I need some advise on how to talk to my boyfriend about paying part of the bills

**sls763** · 10-14-2010 06:48 AM

So my boyfriend and I have been together for about a 1 1/2 now. For a little background, I have 3 kids 11,10, and 7. I am divorced, my ex had a few affairs, this was about 6 years ago and this is the first serious relationship. I live in a nice house that I own and the mortgage is paid by my ex as well as a certain amount in a direct deposit every week for child support and alimony. After dating about 6 months my boyfriend moved in, he was in the process of selling his house and switching carreers so I didn't push to have him help out with bills. Now he is working towards changing his carreer and doing construction jobs to get by. Sometimes he will give me money but not very often. This all is really starting to bother me because the other day I told him "hey I stole 5 bucks off your dresser, and he was like no you borrowed it because you're going to pay me back. Then just yesterday, my washer broke, so until the repair man comes I needed to go to the laundromat and we have a cup that we put all our spare change in, and then he goes and cashes it in and keeps it all, so when I needed to go the do the laundry I took some of the quarters. He said did you take the change for the laundry and I said yeah, he walked away pissed and just said "nice". I was kind of annoyed, I sat there thinking, are you kidding me, I pay for Everything and you are going to complain about 10 dollars in quarters, to do your laundry! He is somewhat of a short fuse and I don't like to start an arguement so I don't say to much. His reasoning also is that he isn't going to pay things because that is my ex's responsibility and he doesn't want to do anything to help him out. What he doesn't understand, and I have told him, is that he isn't, my ex has to pay weather he's there or not. So anyway, sorry so long, but I'm just not sure what to do, or how to talk to him about it, so any advise from anyone would be helpful. Thank you so much.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-14-2010 07:04 AM

Wow....sounds like you're being taken advantage of quite alot. He's thinking in his mind that the money doesn't come out of your pocket so it really shouldn't matter. He seems perfectly happy and willing to live on your ex husbands dime. Not a good sign. What is he doing to contribute? Why is he there? You have three kiddos in the house.....and now a live in boyfriend whom you knew for 6 mths and moved in, who feels he's entitled to your ex husbands support and doesn't contribute? Doesn't even want to "give" you $5 yet the roof over his head, the utilities, and probably most the food he eats is paid for?

Tell me again, why are you with this man, and why is he living in your home? Do you think he's going to a positive role model and positive addition to yours and your childrens lives?

**kygirl** · 10-14-2010 07:05 AM

Not to sound too harsh, but he seems inconsiderate, rude, and like a total slacker.

I'd tell him exactly what you told us and if he still wants to play this game about not wanting to help your ex, then tell him to pack up his stuff and move out.

Honestly, you've got yourself and three kids to take care of. You don't need another one.

**KMonte85** · 10-14-2010 07:07 AM

I learned the hard way that you need to have a talk about finances sooner, rather than later, before you get resentful and eventually blow up at your boyfriend (like I did when he moved into my house).

He may have a short fuse, but he's living pretty much scott-free in your home, and whining about the spare change you take here and there. Guess what - $5 or $10 in change isn't going to pay the insurance, utilties, property taxes. So him saying that he doesn't want to "help your ex" is a crock - like you said, he wouldn't be helping him at all, he would be paying his fair share of living expenses.

Argument or not, it sounds like its time you and he try to have a talk about sharing household expenses. He's been living there for a year now, he's got his job situation straightened out for the most part, and can contribute to the cost of living - just as he would if he were still in his own home.

Even if it means that you put some of the bills in his name. That's what I ended up doing when my bf moved in. He was supposed to pay me a certain amt of money (that went towards mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc) every month... well that started getting lax, and then he didn't pay for 3 straight months. I blew up (shouldn't have, so please don't do this), and after a cooling down period, we decided that he is responsible for the electric bill and the cable, and we both buy groceries. That way, the bill comes to his name and he must pay it on time, no more casual "eh, I'll get to it" like he could do with me. The utilities companies are not as understanding as his girlfriend (me) is.

It's been working - he's contributing financially, I'm no longer resentful that I'm supporting his living arrangements 100%, and the best part is - when he forgets and leaves the garage light on all day (like he often does) it's not my problem anymore

haha

**sls763** · 10-14-2010 07:20 AM

Thank you all for responding so quickly. Beautiful Disaster, I know what you are saying. I have been thinking to myself what kind of example is he for the kids. The other 2 posts are how I'm feeling also. I guess I'm just afraid. I know he would never hurt me if I upset him, but my ex did so it makes me nervous. It seems like every time he gets money he brings up how hes going to be broke because he has to get new tires or 800 to fix the front end in his truck. Well I have things that come up too, such as having to buy a new washing machine. I just don't understand his logic, and as soon as I start talking about something thats going to him off he ignores me. I just don't understand. I would be embarrassed and feel like a slacker if I were him. Something needs to give becuase I am fed up and either he pays up or he can hit the curb!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-14-2010 07:22 AM

Well....think about it really hard. Even if he started financially contributing........what is he contributing to your happiness? And most importantly, what is he contributing to the lives of your children?

**KMonte85** · 10-14-2010 07:49 AM

Ignoring you is not a solution, it is immature and you're right - doesn't set a good example.

if there's more issues than he's just not helping to pay for living expenses, then you definitely should start focusing on why you're with him, and if he's good for you and good for your children.

Getting him to help out shouldn't be that hard, but if he goes deaf, dumb, and blind when you try to have a conversation with him that he may not like, there will only be bigger and bigger issues piling up between you two.

**sourpuss** · 10-14-2010 07:57 AM

I don't think it's fair to your ex that he's paying for the house for you and your kids to live in and this guy is living there for free. That just really rubs me the wrong way! Even if your ex was the worst guy on earth, it's not his responsibility to make this guys life easy while he lives with HIS kids, in his house. Erg.
You need to stand up for yourself and set an example for your children that everyone has to be responsible for themselves and not mooch off anyone. If he was a stand up guy this wouldn't be an issue in the first place. I agree that you should really rethink why you are with him to begin with.

**WildChild** · 10-14-2010 08:09 AM

Sound like a sponge. Why is supporting him your (or your ex's) responsibility? Is he that phenominal in bed? It's your home, sounds like you need to take it back. This guy has had a year of free living, time to pull the plug. Not just him paying, he needs to move out and get on his feet. You let a real imbalance develop and I doubt very much that you can cure it while he is living off you.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-14-2010 09:05 AM

I don't think it's fair to your ex that he's paying for the house for you and your kids to live in and this guy is living there for free. That just really rubs me the wrong way!

ME too. :\

I know you were married, and he hurt you. And I'm know you were probably lonely and felt the need to have a man around. But please please be VERY selective about who you bring into your kids lives. It DOES affect them, not just now, but for the rest of their lives. It can literally change the course of who they become in their lives.