How do you stop being Jealous?

**btifulfrefly08** · 10-15-2010 10:50 AM

In my past I've never been that much of a jealous person. I never worried about losing my man to another girl. With my boyfriend I have right now I can't stop worrying I'm going to loose him. I know that he's not like any other guy I've dated. He's not romantic and all that. I know that if he wanted another girl he could get one in a heart beat. I even get jealous when he talks about his ex-gfs. I have no idea how to stop this. I've never been so insecure in my life.

Someone please help me find a way to put my mind at ease.

**KMonte85** · 10-15-2010 10:58 AM

Does he do things that make you feel insecure, causing you to become jealous of other women? Seems odd that you would suddenly have this jealousy issue with this guy, when you haven't been a jealous girlfriend in the past. If he is saying things that make you insecure, then you should speak with him - let him know that some of the things he says are hurtful, and cause you to question your importance to him.

If he isn't instigating your insecurity, then it really is just a mentality shift that you need to make. When you are having insecure thoughts, try to remember all the reasons why you are together and how insignificant those things that make you insecure are, tell yourself that he's with you by CHOICE and any/all other women don't matter, think of a time you spent together that was incredible (imtimate, funny inside jokes, dates, whatever) etc, etc...

You just have to change the way you think about it.. for every negative, jealous thought that comes to your mind, come up with two positive ones about you and your boyfriend to combat it.

**caterpillar79** · 10-15-2010 12:50 PM

Try to spend more time to yourself and develop hobbies that interest you. The more you engulf yourself thinking about him and sorts, the more you'll feel that way. So, that being said, DO NOT bury yourself in that. Join a gym, attend a fitness class, pursue belly dancing or a martial arts class, an art class anything - to have time to yourself and develop your potential. In that way, you'll feel more empowered and more confident. In like manner, your BF would be perplexed and would gravitate towards your positive energy even more (man, it sounds like I need to re-read this advice to myself!).

**btifulfrefly08** · 10-16-2010 12:15 AM

He's never really done anything to make me insecure. It's more the stuff he says. Like one time someone brought up how him & his ex should still be together because they were perfect, he agreed that he messed that up. It's just stuff he says that gets me to be insecure. I've told him time and time again that that is what is causing me to be this way, but he always just tells me that I need to toughen up.

**caterpillar79** · 10-16-2010 12:56 AM

"What he says"..., you've communicated how you feel about it, and all he said was " toughen up", no compromise at all, no intentions of meeting you half-way. In my book, it's a red flag.

On the other hand, you cannot really control nor change others but yourself. That being said, you can decide to react differently, and do more productive things to help you "toughen" up in the real sense of the word. Again, I go back to what I've said earlier - have a life of your own. Pursue activities that does not involve him, which would help uplift your self-image. Workout and eat healthy, go out on your own or with girl friends, love yourself more.

**BabyGirl** · 10-17-2010 10:59 AM

Originally Posted by btifulfrefly08

He's never really done anything to make me insecure. It's more the stuff he says. Like one time someone brought up how him & his ex should still be together because they were perfect, he agreed that he messed that up. It's just stuff he says that gets me to be insecure. I've told him time and time again that that is what is causing me to be this way, but he always just tells me that I need to toughen up.

Evidently it is something he said, or Did Not Say, that has you insecure.

The Stuff like.... Someone brought up his Ex and he admits he "messed up ".
Did he follow with a Hugging You and saying " But I got it right this time " ...

What way are You being that he thinks you should "toughen up" on ?

When you tell him your worries, do you both sit down and Talk.... Issue by Issue ? By this I mean TALK.

" Honey, when you don't give me a hug or a compliment when your friends say you and your Ex were *Perfect * it seems that you may regret some of your past actions, but you seem to have learned from your mess~ups, As you are a Great Guy Now !!!"

Also without delving into the Hurt and Pain of the Last Relationship.
You can both tell each other what works and doesnt work with the New Relationship.

I am A LISTER, I make Mental and Physical Lists.. of

" I Likes and Dislikes" and the Inevitable, " Yeah Me Too's " and that is how you become a Friend and Lifetime Lover "

The Toughen Up... would tell me a " Get Used to It " or "Get Over it" type Statement. So I would ask, Toughen What ? My Heart, My Mind My Body, my Soul ?

So Ask those questions.. Not only of yourself but of him ..

**WildChild** · 10-17-2010 11:49 AM

You don't own him nor he you. If he isn't going to be faithful, do you really want him?
He doesn't sound very sensitive to your needs.

**btifulfrefly08** · 10-18-2010 11:10 AM

My boyfriend and I talk a lot of issues. I'm the type of person who's not afraid to tell someone what's wrong with me. When we do talk he just tells me that I'm being crazy. I'm pretty sure he tells me that I'm being crazy because I do not have anything to be worried about. He knows that in my past I've had a really bad issue with being negative.

I do think that it's what he says or doesn't say that is making me insecure. Like he doesn't tell me that he loves me too often because he doesn't want to over-use the phrase. He doesn't give me compliments ever. He's more the jokester and just makes comments on how I look like a mouse.

I think I'm more jealous of his ex's because I know that he didn't treat them how he treats me. He treated them better, but then again he was younger and I know that he got seriously hurt in the past, but he has yet to tell me how.

Whenever I bring up that he needs to tell me that he loves me more he says that it's always cute how I get mad that he doesn't tell me enough. And whenever I tell him that he needs to compliment me more he says that I should know that I look good and I shouldn't have to be told that I do.

He doesn't really understand how a normal person works. He lives in his own little world.

**SomiticPit** · 10-25-2010 10:40 PM

I get very jealous too, and it's something I hate. Since I have broken up with my last boyfriend, I've tried to admit that fault to myself, and try my best to control it. I know that if I let those feelings of insecurity to get a hold of me, it would be my fault something goes wrong rather than his, because once you have jealousy brewing inside of you, even the tiniest thing he could do (like glance at some girl as she walks by without thinking) could set you off.

I think it's so weird that I get jealous over his ex-girlfriends too! I know I shouldn't, but it's uncontrollable. I try to combat it with, "If they really were so perfect together then they would still be together," or,"He's with me NOW, not her!" But sometimes it just doesn't work. I would rather not discuss ex's. I make the effort of turning my head if I think he's looking at another girl so that I don't have to confirm with my eyes that he is...I try to not let that stupid jealous ghost even get near me!

Jealousy is not trusting your man. If he has given reason to for you not to trust him in the past and you have forgiven him, he needs to understand that you haven't forgotten, and at that point you are entitled to a little bit of jealousy. I think then it is a warning sign, made to caution you. And I think that's where I get it from. In the past, I've had guys do me wrong, and I now have that jealous wall around me....all you can really do is work on your confidence at that point. Time to gussy up and shake it off.

**WildChild** · 10-25-2010 10:56 PM

Do you really want to be with a man who, "doesn't really understand how a normal person works, " and "lives in his own little world" and doesn't treat you as well as past girlfriends because someone else hurt him? I'm been there and this is a really bad plan. He needs to deal with his stuff and you need higher standards.