Thread: Skeletons in his closet, troubling our relationship?

So, I guess I'll just give a brief background for my question. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, we've been living together for 3. We've known each other about 10 years. Before we officially became an item, he had a girlfriend who became pregnant at about 16/17. They were both young (obviously) and not ready to handle this situation. They broke up, she had the baby, and he basically "took off". He's never met the child.
Now I know that a lot of you are probably like "what a dirtbag!", and I agree what he did wasn't right, he should've taken responsibility for his actions and have been involved. But, hindsight is always 20-20.
This is now haunting him every day, he tells me he thinks about her, the guilt he feels. I've tried to tell him that he should try to find his ex, and somehow, slowly become involved in the childs life. Send birthday cards, whatever. Baby steps! If, of course, the mother is willing to allow this. Or, just move on. Basically poop or get off the pot. She hasn't filed for child support and as far as I'm aware she's out of state and has a family now. I've never met her, but have been told by mutual friends.
The problem is that I'm wanting to settle down. I've always wanted a family, and always wanted to be a young mother. I'm 25 now. I don't want to be the "forever girlfriend", I want to be married and I want children.
I've talked about this with him and he says that he's not ready, and "how can I have kids with you, when I already have one I don't even know!".
I can understand that he's not ready, but I'd at least like to be able to talk about it openly and start making plans so that we can become ready. I've known about the other child for as long as we've been dating, and I always thought it'd be something he, or we, would deal with. I've told him repeatedly that I'd be happy to help him with this, and that if the child wanted to be involved with him or us, I'd gladly welcome them with open arms.
What really bothers me the most is that because of this other child, he feels he cannot settle down with me. I didn't realize that his past mistake would have such a negative impact on our future. If he doesn't want to have children, it's an absolute deal breaker.
I've tried talking with him about this time and again, but it always ends up being a fight. He gets defensive, I get emotional, and then we just clash.
I don't know what to do, I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want him to be the father of my children. Yes, he screwed up big time, but we all make mistakes. We share the same family values, which is very important to me as I'm pretty old fashioned. We've talked about our ideas for raising children (TV time, disciplinary action, education... a lot of things).
I don't want this mistake from his past to ruin this, because it shouldn't. It should be something that can be worked out and lived with. I'm ashamed to admit I'm starting to feel resentful towards his ex and child. I know the child is innocent, I understand that. And maybe that makes me a bad person.

I don't know what to do. Any advice would be so much appreciated. Is there another way I could approach the subject without it turning into a fight? I'm devastated by this, I've always dreamed of us having a family, and now it seems like it was a foolish fantasy. Any of you have similar stories? How did you deal with it? Please help, again, I'd love any advice you guys are willing to offer. Thank you.

Thank you ladies for the input, it kinda made me see it a little better from his point of view. I want to say that I'm not a ring/baby hungry woman, (well I guess I kind of am... but not in a bad way, at least that's what I'd like to think). It's just that after 5 years, I'd like some sort of commitment, or at least be discussing the possibility of it. I've told him that I'm not trying to rush him, I don't want it to happen today or tomorrow, but... within the next 5 years or so would be nice. I also have endometriosis, which makes me worry that I won't be fertile for as long as your average healthy woman. I suppose he could feel that I'm trying to rush him, and we all know that goes over like a fart in church with men, so maybe I approached it the wrong way.
I wish I knew how to evolve this to something that we can discuss openly without having to feel ashamed. I don't think that as soon as he gets closure on the past that we'll be running to the alter, but maybe it would bring him peace so that he can start thinking about the future instead of dwelling on the past.