Thread: Further Damage by the One Closest to Me

Though my best friends are guys, any other guys in my life have been issues. I mention these early things because though I take ownership of my bad decisions, things that happened had a profound effect on who I am now. I am sorry it’s so long but it was like a leak-I couldn’t stop it once it started.

It started with my dad. When his dad died he never got over it & he started getting abusive. He’d go from being happy to angry in seconds, though he was always “up” around his friends & at work. He’d call me stupid & fat & said he wished I’d never been born because he wanted a boy and they had me instead and it was such an awful disappointment. My mom turned a blind eye & my sister was scared of him so I was alone in standing up to him & got the worst of it. As I got older he’d say that I’d better try & look good because that’s the only way I’d get a guy but since I’m impossible to love they’d still end up leaving anyway. My friends didn’t know the situation, & the ones who had a taste of it stopped being my friends. He said I’d end up rotting in the ground one day, too, on the way home from a classmate’s funeral, with my friend in the car. Needless to say I had no friends. Years later he was rushed to the hospital & when I got there he loudly told my sister that I’d ruined his marriage and that he’d disowned me & only had one daughter now. Years after that he had heart failure & allowed me & my mom to take care of him since he wanted to die at home. After a few weeks he’d at least say hi & later we’d have brief conversations. He died 6 months later.

I went through a series of bad relationships: one guy threatened suicide if I left him, another said that as a Christian (& though I’m Christian, too) he couldn’t keep dating me because I was leading him down a “dark & evil path.” And they all cheated & left me for someone better. Then about 5 yrs. ago I met “P”-he was older, smart, handsome & funny & after getting to know each other we began dating. He was great until a few months in. He became abusive-he threw a plate at me when I made him lunch for him because he wanted to make it himself; pushed me; slammed me against walls; pushed a dresser over onto me, tried to drive us into a bridge embankment only to be cut off my anther vehicle which forced him to slow down. He raped me repeatedly. Sometimes when I’d get upset afterward he’d leave to “find a real woman who isn’t a cold b***h” & would say “I’m a real man, not a c**t like you. I have needs.” I even ended up in the hospital because he forced sex when I had an infection. Sex made it worse and it spread to my kidneys. I had no friends and wasn’t supposed to see my family because they were “out to get him.” He said he’d hurt my family if I didn’t do what he said or told anyone.

Finally, after 1.5 years he left me. Months later I got a call from “P’s” family who I’d never talked to/met & that he was estranged from. “P” had just shown up at their house & kept saying I was mad at him because they’d told me he raped a girl, that people stole his money & were trying to hurt him, & kept insisting he had brain damage because he’d slept at a funny angle & his brain didn’t get enough oxygen. They hadn’t spoken to him in years but felt something was wrong. They got my # from his phone & called to see what I knew about his behavior & raping a girl. To sum things up, he was acting crazy & they wanted him 51-50’d (admitted to a psych ward against his will). He was staying with them in the meantime until he threatened his sister-in-law who was so scared that she hid in a closet with a gun & called the police because he wouldn’t leave. I explained he’d been bad for a long time but these behaviors were new. Then they gave me his true back-story including that he’d raped his step-niece when she was 16 & he was 32 (it turns out she was the girl he kept telling his family I was mad at him for raping), that he used to do & sell cocaine, stole money from a benefit for his ill friend. For months they tried everything but the hospital wouldn’t commit him because he’d act fine when he was there. It was only when he was back home that things were bad again.

After all that I was in a bad place and felt worthless, dirty, damaged, used. After four yrs. I finally felt ok to date again & joined eHarmony & met “M.” He was 33 (I’m 29) & we instantly connected. He wasn’t perfect but he was the nice guy I’d always wanted & needed. We had very similar views on big issues (family, love, career, morals/values). He’s Armenian & had moved here for college. His dad had died unexpectedly the year before so his mom and brother moved in with him since they had no source of income. He was in grad school and because we were both so busy and lived many hours apart we invested time e-mailing, texting and talking on the phone. He was an amazing person: caring, thoughtful, ambitious, sensitive, interesting. I asked if me being white would be an issue since Armenians tend to want “pure” bloodlines. He said it wasn’t an issue because his family isn’t prejudiced. Later, I met his family & wanted badly for them to like me since he’s close with them & they live together. I thought they didn’t like me, but he assured me they did. He brought up the future: living together & marriage. I said I was looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage within the next few years. He said he wanted that, too, & that his life needed to be more than just work. He told me he did want to marry me when his career was more established, as he has fierce competition for jobs because he’s in the same field many other immigrant students are. If he had to move much farther away he suggested that we move in together because it seemed like a logical next step.

I knew I had to tell him about my sex issues after all the damage “P” had done. He was caring & understanding & sex wasn’t his first priority. He’d had one relationship/sexual partner before me because his family lived in Egypt during normal dating years & Christian & Muslims can’t date each other. When sex did enter the picture, I had flashbacks & got really mad at him for getting off on something that was so painful for me. I was sometimes awful to deal with because I didn’t know how to have a normal relationship. I was afraid he’d leave, that he only wanted me for sex, etc. He was supportive but said it was draining on him & I needed to trust him. I didn’t want that, so I went through the painful process of working through that pain, trust him & not blame him other’s behaviors.

All was ok until his b-day. Since his family doesn’t do much for b-days, I told him I’d be there on Sun. & was planning some surprises & mentioned it during some other calls. Then days before his b-day he mentioned his mom wanted to go to a church festival on Sunday. I waited for him to mention our plans but he said nothing. After a few days, I asked about the festival & he said they were going. I told him I was ticked off & hurt that he’d entirely forgotten I’d planned a special day for his b-day. He then asked why I was mad because he meant that his mom wanted to go but he wouldn’t if I was coming over there so no, they weren’t going. That ticked me off even more because I’d just asked him 2 min. before & he’d said they were going. We got into a fight & it dragged on for a couple weeks because he refused to apologize & said he did nothing wrong & if I thought he did it was my problem. I never called him names, got sarcastic, passive-aggressive or made personal attacks against him. I did said that I loved him but putting this on me was sh**y behavior.” He then said I was a bad person & would never be with someone who thought such things of him & was mad at me because of it. I mentioned I was concerned about his personal attacks, defensiveness & being so stubborn that facts are ignored & how that would bode in the future. He said he was just hurt & because he cares more the hurt is worse & that’s not the way he normally deals with things.

There were also some issues with his mom. She was completely dependent on him: any time she wanted to do something or go somewhere he had to take her because she can’t drive, has to stay & translate for her because she doesn’t speak English & has to pay for it because he’s the only one who works (his brother’s in school). When we first met in-person she called him & I thought she was making sure he was ok since it was online dating. However, every time we got together she called 5-6 x’s. She’d call to tell him about something on the news, when our movie was over to see how it was, and when we were at the mall because she wanted to know what we were doing. She’d also call & have him get groceries. As we saw each other one day every 4-6 wks., having him run errands when we were out seemed a little thoughtless. But I thought maybe it was a cultural difference, so I didn’t bring it up. But then there were issues when he’d visit me. She’d call 5-6 x’s & had a timeline. One visit was particularly heavy because we were talking through the whole rape/sex issue. I asked him when he needed to leave & he said 5 p.m. I asked him why he needed to leave so soon, as he’d arrived only a few hours before. He said that his mom wanted him back so he could pick up milk & bread. I was dumbfounded & asked why she hadn’t had him do it the day before & he said he didn’t know. I still thought she disliked me, but “M” insisted that he was softening her up, & that it took time to win her over because she’s very stubborn.

In June, he started a summer internship. He was really stressed and worked 14-16 hrs. a day, wasn’t sleeping well, and had no time, & put in the same hours on the weekends so he’d finish his papers so he can graduate this year. Though we still talked nightly the conversations were pretty short, & he was so focused on his work that he was distracted & sometimes I felt like a pest to him. I sent him little care packages & texts & tried to be very understanding because he needed my support & had warned me how busy he thought he’d be. As the summer wore on, he started acting funny. I asked him what was wrong & he said he didn’t love me anymore & needed to focus on school. This came out of nowhere & after talking things through I found that his mom had been harping on how he has to do well, & get a good job since they’re all dependent on him. She also intimated that I was a distraction from his work. I was stunned. I had canceled plans before, so he could make submission deadlines for conferences and journals work, let him have as much time as he needed to work on things, didn’t complain when I wasn’t his #1 priority because he had to graduate this year and never complained about his work schedule or the occasional 1 minute phone call even when I felt insecure. I kept stressful parts of my life to myself because he had enough to worry about, & didn’t complain about. He then apologized & said he didn’t mean it; he was just tired & stressed. Then he said he loved me & was lucky that I was so understanding.

I was sure his family hated me but he kept saying they didn’t. During one call he mentioned going to the beach with them & that he wanted me to go but that I’d have to go on a different day. I was puzzled as to why & he admitted they did hate me & thought I was a bad person. I asked why that had this impression & he said it was because we got into an argument on the phone & his mom said if it were the right person we wouldn’t argue, & that he didn’t feel he could bring me around them & that I wasn’t allowed in their home. I then asked what he’d said to defend me & he say he didn’t because they’d made up their minds already. This led to another argument, as I was aghast. He started getting nasty, just daily coming up with little put-downs & thinking the worst of me.

We got through that & were good until August. He was so stressed & felt so pressured about graduating on time & do the best he could. He mentioned that a few hours earlier his friend had asked him to go camping for the long weekend & he would be out of touch for a few days. I nicely asked how it was that when we made plans 6 weeks in advance you couldn’t stay more than a day, & that we’d been together a year & he’s never spent a weekend with me because he always had to get home to his mom, yet his friends call a few hours in advance & his mom is fine with him being gone for 4 days. He apologized & said he thought of it like that. I brought up his being distant & acting cold lately. That conversation boiled down to this: he didn’t love me never had & never will; we aren’t compatible (as he weights 1 thing different as being equal to 99 the same); that he was planning on just up & moving when he got a job, never planned on telling me, & figured if I didn’t hear from him after awhile I’d get the idea & that he definitely was going to want to live with me & didn’t even want me in the same city. He said he thought of me as a temporary girlfriend & he’d get a good Armenian girl when he graduated & since she’s Armenian she’d be better than me & would understand him much better. I asked him about wanting marriage & living together since he’d brought both up on so many occasions. He said that he was “only kidding” about marrying me & thought I knew he was joking, & also said that he’d said it because he thought it’s what I wanted to hear and should have thought it through before telling me over & over. He acted like he couldn’t fathom why I was hurt & furious, then got mad at me because I was upset with him. He then said I’m not marrying kind of girl & in the future I’d do something horrible & he’d never talk to me again. He also said he just didn’t want to hurt me, then said he might change his mind, that we could still have sex as long as I knew we weren’t together, that he’d stay with me until I found someone else & that if I was really that upset he stay with me through the school year but not to think for a minute that I’d still be with him after that. After a few weeks of silence, I went there for one last try. His mom found out he was talking to me & so we had to go to the grocery store to pick up some things or else he couldn’t talk. So after all these things, I got about 20 minutes of talking. He then went back & said he was going to talk to his mom. I thought he was explaining the situation & I’d be going in soon. Instead I waited, feeling sick to my stomach in my car. For months he’d said he was talking to them about me & repairing their bad image of me. Instead, I found out later he went in to eat dinner & waited until his mom was asleep then sneaked out to see me. I was in shock & felt numb & didn’t know what to say. We then went to a motel because we had seen each other or been together in a while & both thought that was contributing to the distance we felt. We had sex & I caressed & asked him if he felt better & that I loved him. He got up & started dressing & said he didn’t love me & to him that the only thing I was good for was sex & that’s all he was interested in with me. I was appalled. He knew all my huge issues with sex because of being raped, & that I was afraid no one would every truly love me, they’d just used me for sex. He knew I’d been used as basically just a hole and had issues thinking anyone would want me at all, let alone after that. He said he didn’t know about that but that was the only thing he wanted from me. He then mentioned all these tests (??) he’d put me through that showed him who I really was & made it clear he couldn’t be with me. He then said even if he did still love me I would never know because he won’t tell me because he’s made up his mind.

I fell stupid, used , betrayed, heartbroken, devastated I’d never wanted marriage before, but I saw us being together in the future & wanted that with him because of who he was. “P” thought I was worthless except for sex, & “M” who said he wanted to marry me came to the same conclusion. I feel like I was just a “white girl phase” & that he’ll find an Armenian girl that has my happiness, the kind I deserved to finally have after all I’d gone through. In my 29 yrs. I’ve only truly been in love once, & that was with “M.” It took me 29 years to find that once only to be used, & I don’t know that I’ll ever find it again. I don’t trust people at all. & it’s like these “nice guys” seek me out because they sense I’m damaged & think I’ll put up with anything they do, no matter how cruel or violent. They see me as a challenge, as something to wear down & break. Guys just want sex & I’ve never had sex outside an exclusive relationship, & it’s such a sensitive thing to me that when things would get to the point I had to explain them I never heard from them again. I was used & damaged & they wanted something sexy, young & fun, who will let them do anything to them, no matter how degrading because every young girl wants to be a porn star nowadays. I’m just a bed warmer to them, something to play with until someone better comes along & there’s always someone better. I’m no one’s final choice. I’m in the process of gaining a bunch of weight on purpose, because I naively hope that I might find someone to actually love me for me. I’ve tried the other way many times. But I was never skinny enough or pretty enough to make them love me. I was never enough to make any of them stay. And I’d never, ever do this but…I don’t have kids and as I get older I get the feeling that children would be the only way to get them to stay, because me-just me-will never be enough and they’ll never stay around. All this coupled with business things, money issues, my sister in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic (sound familiar?), my mom having two cancer scares, a dying pet, etc. have broken me. The thought of being with other guys literally makes me nauseous. Money is so tight right now so therapy isn’t an option.

So what was this all about anyway? Why? & what was the point?