17 Years Marriage, gone!

**foxdana** · 11-02-2010 01:50 AM

My husband of 17 years has just up and left, this is the second time this year and the last time I will let him do this to me. The first time he said he thought he was gay, this time he says he is unhappy, and that is making me and the kids unhappy. That is why he left! He isn't willing to try and get help or let me make any changes to fix this. I think he will be more miserable now than ever before and will try to come back but there is no way I will let him do this again. I am over all the !
Does this sound like an excuse to anyone but me? He says he still loves me and he is very sorry and this is the best for everyone, but he won't discuss anything, he just left. I have to wonder if I was married to the most disrespectful and weak human for 17 years.
To make matters worse, we have 3 teenage kids, so I wonder if he just waited until he thought they were old enough to handle it! The only time he can ever make decisions is when its major effect is toward him and then he will not discuss it further.
Our sex life has been awesome! we have been getting on better in the last 4 months than for the last 16 years, so I am at a loss!
I feel I am being to hard on him, but enough is enough.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-02-2010 06:56 AM

I think for a man to get the courage to tell his wife he's gay........he most likely is. Maybe once he admitted it and left, he realized he missed his life and wanted to come back. Alot of gay men just want "normal" lives because it's easier than having to admit to the world you're gay and live a gay lifestyle. I'm sure he probably missed the kids when he left...and maybe that's why he returned?

I think you're right for being done. It sounds like he's putting you through an emotional rollercoaster, and I'd be sick of it too. Tell him to go on out there in the world, figure out who he is and what he wants.........but that he's not going to do it at your emotional expense.

**Awoman2** · 11-02-2010 12:43 PM

Your husband is gay. If you can live with that, you're a heckuva woman.

He can still be part of the family without being your husband because you share children. Personally, after the "I think I'm gay" came out, the marriage would be over.

**foxdana** · 11-02-2010 06:12 PM

I am such an idiot, I didn't think this had anything to do with the gay thing! But it is so obvious! He is in huge denial and pushed those feelings deep inside and that is what is making him so sad. I will have to look at this differently now! Weak might be the opposite of what he is being!! Thankyou!!!!

**Seniora** · 11-04-2010 05:06 AM

Foxdana, I think you are an amazing woman!1 You are showing compassion in your last comment, which shows why your husband is probably torn - you are a person of integrity and he has issues with sexuality. Yes, an awful situation for you and we would all share your anxiety if in the same position. He is not a "bad" person, quite obviously. That your emotions are being tugged is completely understandable, though regrettable. It will take time for this to be sorted out for you and I don't think this can be fast-forwarded, really.

We forgot on this forum that it's peoples' lives and emotions that are being dealt with, and I'm as guilty as anybody for overly-directed, sometimes tactless responses. It's good to get anonymous feedback - I guess it's why we all tell our hairdressers secrets!

Marriage. So complicated, so long-lasting in our day and age - with increased life expectancy and modern medication. But we tend to blame ourselves for "failures", when previous generations simply didn't marry for as long as we do!! I don't think a life partner should necessarily fulfill all our needs - this just isn't realistic. What I'm trying to say is that this turmoil you're experiencing may be a blessing in disguise in that you may find another side of yourself - strength, intelligence etc. - that you didn't realize before. I hope you can manage to get through the next little while with your sanity intact and can move on to find new strength and resolve. Very good luck!!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-04-2010 06:25 AM

We forgot on this forum that it's peoples' lives and emotions that are being dealt with, and I'm as guilty as anybody for overly-directed, sometimes tactless responses.

Hmmm, not sure out of the 2 responses (other than yours) the OP received which you would refer to as being tactless........but I disagree and don't believe we told the OP anything she didn't already know. Sometimes it just helps to hear it from someone else, so you know that someone is see's it the same way you do.

Foxdana - wanting to give your husband of 17 years the benefit of the doubt does NOT make you an idiot. I think you're right about his sadness. If he is indeed gay, which it seems he most likely is (why would he say he is if he's not, right?) it is probably very burdensome on him to live his life hiding it. But...IMO he's being selfish, because he knows he cannot give you all of himself, he knows he can't give you the type of relationship you so deserve.......he knows that if he's acting on his pleasures he could give you a plethura of diseases. Just know that this is not your fault. But now that you're quite certain you know the problem, take control of it and think about your own future too....not just his.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-04-2010 04:28 PM

We forgot on this forum that it's peoples' lives and emotions that are being dealt with, and I'm as guilty as anybody for overly-directed, sometimes tactless responses. It's good to get anonymous feedback - I guess it's why we all tell our hairdressers secrets!

Think she's referring to herself BD, because we know that we do read a thread and reply to that person individually, with honesty, non judging and if possible helping with the truth or a possibility to consider.. So yes, there is not point in making tactless responses, it is anonymous .. Thanks for realising what this Forum is all about now...

OP, you are a compassionate person, your not a fool but a good person with a heart. Seems the main thing you want is the love you have/had from your Husband, and not to never know him no matter what direction he needs to take.

We wish you all the success.

CW

**Seniora** · 11-05-2010 04:19 PM

CW, I was referring to myself but also noted other tactless comments from other contributors on previous topics! A bit sharp, so to say!!

The anonymity of this Forum is excellent. Sometimes when we tell our friends things they can come back to haunt us - even if alluded to in a conversation and we get that jab of regret that we ever mentioned it. That, and the fact that our credibility can be denied us because we represent ourselves as somehow less that perfect! How many of us really let our guards down?! I'm inclined to do this when I really need somebody's help and advice, but don't think it a good idea.

The woman on this thread who wants to save her 17-year marriage is admirable. We had a huge public expose here recently where a State Minister was found (by the press) leaving a gay bar and he was publicly humiliated. I wondered, at the time, how his wife could NOT know he was gay!! You must! But she made a decision to stay with him for reasons unknown to any of us. There are all sorts of stories with individual couples and we can never know or understand their world. Safe to say, all kinds of relationships function in ways none of us might expect or tolerate ourselves. I'm thankful to have an understanding and indulgent husband who lets me have my "infatuations" and "flings" but knows I will always return to the nest! It is a type of "bargain" we've struck because he knows he loves me but can't satisfy all needs - and vice versa, I guess. I do consider it a strong relationship! There will be younger readers of this Forum who won't believe this - they should be with somebody for over 37 years to see the changes that are affected in a marriage. I know I'll go to pieces if he dies first!!!!!!!!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-06-2010 01:23 AM

Originally Posted by Seniora

CW, I was referring to myself but also noted other tactless comments from other contributors on previous topics! A bit sharp, so to say!!

The anonymity of this Forum is excellent. Sometimes when we tell our friends things they can come back to haunt us - even if alluded to in a conversation and we get that jab of regret that we ever mentioned it. That, and the fact that our credibility can be denied us because we represent ourselves as somehow less that perfect! How many of us really let our guards down?! I'm inclined to do this when I really need somebody's help and advice, but don't think it a good idea.

The woman on this thread who wants to save her 17-year marriage is admirable. We had a huge public expose here recently where a State Minister was found (by the press) leaving a gay bar and he was publicly humiliated. I wondered, at the time, how his wife could NOT know he was gay!! You must! But she made a decision to stay with him for reasons unknown to any of us. There are all sorts of stories with individual couples and we can never know or understand their world. Safe to say, all kinds of relationships function in ways none of us might expect or tolerate ourselves. I'm thankful to have an understanding and indulgent husband who lets me have my "infatuations" and "flings" but knows I will always return to the nest! It is a type of "bargain" we've struck because he knows he loves me but can't satisfy all needs - and vice versa, I guess. I do consider it a strong relationship! There will be younger readers of this Forum who won't believe this - they should be with somebody for over 37 years to see the changes that are affected in a marriage. I know I'll go to pieces if he dies first!!!!!!!!!

You know, I can't tell you how many edits I do, and the other Moderators on this Forum, to ensure that it's a friendly, warm, caring Forum, to those whom are anonymous, I can only tell you how many posts I've made

But, I hope as you become more regular, you report those posts that you find "tacky" as our regular member's do, because without you lot, we wouldn't be the team we are, nor have the "in my opinion" the best Women's Forum...

I recall that article, I guess some women stay for finances, totally different than your situation, as that's love.. Love isn't always sexual unfortunately and I can see why that would work for you and yes, a younger generation would not agree but I do believe the older generation and not so old, would agree. We've talked about that as well on this Forum for all the people that love their partners but go months and months, with no intimacy.. No connection and it hurts, but they can't see themselves doing it, some I guess can, do and some do it without the other knowing..

The op in-deed sounds as if, ahha, and is off to try to keep her marriage.. It's good if people accept everyone for who they are, in my opinion...

Thanks for the clarification, we have to remember it's the internet and the previous posters "may" think a poster is referring to them, naturally.

CW

**foxdana** · 11-06-2010 01:40 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Think she's referring to herself BD, because we know that we do read a thread and reply to that person individually, with honesty, non judging and if possible helping with the truth or a possibility to consider.. So yes, there is not point in making tactless responses, it is anonymous .. Thanks for realising what this Forum is all about now...

OP, you are a compassionate person, your not a fool but a good person with a heart. Seems the main thing you want is the love you have/had from your Husband, and not to never know him no matter what direction he needs to take.

We wish you all the success.

CW

Thanks CW,
I do feel that my marriage is very over, my partner is quite clear on that and I could not live with it any other way now. I am going to live with that and move on, when the time is right. But I feel we will always be very good friends and I wish him all the luck in the world in finding himself!