HELP!!!i cannot believe it, BETRAYED BY BF on forums whilst pregnant.

[ROXY03]

hi, i'm new to forums, so bear with me. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and since day1 of the pregnancy my partners been up and down. I put this down to shock, but he hasn't talked to me about anything at all where as we always had good communication before. I realised he'd been into writing on forums and looked at a few things he'd written (his name can be googled) to see what was going through his brain. I was gobsmacked that he'd written everything to strangers and not me. He went on forums for support when I found out I was pregnant-and was not very nice about me (suggesting a shove down the stairs or dumping me), boasting about how he still fantasises about sex with his ex from 8yrs ago, putting private family issues I've had recently online in detail, telling these forums how 'fat' and 'unattractive' I am and saying if I don't join a gym after the baby he's walking(I have not gained weight just a bump). I'm shocked as he comes across so differently at home..... is this the 'real' him?? Are these his true feelings?? What the do I do??
I know I shouldn't of snooped and it served me right, but I'm completely hurt and feel betrayed, but can't say anything to him as he'll find out I did this. ADVICE?? xxxxxxxxxx

[Agony_Aunt]

You could tell him you were worried about him, and that is why you checked the forums. And confront him about what you read.

You say about "a shove down the stairs".. this is when you had found out your pregnant at first. That is a horrible thing for anyone to say.
Any pregnant woman is always GLOWING, never fat or unattractive. Even if you had gained weight, your pregnant after all, it would be natural.
Has your family issue's had an effect on your relationship or why had he talked about it in detail on a forum?
He is obviously having some sort of difficulty with the pregnancy but he should been speaking to you about it. You should ask him about what he wrote and ask him to talk to you about the way he is feeling.

[WildChild]

I think Agony Aunt is right, you need to clear the air on this with him. He obviously has some serious issues with your pregnancy and seems to be lacking in sensitivity. Most expectant fathers are excited, awed and a bit nervous, talking about shoving you down the stairs doesn't fit this profile.

Why do you say you thought he was "shocked"? Was this an unplanned pregnancy? Is he not welcoming a child?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Roxy, firstly welcome and congratulations...

Can I ask your ages? Because he sounds very immature...

I imagine it was a shock, women tend to be okay but men, unless they are madly in love and ready, have a hard time facing the resonsibility...

I think people can be themselves on a Forum, it's anonymous you can talk freely. However:-



I imagine he went for support just as you have come here for ours...

I also imagine, from a small comment people on that Forum have wound him up a bit, for him to be able to speak those words... And, they're all boys right?

And, if they used their own experiences or ones of people they know/knew, that were trapped into being together by a baby, then they would be winding him up and he would be replying in that regard...

If I was you, I'd read what comments they made to him, and then I would tell him if you love him and feel that he loves you, you didn't trap him, he can walk when ever he wants, and still be a father to the baby, you do love him and you want him to know that you know women do this, but you didn't and won't... Without letting him know you snooped...

I suspect he's being wound up by a bunch of guys his age on that Forum and needs to know, how you really feel about him and that it's okay, if things don't work out even though that will still hurt you, it's probably an important thing to say at this point.

CW

[stressed]

Paste all these comments he posted in a Word document, print it, and leave it on his computer keyboard. People don't lie when they are anonymous in forums, they actually show their true feelings as they are comfortable talking about them in this way. He has no reason to lie to people when he's anonymous. Whether he is in shock, or unprepared or depressed, he meant what he typed at the time he typed it because he needed help. With that in mind, try to solve these issues one at a time instead of ignoring them (in case he tries to tell you that he didn't mean any of it, don't bite it).

[ROXY03]

Thanks for the comments. We're both 24, we've been together for years. I have POS and was told I'd struggle to concieve as things weren't woring down-there properly, so was put on the pill to help symptoms. So no, the baby wasn't planned or expected, however after the initial shock we both agreed that we'd rather not have an abortion. I have always been very clear that he's free to leave if its all too much as I have not deliberatly trapped him-he has been really excited since, has decorated the nursery, been buying stuff, making holiday plans for the future with his friends with children and has been reading up on pregnancy etc weekly!! We're not currently living together, as I didn't want to seem as though I was trapping him, I have my own house and career and I'm happy with this. My parents have had a few relationship problems, and I've had trouble with my neighbours, I've mentioned these things to him, however they didn't effect our relationship together or impact anything-just something mentioned over dinner, which is why I'm hurt he's intimatly detailed these quarms with strangers!!
Yes, it was a motorbike forum so rather male-orientated, they weren't pleasent responses considering I have never met these people. I have my own home, career and a well-off family, yet I've been labelled fat, cunning and money grabbing by these men and generally descibed as someone off Jeremy Kyle!!
I'm hurt he never discussed his feelings with me about the pregnancy 37 weeks ago-I would have happily been a single parent if I'd of known he felt that way at the time, now I don't know if he's lying or telling the truth.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yes, it was a motorbike forum so rather male-orientated, they weren't pleasent responses considering I have never met these people. I have my own home, career and a well-off family, yet I've been labelled fat, cunning and money grabbing by these men and generally descibed as someone off Jeremy Kyle!!

There's your answer..... As I thought, he's trying to agree with them and be like them, in a way that's low self esteme, does he suffer from that in your opinion?

Let's face it, he agrees to cunning, money grabbing, because he didn't offer the further information, to back you up... Low self esteme.. And, he decided it didn't matter, fictional, non-existant they don't know him.

He was maybe venting or just trying to be one of the boys, if he's fussing over everything then he's happy over all of this...

My ex, was also compuslive about weight though.. His ex wife went from size 8 to 16, me, from 10 - 12, he just never made either of us feel good special, yet he was perdantic in what "he" wanted, again no confidence, wanting the woman to look good, is like a handbag...

So describe how he is with you without that motorbike site, geez that was my ex's passion and another reason why I left, It was all in the house, every room, every cent spent, I had no where to go, no rooms and paid for everything else, so there you go, a bit of venting myself on a Forum, see how it works?

[Beautiful Disaster]

I'd be very hurt by this, and I'd have to address it....whether it was snooping or not. First, what's wrong with someone that they would post things that are SO hurtful and ugly about someone they're not only with, but about to have a baby with. It's one thing to get on a forum and vent about "she hasn't been cooking as much lately", or "she is so hung up on this pregnancy it's all she cares about". That's more normal healthy "venting". Saying things about someone that are hurtful like he did, that cut to the bone.......that's just inexcusable in my opinion. When you love someone, you want them to see you as beautiful, smart, funny, and a great person. Are you ever going to be able to get past the fact that he has said quite the opposite about you, on his own time,on a forum where he had absolutely zero reason to lie?

I don't think I'd be able to get past that. Pregnant women are beautiful. You're carrying HIS child and any fat you have gained is a result of that. He should be pampering your feet off at this point. I understand that pregnancy makes things sort of sexually awkward for men at times, I get that. But even when that's the case, a man who LOVES his woman, will still think she's beautiful, will be amazed at what her body is going through to bring this baby into the world, etc. That's a real man. Not one that cowardly goes behind his wifes back to call her fat, greedy, selfish, etc.

I agree with Stressed. I'd print it out, leave it on his keyboard for him to find, and leave for the afternoon. During that time, I wouldn't answer my cell if he tried to call. I wouldn't answer his texts. I'd leave that for him to read, and then leave him with the evening to reflect upon what he said and how it must have made you feel. Come home that night or the next morning and let him do the talking. He WILL try to say he was just venting and didn't mean that stuff.....but he meant it, and that's whats so hurtful. And then you can make your decision as to what you should do.

[PandaPaws]

OH my gosh, that is awful. Yes, I would say that's the "real" him, and you have to confront him about it. Him bashing you online is not okay. Him having fantasies about his ex is not okay. Good luck when you do bring it up - stay strong!

[auntie_awesome]

Here's the thing...if he said it, he likely feels part of it is true. Yes he may have been exaggerating due to where he was posting it on...but people don't post or say things that they aren't at least partly meaning.

I agree that you should print the comments out and let him know you found them. He's going to be angry about the snooping...but do you always want to be wondering if what he said was true? Do you want to raise a child with this person knowing he wrote online he wanted to push you down the stairs?

Print the comments out, explain that what is posted online is *not* private and you want counseling. You will likely not get past this and have a wonderful, life-long relationship unless you both address any problems. A baby does NOT create a happy relationship, it puts all of the problems under a magnifying glass and often makes them worse. You and your child deserve a happy, secure, good life.