with his friend right infront of you and every one else. She obvioulsy does have a huge think for him. But yes the if we get married he wants her to marry you... she might not like that so much... I have been with my boyfriend for more than nine years and I had a lot of guy friends well almost all my friends were guys but being with some one you love you have to put yourself in there place. IT WOULD KILL ME IF HE WAS GETTING THE FEMALE ATTENTION FROM ANOTHER WOMEN. Even if it means just hanging out they are getting something from some one else ie another women that you feel he should want from you! its helthy to have friends but he needs to listen to how you feel about it! but also knowing why they are so close and its so impotant for him to stay so close to her. but he needs to understand it is something that bugs you when all over face book he says he miss her, there is nothing you can do about her saying how much she misses him. You should be proud you have a desired man!! do you love him?!

**lonestar** · 10-08-2010 02:43 PM

I adore him. I hope to spend the rest of my life with him. But he gets pretty defensive whenever I bring this topic up. He says that he's never had a GF that hasn't had a problem with her and that she (the friend) told him to tell her about the one girl who doesn't have a problem with her. She says this because she knows that's not possible. She's letting him think that it is and therefore making his GF that has a problem with it look bad. I haven't had to bring it up for a while, but I just saw that "miss you" comment the other day and haven't said anything about it. I said my mantra to myself (I live with him, sleep with him... blah blah) and it makes me feel a little better... but I don't dig having to see it. She sometimes posts quotes on his wall about missing him... It makes me BOIL.
I have a theory- I do mostly have guy friends, only recently did I start having more girl friends. And yes, I would say that one of my best and closest friends was a guy. He actually helped me through a rough time between my BF and I. I think we developed some feelings for each other and I think I relate that to my BF and this girl. Cause... she is me. Granted I never displayed any sort of these emotions in public or at all; I have more respect for my BF than that. My guy friend and I never even spoke about it- it's just one of those things you know about.
I tried being the bigger person and being "friends" with her, or at least cordial. She ignores me. That same night at the restaurant, I might as well not have been there (even when I said something, she would stare at me while I talked and then continue on like I hadn't said anything...). My BF said I didn't try hard enough, but f that. It helps that she lives in another state now...but FB is a killer sometimes. This all being said... if it happens again, I have some say now that we've been together for a while. This time, I will take her outside.

**KMonte85** · 10-08-2010 02:55 PM

I think you have a right to be uncomfortable by their relationship.

Being friends with the opposite sex is fine, even best friends - no problem with that. The problem comes in with their intimate behavior (at least that would be my problem with the situation). I have really great guy-friends, a few I would consider some of my oldest and best friends... but I would never, EVER be hugging and holding them (unless you count the drunk arm-over-the-shoulder singing Merle Haggard scenario)... and I'm sure as heck not sending "miss you" messages to them on facebook, or ignoring my boyfriend when we're all hanging out. That is just disrespectful to my boyfriend and my friends' girlfriends/wives. Likewise with my boyfriend - he's got female friends, but there is a line drawn in how "friendly" he gets.

If you guy has admitted that every past girlfriend he's had has a problem with his friendship with that woman, then that should clue him in that he is acting inappropriately with her. And really, it is up to him to tone down their relationship... she has no loyalty to you, she doesn't really care that you're around as you've mentioned. HE needs to respect you and what you two have together, and tell her that they need to tone down the mushy huggies and sweet comments on FB. Not that they can't be friends, but it sure does need to be scaled back into the "friend-zone" because right now it's a bit too flirty to be comfortable for any girlfriend!

**lonestar** · 10-08-2010 03:09 PM

Do ya'll think I should tell him about the recent "miss you" comment? I just don't want to fight about it... and I have a feeling we would. I'm not as concerned with their in public behavior anymore- but you better be sure I would say something about it now if I saw it happen. Noooo ma'am....

**Deenie88** · 10-08-2010 09:27 PM

This is very familiar to me. My bf had a girl "friend" at work. I posted about it. They had lunch EVERY week for the last several years and also met for dinner. Did stuff socially outside work (supposedly with her hubbie/kids) but sometimes dinner just the 2. This continued after we met. At first I didn't care. Then gradually it started to eat me up. I had a major melt-down one night and so I think it finally hit him. If he wanted to keep me, he would have to change. He took us both to lunch and lo and behold she decided she didn't like me so he had to make a choice. Fortunately he chose me. Still this had now caused me to feel jealous of lots of women (as I have posted). I do think that I should be the center of his universe. I would have to say that you MUSt tell him that it bothers you. Try to put it into perspective. What I said was that even if nothing was happening it "appeared" as though something was going on when they would leave for lunch together regularly and you know, office gossip....made me feel cheap and cheated on. That seemed to work when he realized he might lose me over it. Before that he had tried to pass it off as me being unreasonably jealous. No, I don't THINK so! If he wants to be with me, then I think he needs to treat anyone else as a friend only He wasn't having regular out-of-the office lunches/dinners with any of his guy friends. If your guy and her are just friends then she needs to curb her touchy-feely stuff...that is just not right! How offensive to you! It just belittles you and makes you seem passive if you don't insist on better treatment. I know the whole idea of wanting to be "cool", up-to-date, liberal and not be bothered by it. But that sounds like WAY over the top behavior. Sorry but this really hit a nerve with me!

**Lunar Keiki** · 10-09-2010 12:00 AM

I think the part that really bothers me is the looking at you when you talk then continuing on as if you said nothing. If she were really just friends with him, why would she not treat you cordially? I mean, if she were a best buddy of his, wouldn't that guy treat you nicely? The way she treats you is as if you are competition. And I think your BF loves the subtle fighting over him.

I personally think the whole thing is wrong. And I don't care if he isn't sleeping with her. There is an emotional relationship going on that you are not a part of. There are inside jokes, and teasing and touching that is wrong when he is supposed to be in a committed relationship with you.

**Haven** · 10-09-2010 10:15 PM

Originally Posted by lonestar

He says that he's never had a GF that hasn't had a problem with her

It sounds like he's not aware of his part in this. It takes two people to hug and flirt like they were doing. If someone saw the three of you together, who would they think his girlfriend was? What she's doing isn't appropriate, but the bigger issue here is that he's reciprocating it instead of doing the right thing and telling her to keep her hands to herself.

If you talk to her, keep in mind that his previous girlfriends have probably talked to her at some point too. She's not going to stop unless she sees that it's not working... which means you've gotta convince your boyfriend to give her the cold shoulder whenever she gets touchy-feely. You can probably find a more subtle way to put this, but it's time for him to stop being such an attention and man up to the reality of being in a committed relationship.

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-09-2010 11:15 PM

To me that is WAY too much intimacy for a friendship, you aren't being immature for it leaving a bad taste in your mouth. Especially if you are just as playful with him. Me and my boyfriend goof around all the time, we hold each other in lines and tickle each other and have a million and one inside jokes and its all apart of what makes our relationship so special. Him having all of that with someone else wouln't be cool with me at all.

You are right though that if he wanted to be with her, he would have done that so obviously he doesn't see her that way, but if she is carrying on like that perhaps its her that see's HIM that way and if thats the case, its really futile. She can trip him, and hug him til the cows come home and if there is no spark for him, there is no spark for him.

I'd just let it ride unless he says innapropriate things to her, or she him, if you go to visit her don't be shy to be as physically comfortable with YOUR man as she is. Or talk to your boyfriend about physical bounderies and if he would be okay with you taking him out to dinner with an old friend that you play footsie with and hold his body in line for your food while he stands out in the cold... maybe he just needs some perspective to see how akward it is for you?

**DrearyDrear** · 11-26-2010 03:36 PM

I'd talk to him about what you feel is OK and what is not. It could be she is very outgoing and the touchyness is completely without thought, unless she does not touch or chatter with other people the same way as well. I could also see it as a way to push buttons to see if his date (eg, you) will react. Talking would be nicest, I don't think an ultimatum "her or me" is going to bring out an honest compromise.

My best friend is male, I did date him for several years a long time ago, but we did not work out. Occasionally I get a hug from him, but mostly (having grown up right next door to each other) we do have a lot of odd jokes, irritating one another, and historical conversation. We do worry about each other, and some days we worry about other friends together. His lady-friend (not dating, far as I know, but pretty close to it), does not seem to mind me, though she lives far away and I have yet to meet her. For the sake of my boyfriend and the fact I do not wish to start anything up again with the best friend, I do not hang on the latter or flirt with him. It's not a part of our relationship, nor does it need to be.

The "miss you" I would not worry about unless it gets excessive.
I miss my best friend some days. And I miss my sister, cousins, and other friends some days too. But then I don't post it either.