Help me help my wife find motivation to workout and get in shape...please
We are in our late 30's. I have always taken very good care of myself and have stayed in top shape. My wife quit working out several years ago and just has no interest in it anymore. I believe I am a great and encouraging husband and have used every tool at my disposal to lovingly encourage her to get back into it. I think the biggest factor is that she just doesn't care. She doesn't have a low self-esteem and otherwise we have a great relationship. I know she needs to find the motivation herself and I cannot manufacture it for her. But I'm starting to resent her for giving up on it and am afraid I'm going to be tempted to pursue women who are in great shape and have a healthy attitude. I'm just in a very tough spot and don't know what else to do.
But I'm starting to resent her for giving up on it and am afraid I'm going to be tempted to pursue women who are in great shape and have a healthy attitude. I'm just in a very tough spot and don't know what else to do.
I think you gotta figure out what the basis for your relationship is. Try to see and love your partner for who she really is - the soul inside - rather than an image of what you think she should be on the outside.
P
I was in a similar situation with my ex. We were together for 6 years and in the first 3 he gained over 80 pounds. It wasn't how he physically looked that turned me off and frustrated me in the relationship so much as it was the reasons he got there. He led a super unhealthy lifestyle. His lack of motivation and ambition were a much bigger turn off than his size. So I understand where you are coming from.
Unfortunately, you can't make her want to be active. And the more you try, the more she'll turn it into resentment of you not accepting her. It's a sticky situation.
Do you ever plan outings that are active that the two of you can do together? Long bike ride, hiking, etc.? Could the two of you join a softball team or something active like that. Maybe if the main objective was spending time together outside the house, it would be more motivating than you just telling her she needs to go to the gym.
I seem to be a lot like your wife. I quit caring too much about my weight for three years, and got about 55-60 pounds overweight. I never had low confidence, and to me, it wasn't something I cared too much about.
Regardless of my self confidence, it felt like I was on auto-pilot in life. I just did things. I didn't really have fun. I didn't really... live. I didn't have direction in my life. All in all, I wasn't me.
Anyway, the only thing that made me see the light of day was my dad sat down with me. He wasn't rude, but he was stern.
"Alli, you've gained about twenty pounds every year for the past three years. You're still a beautiful woman, but I want you to look at it from my perspective. If you continue with your life-style, that twenty pounds every year in five years is going to be a hundred pounds. In ten years, it'll be two hundred."
I'll be honest, it hurt hearing it. But -- it was the truth. He gave me baby-steps to get through it. He was with me every single day to work out, and he never left me until I was ready to step it up and do it on my own.
It might hurt your wife's feelings if you say something painfully honest, but showing her you'll be there ever step of the way will make you two grow stronger.
Good luck, and remember: til death do you part, not some ridiculous lustful body.
There has to be a reason she has given up. Do you have children? Is her work stressful? You think you are a good and encouraging husband but does she think so? She may be harboring some resentment or anger without admitting it - maybe not even to herself.
You are right, you can't make her do this, she has to want to. You need to sit down, in a calm and nonthreatening manner and talk. Tell her you are concerned about her attitude toward her health. Tell her how much you love her and want many good years with her, that you want her to stay an active, vital woman. Tell her that a healthy lifestyle is really important to you and ask her to share this with you. Maybe you can join a gym together or start power walking or running together. Take some classes in healthy gourmet cooking together? Find a way to create some shared activities.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Ditto....Originally Posted by WildChild
I might add - ride a tandem bike in the country side. It's a great physical activity while enjoying the view together.
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility. - Leo Tolstoy
The clearest explanation for failure of any marriage is that two people are incompatible; that is, one is male and the other female. - Anna Quindlen
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Wow im so glad you out this up my boyfriend thinks i need to workout just to stay looking good i have a little stomach but other than that im skinny i tell him i need motivation to i do get lazy to. He very energetic and keeps his body in very good condition. It can be hard sometimes but i love him so i will motivate myself so we can stay happy together so he doesnt wanna go to someone else.
Thank you for the input you all. I had the fear that even bringing it up makes me seem like kind of a superficial jerk. I'm not. It really isn't like that. I've tried to ignore it for a long time because of that very reason. But isn't it good to be honest? I do appreciate your input. We do have busy lives and three mid-aged children. But she doesn't work and does have lots of time during the day and plenty of energy. She just doesn't care much about this. We do a number of activities together, we are active on weekends and stuff and have similar interests, accept this one.
I appreciate your input Alli. I have tried to talk to her rather frankly before. I said "what you do with your body and how you feel about yourself doesn't just affect you, it affects me too." At first she was actually angry that I said that. Then she changed for a while...but not for long.
I'm really not looking for her to have a hard body all of a sudden and become a fitness guru....just to feel great about herself and, honestly, I want to be attracted to her physically. It is completely within her control, so it's hard for me to just accept status quo.
I'm not sure if this will work for you or not..
But my Cousin kinda let her self go and gained about 20 lbs and had a lil Flab going on. Nothing huge but her hubby made a comment about it and really Pizzed her off , she was more hurt I think though because she realized it was true.
Anyway, this was 2 summers ago, so her Hubby let it ride for a few months. Then he got her a " Special Gift" for Christmas that year. It was a full day at a Spa, the relaxing kind with Manicures and Full Body Massages and Mud Baths and Steam rooms, he purchased hers and a friends " Day for the Girls" package.
Shelly thought it was a Sweet Gift having a day to be spoiled and pampered. Now the " funny " part is, that when she went, she said she enjoyed most of it, except when she got the full boby massage..
She said she realized she was outta shape when the Massuse was kneading her fat and flabby skin.
And realizing that.... she then knew she had let herself go and that if she felt self consience having a
stranger rub their hands all over her outta shape boby, she then decided to do something to get back in shape, because she knew that was what her hubby was seeing and feeling when he touched her or was intimate with her.
Shelly made the choice to get healthy again, all on her own, it being Her Decision ( in her mind ).
Little does she know, that that was her hubby's plan all along. To have her realize she was letting herself go and for her to decide to make an effort. She is back in shape and he is planning on taking her to Hawaii for their Anniversary this summer.
She will have no problem donning a bathing suit & frolicking in the surf and sand.. Knowing she will look Great.
If you want your wife to lose weight because you want her to feel good about herself that is one thing, if you want her to lose weight because you fear for her health that is one thing if you want your wife to lose weight because you will cheat on her with someone skinnier if she doesn't... thats a whole nother ball game all together. It sounds like she's happy with herself, so its not about her own personal self-esteem, it sounds like you are more concerned with what she looks like than how healthy she is... and you should examine the level of your own love for her that being the case.
Its a selfish request, its change for me, or i will find someone else. If you were to lose your hair (maybe you already have) would you expect her to love you any less? If with age your erections were not as rockhard as they once were when you first married would you expect her to love you any less? If you hurt your back and couldn't perform in ways some young stud would , would you expect her to love you any less?
She married you, she promised to love you in good and bad and forsake all others for you... you'd hope she meant it, and she'd hope you did too. You should have added a will love you forever, be faithful forever unless you gain weight vow... then see if she would have signed on the dotted line. But no, you didn't add that provision... you are choosing to encorperate it now... lose weight or I will cheat... though you don't say it... its what you think in your mind.
If you want her to be fit for her health, eat healthy with her. Buy healthy food. Tell her how beautiful she is... so that she will want to be that. Men that put down their wives in an effort to get them to lose weight usually reach the opposite result. Make her feel bad about herself, lower her self-esteem and worth and that won't make her push herself towards excellence, but rather, defeat.
Encourage her, help boost how she feels about herself and if you talk about weight talk about in terms of health not as adultry prevention... because it sounds like a coppout. Like you are just looking for an excuse to cheat. I tell you though... there are probably men that would line up at the door for a shot with your wife... if you decide you deserve something better than her... instead of cheating, let her know you will be seeing other people ... so that she could see other people as well.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
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