should he know or shouldnt he know?

**ilovecupcakes** · 10-12-2010 08:36 AM

Okay so i have been in this relationship with the man im probably going to marry for about 2 years.

In the beginning he wanted to know everything about me, and there is alot about me.

I use to be one of those drunk party girls, and i ended up sleeping with alot of people.

Also, i was raped twice.

I lied about how many people ive been with, but i told him they didnt mean anything and most of them were one night stands because i was so drunk i didnt know.
Plus after being raped I didnt care about myself what so ever or what happened to me

Well I havent drank in over 2 years and im a totally different person now.

I feel like everythin that happened to me was a bad dream? And ive talked to people about it before and they were like oh you were young because i was 17-18

now im 21 i didnt even drink on my 21st.

what i want to know is, are you sopose to tell in detail ever person you have been with?
Even if you are healthy and just had major issues before?

I dont want him to know about all of the poeple i have been with. Because he judges me very badly. and if i tell him now he will be so mad that i lied to him he hates LIARS.
HELP!!!!!!!!!

**lonestar** · 10-12-2010 08:51 AM

If he judges you, then he doesn't really love you. He should be able to swallow what happened to you in the past and stop being self-righteous. Yeah right he didn't do any heavy partying in his college days... and yeah right if he doesn't have anything he regrets in his past. As far as the lying thing, he should be able to understand why you would lie about such a thing. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I just told him the other day about when I was sexually molested. He just responded with, "wow. I didn't know that." Does he make you feel comfortable sexually? And as long as you're not doing those things now when you're together, I don't see what the problem is. Have you been tested? That might be the only concerning thing...

**sourpuss** · 10-12-2010 08:51 AM

The past is the past and it's no one's business but yours. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. All he needs to know is that you're with him, you're not cheating and you don't have any STDs. Beyond that, it's none of his business.

**ilovecupcakes** · 10-12-2010 08:56 AM

I have absolutley no stds, im like ocd about going to the gyno, and i was always protected even tho i was wasted.

Im healthy, I dont drink, I dont lie about anything, except my creepy past if he asks.

**ilovecupcakes** · 10-12-2010 08:58 AM

Plus my mom and sisters have said i have told him too much already. Theres things you tell to people and theres things you dont. And all of this was BEFORE i met him. I can see if it was during our relationship yeah, but it was my past.

**WildChild** · 10-12-2010 09:07 AM

Truth is important. There are many aspect to truth and defining THE truth is difficult. Is truth the recitation of every detail? Is he entitled to every detail? Especially when you are new in a relationship? That is for you to decide. You state that you lied and that means you said something you knew wasn't true. That is wrong. But I think the bigger concern is why you felt a need to.

Originally Posted by ilovecupcakes

In the beginning he wanted to know everything about me, and there is alot about me.

I dont want him to know about all of the poeple i have been with. Because he judges me very badly. and if i tell him now he will be so mad that i lied to him he hates LIARS.
HELP!!!!!!!!!

Do you really want to spend your life with a man who judges you? Whom you fear to share your truth with? Who is judgemental? Can you ever be freely yourself and truly happy with a man whom you know, "hates liars", knowing you have lied to him and that he might find out someday after you are married?

You must tell him your truth, openly, not appologetically or as if you are shamed by it. It is part of your journey and what has made you the woman you are today and the woman you are becomming. If he loves who you are now and cannot accept where you have been and honor your growth and change, then you should not be with him.

He may be angry that you did not tell him all up front, but people who have not earned your full trust do not deserve your story. Those who push too hard, too early, can make us wary. Unfortunately we live in a pretty judgemental world and women are judged especially hard for their sexual behavior. I can understand why you would have resisted telling him BUT that resistance tells me that he may not be the right one for you. Isn't it better to know that as early as possible? Do you really want to look forward to a life time of appologising for and "making up" for part of your life? You didn't murder someone, you partied, probably exploring or escaping something. It's a part of your life that he was not part of.

To be a balanced and happy person you need to be able to accept and embrace all that you are, being in a state of denial for part of it will lead to you becoming judgemental of yourself and others. Love your wild self. Love your hurt and pained self. Share your love with a man who can love all your selfs, all your aspects, all you are are and will be - not one who loves an image that you are expected to fill.

**pretzel** · 10-12-2010 09:09 AM

I think I can see your dilema. I know you want to be as honest with him but at the same time I know you want to leave the past behind and continue down the path you've chosen with him being a major part of it.

I think you need to decide whether or not his reaction to this will cause permanent damage. You say he'll not meet your telling him about your past in any supporting or respectful way. That's a shame. If after 2 years he hasn't come to respect you for who you are and what the relationship has meant, then he may never do so which is more of an indication of his own personality than of your own.

As for my own opinion, you should control the conversation with only that info you feel comfortable telling him and that any more will only come as you're willing to share. If he can't understand that and accept that then you may well be better off not telling him and yes, even if it means not being totally honest. That isn't to say to outright lie, but "I'm not the person I was so and so many years ago. I didn't like myself then, but now I do and a big part of that is because you're in my life".

**ilovecupcakes** · 10-12-2010 09:30 AM

Thanks Pretzel

Yeah i mean he has issues with woman because he has been cheated on stomped on hurt by them and he thinks there all the same.

He also has some anger issues and He hates when people lie. But other than that he is perfect in ever way.

So i think for me, im just going to be the best person i can be. Ill let go of my past, and he should to.

I think it will cause a lot of damage to the relationship. Thats sad but thats just the type of person he is.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I know i should get some counseling, but honestly i have been to so many doctors psychiatrists counselors, that none of them helped me and cost a LOT of money. I think i am better off just working on myself, doing things like working out, i go to school its my second year in college(which i never thought i would make it to or was smart enough to go and im straight A student now) so im very proud of that and im proud i havent drank in 2 years, and will never again. It ruined my past..and i wont let it ruin my future. Because i can tell you right now if i didnt drink, probably none of the stuff that has happened to me would have happened.

**sourpuss** · 10-12-2010 09:46 AM

That's great. Good for you for taking charge of your life!

One thing I think you should really think about and work out for yourself is the fact that you are ok with someone who 'has issues with women', 'has some anger issues', 'judges you negatively'...etc. To me, it sounds like because of your past, you feel you don't deserve better. I hope you can work through that before you spend too much time with someone who may not deserve you. If you've truly let go of your past then you'll know in your heart that you deserve someone without all those 'issues' and who accepts you for who you are now with no strings and/or guilt attached.

**chaya** · 10-12-2010 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by ilovecupcakes

what i want to know is, are you sopose to tell in detail ever person you have been with?
Even if you are healthy and just had major issues before?

HELP!!!!!!!!!

I'm engaged, I didn't tell him about 2 consentual sex encounters I had, prior to meeting him.

I regret not talking about this when we had our soul to soul talk. Now I feel like I'm hiding something from him and feel a little guilty about it.