Can't get over...

**vancityguy** · 10-25-2010 02:38 PM

I've been with my girlfriend for about 5months now, and there's really only one thing im having trouble with...I'm not racist , but the fact her last boyfriend was a black man really turns me off....i mean REALLY turns me off. I'm not sure what it is that bothers me so much , i talked to a couple buddies about it and they had the same reaction to it as i did when i found out. I've said nothing to her about it and she doesn't know i have a problem with it, but it does effect my mood towards sex occasionaly. I almost get grossed out by the idea of the past sex she had with him it make me want to not have sex with her at time :S....should i say something? should i not say anything? should i just come to terms with the fact i wont be comfortable with this and leave her ? what to do...what to do....

**KMonte85** · 10-25-2010 02:44 PM

I guess I don't get how you can be so grossed out by your girlfriend (who I assume is probably white, or at least not black) having sex with a black man... and yet not be racist. The point that grosses you out the most is his race - how is that not racist?

If I were you, I would just move on... after 5 months, you're still having problems with this and it seems to be affecting your sex life. What is it exactly that keeps you in the relationship? She can't change what happened, and you can't seem to get over what happened before you were a part of her life. Why not just let this relationship go, so you can find someone who hasn't *gasp* had sex with a black man, and so she can find someone who will love her regardless of her history, and regardless of the skincolor of the men she's been with?

**LanaBear** · 10-25-2010 02:47 PM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

I guess I don't get how you can be so grossed out by your girlfriend (who I assume is probably white, or at least not black) having sex with a black man... and yet not be racist. The point that grosses you out the most is his race - how is that not racist?

If I were you, I would just move on... after 5 months, you're still having problems with this and it seems to be affecting your sex life. What is it exactly that keeps you in the relationship? She can't change what happened, and you can't seem to get over what happened before you were a part of her life. Why not just let this relationship go, so you can find someone who hasn't *gasp* had sex with a black man, and so she can find someone who will love her regardless of her history, and regardless of the skincolor of the men she's been with?

Can't really add anything more to that... If you haven't gotten over it in 5 months, you probably won't be able to get over it and you are just going to grow more and more resentful. Call it a day, let her find a man who doesn't care about the race of her previous partners and go find yourself a girl that hasn't been with a race you don't approve of.

**vancityguy** · 10-25-2010 03:10 PM

well the thing is i jsut found out about it about a month ago...typical rap video look alike...big gold chains , pants to his , into drugs...its like what kind of girl goes for that kind of guy...i mean seriouslly what potential do you see in something like that...?

**LanaBear** · 10-25-2010 03:14 PM

Maybe the bad boy attraction... You try it out a couple of times for the 'thrill' factor, then you find what you really want, which isn't anything like any of that...

**stressed** · 10-25-2010 03:54 PM

Since it affects your mood towards sex...

Can it be that you believe the 'myth' of black men having large penises? Do you feel you're inferior to her ex because he was black in that sense? I know many men who believe this about "black men having large penises" and it can get to them. I wonder if that's the problem...

**Agony_Aunt** · 10-25-2010 04:11 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

Since it affects your mood towards sex...

Can it be that you believe the 'myth' of black men having large penises? Do you feel you're inferior to her ex because he was black in that sense? I know many men who believe this about "black men having large penises" and it can get to them. I wonder if that's the problem...

That also was my first initial reaction.
Secondly, with no offense, you do come across as racist because the only problem you have with her last partner, is his skin colour.

And because you have mentioned that when it comes down to sex, that is when your mostly REALLY turned off, as you have stated. That in itself points out it is either do with the myth of dark skinned men having larger penises, or the fact that you are turned off by thinking about her sleeping with a black man, which typically leads back to being racist.

So over all, this girl has done nothing wrong and she probably really likes you, and if this is causing such a problem for you, then tell her about it straight away and end the relationship, because it doesn't sound like this is something you can get past and it is not fair to lead her on. If you liked her enough, this wouldn't be a problem for you.

**stressed** · 10-25-2010 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by vancityguy

well the thing is i jsut found out about it about a month ago...typical rap video look alike...big gold chains , pants to his , into drugs...its like what kind of girl goes for that kind of guy...i mean seriouslly what potential do you see in something like that...?

I just re-read this. This post contradicts your first, as would you feel better about him if he was a white man with gold chains, into drugs etc.? First you say it's his colour but then you say it was his personality.

I think you know very well the answer to what the problem is, but you find it hard to admit it to yourself.

**vancityguy** · 10-25-2010 04:44 PM

well i know its not a penis size issue...im an average sized guy at 5'10 160lbs and always have a problem with being able to "fully penetrate" before reaching a partners end with my current gf aswell.....ive read all the posts and i can aussure you I'm not racist...i grew up with all sorts of friends and an african buddy ///that ended up heavy into coke :s , and no...if it was a white guy into drugs and chains it wouldnt be any better...im thinking its possible the fact my ex cheated on my with a black guy ??? i unno all i know is its on me to get this out of my head :S im not mad at her by any means,she's an awesome girl!! love everything about her... just trying to figure out why these ideas go through my head..put it this way...I want to chnge my way of thinking so i can make this the best possible relationship , don't condemn me for my thoughts they're not actions...i'de just like to erase whatever the trigger is.

**WildChild** · 10-25-2010 04:45 PM

I was thinking just what Stressed has expressed. You need to do some self realization. How would you feel if her ex was highly educated and came from a well respected family? Is this about ethnicity or about his perceived socio economic status?

This statement may really say it all, "...its like what kind of girl goes for that kind of guy...i mean seriouslly what potential do you see in something like that...? "

Is your real concern what it says about how she perceives you, if she was willing to sleep with what you see as a total loser before?

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