Just found out my Gf was molested, help advice needed.

**HelpagoodBF** · 10-20-2010 10:08 PM

I didnt know were to go so i thought id post my own thread then read on others. Me 18 and my gf 15 have been together now for about a year, and we havnt had the easiest of relationships. I was her first and im glad i was but she has told me about her past and wh shes never realy trusted anyone before me. When she was 6 she was molested by her Fathers freinds when he was passed out drunk, she wont give me any detail except for that there outta of her life now. She also has been raped twice within the last 4 months, she handled it better then i did. After the second time i reported it but she wouldnt tell her mom or the dean of students who it was, and all that she would tell me is that she took care of it with her "scary freinds". i know she doesnt want me to get in trouble but i dont think that ill feel fine till hes sleeping with the fishes. She just told me the molesting part about an hour ago and its clouding my brain, i need some one to help me cope with this cause i do not want to worry her, please any advice is welcome and could help.

**kristalyn_04** · 10-20-2010 10:22 PM

Well my first concern would be... how is she handling all of this? It just seems you're having a harder time dealing with this than she is. If she's reported the abuse to the appropriate people and getting help dealing with the emotional baggage, then she's doing the right thing. If she's not doing that then you can try to encourage her to, but you can't force her. All you can really do is be there to listen and for emotional support, and don't push the issue with her or you will end up pushing her away. Let her deal with this on her terms, not yours.

**LanaBear** · 10-20-2010 10:26 PM

I think right now, it is a huge shock to you, as I'm sure it would be to anybody. She's had time to have all this going through her head, whereas you haven't.

Has she ever been to counseling for it? How does she handle it? Raped 2 times in the last 4 months? Something needs to happen there, were these instances reported?

Be her shoulder to cry on, be the person that can just listen to her and how she is feeling. If you push her, she may clam up and not talk at all, which, I don't believe would be good.

**HelpagoodBF** · 10-20-2010 11:24 PM

all i can say is that shes handling this much better then i am, shes a lil trooper. i love her to death but she wont go to counsling, and the only time she did go it was for my rehab(which i aperciated beyond belife). She has a hard time trusting and opening up to ppl cause of her past. i have tried to get her to open up more but i get to pushy and she closes up, which i know i should not do but im very impacient at times. so ive been just listening and trying to help her, and she adors me for it cause shes never had unconditional love before from anyone(she doesnt know who her real father is, either she a rape baby or a one night stand, and her parents, dicvorced, use her as a tool aginst one another). as far as the rape goes she, i convinced one of her friends to report it to the administration at her school but she refused to tell, and now her mother thinks shes a liar and only said it to get my attention(which i now for a fact is cause the way i found out was in middle of sex when she broke down crying), she said she had her friends take care of it so ima trust her on that. im just in shock cause i never realy thought something like this would happen to someone close to me, but you always think that till it does(my grandfather died of cancer a lil over a year ago). i just realy need to know how i should cope with this cause im full of anger and confusion.

**WildChild** · 10-20-2010 11:35 PM

I feel very sorry for both of you. My heart goes out to you.

Be very careful. She needs help and loving care, but you have a three year age difference and you are of legal age - she isn't. Depending on where you live, if the two of you have sex, it is statutory rape. You could find your self facing charges regardless of whether there was consent.

There is something very wrong in this picture that she has been victimized so often. My experience is that girls who have grown up in abusive situations can have trouble with knowing how to draw boundries and act in a self protective manner. There may be more to her story that you have heard. She really needs help and supportive freinds but you need to keep yourself safe. Encourage her to get counseling and to open up and talk. I know it is difficult but you should end the sexual part of your relationship until she is of legal age.

This is likely to become like opening a can of worms. Dad drinks til he passes out, she gets molested, where was mom? She gets raped, but won't talk - that's not hard to understand but could back fire on you if the authorities find out that two of you are sexually active together. She needs to be tested for health reason, I assume that has been done?

You love and care for her and want to protect her and help her. Speaking from experience the best thing you can do is to just be there for her. Let her talk, she needs to. She may need to go through it over and over. Don't get angry, just be there for her and encourage her to act in her own best interests. She needs to develop the ability to keep herself safe in a healthy way.

**LanaBear** · 10-20-2010 11:41 PM

Everything WC said is exactly right, there's nothing to really even be added.

I feel for the two of you, the whole situation is very unfortunate.

**HelpagoodBF** · 10-20-2010 11:48 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

I feel very sorry for both of you. My heart goes out to you.

Be very careful. She needs help and loving care, but you have a three year age difference and you are of legal age - she isn't. Depending on where you live, if the two of you have sex, it is statutory rape. You could find your self facing charges regardless of whether there was consent.

There is something very wrong in this picture that she has been victimized so often. My experience is that girls who have grown up in abusive situations can have trouble with knowing how to draw boundries and act in a self protective manner. There may be more to her story that you have heard. She really needs help and supportive freinds but you need to keep yourself safe. Encourage her to get counseling and to open up and talk. I know it is difficult but you should end the sexual part of your relationship until she is of legal age.

This is likely to become like opening a can of worms. Dad drinks til he passes out, she gets molested, where was mom? She gets raped, but won't talk - that's not hard to understand but could back fire on you if the authorities find out that two of you are sexually active together. She needs to be tested for health reason, I assume that has been done?

You love and care for her and want to protect her and help her. Speaking from experience the best thing you can do is to just be there for her. Let her talk, she needs to. She may need to go through it over and over. Don't get angry, just be there for her and encourage her to act in her own best interests. She needs to develop the ability to keep herself safe in a healthy way.

weve already been through that scare and the state law says if there is a three year difrence they wont put a invetigation into it. her parents got divorced when she was five, this happened the following year i assume. and if there is more to the story i assume i must wait to get more information, if any. its also ahrd for me to be there for her cause her step dad is a die hard muslim and forbids her from seeing me, though on the weekends while he is at work, she come over for a few hours. she has not been tested cause the dean of student and her mother both think she just said that to get my attention. and if she has anything ill get tested to find out cause i didnt find out till afterwords that it happend so if she has something then i have it also. i pray(which is very uncommon for me) everything will settle down and well be back to our old relatioship, but for now we must deal with the stresses of the drama till its over and put behind us. i try not to be angry but i feel like i must defend my teritory(i know that my sound possesive but i am very protective of my loved ones) and make sure my pressons is known to the school. thank you guys for all the advice and keep it coming im liking wat im geting

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-21-2010 05:13 AM

How does she feel about her step father?

How long has he been the step father?

Maybe it's closer to home....

It's beautiful that your in-tune with the opposite sex, that your in love and that she felt close enough to cry and tell a little

You are going to have to be patient.. She will , when she is ready tell you more, just hold her and be there for now....

I doubt she is trying to get your attention you've been together for a while and she has it, I question why her Mother thinks that, hense my above questions...
CW

**HelpagoodBF** · 10-21-2010 07:13 AM

her step father realy isnt that bad of a guy most of the time but i heard stories were he goes off and loses his temper. shes been her step father for about 7 years now but she moved out 2 years ago and moved back when we started dating cause her dad didnt approve. As far as her mother goes, she had no walk in the park life. her mom is a selfish selfcentered liar that will do about aything to get wat she wants. My gf basicly raises her to half siblings cause her mom is tired from siting on her all day. obviously i dont voice these opinions around her but she knows how i feel. her mom is always looking for an easy way outta every sitituation, and i think in this cause ignoreing it is easier then dealing with it she told her self that she is lieing

**lonestar** · 10-21-2010 01:10 PM

Yeahh, was going to comment on the age problem. pretty big problem, dude.
Now- that being said, you're probably not going to care about that so carpe diam. As for her situation, being a victim myself, all I can tell you is be very sensitive when it comes to sexual escapades between the two of you. something that might seem miniscule to you is probably going to mean a lot more to her. Be very careful when you reject her, even in the nicest of ways. It will go to her head.
As for her not going to counseling, I have not either (at least not for that). There are resources out there that don't involve talking to anyone- at least not for now. Tell her to look into Dr. Drew and listen to loveline. Dr. Drew is an expert on childhood trauma and how it affects the adult life. Although... she is still a child. Tell her to read some of his stuff and it will probably encourage her to seek help... he's got a way about him.