Think I want a divorce but easily manipulated

**curlygirl18** · 11-10-2010 11:53 AM

Hi everyone. I'm new here but wanted some sound advice. I have been married for four years and consider the relationship over.

A bit of history: we married when I was 22 and shortly after we were married, about six months, he was arrested for doing crack. He was gone all the time and I didnt know why. I forgave him and dealt with all that, the lack of money, the nights alone - needless to say it was a horrible way to start our marriage.

We worked throught it. A year later I heard that he cheated on me but he denied it up and down even though the "other woman" talked to my friend and was adamant it happened.

Still stayed.

Last year he was arrested for suspicion of DUI but let off with reckless driving and again I stuck with him. Recently, someone accused him of cheating again.

Regardless of all this stuff and how clearly I have the lowest self-esteem ever, I loved him and wanted to stay with him. Besides this, after the first two years he started to always be gone, hanging with friends, doing what he wanted, I haven't wanted to have sex with him in at least a year, and we have nothing in common. We hang out rarely, and about 10 months ago I started hanging out with my friends more, three times a week, not caring where he was. It was time for me.

Throughout the majority of this marriage I have been unhappy, alone, lonely, and stuck because I was scared. Hanging out with friends showed me I'd be happier alone and I deserve better. And within the last month I have realized I would rather be alone and HAPPY then miserable and staying in a relationship just to stay in it because of fear and comfort of not changing.

A huge factor has been my parents also. They are EXTREMELY religious and divorce is an incredibly horrible thing to them and I have huge issues of pleasing them. Because of this my fear of disappointing them is great.

A week and a half ago, my husband went out of town on business and I had the house to myself for five days. I can't even describe the immense joy I had by myself! I did nothing out of the ordinary but being alone felt incredible. I watched movies, did what I want, with no fear of drama, no problems at all. This was another huge moment for me and I knew that if I was happier being alone than I need to be done. So when he returned I told him I was unhappy and it escalated into a massive argument which resulted in him shutting down. For five days he treated me crappy, wouldn't talk to me, accused me of cheating on him, etc.

So I finally felt strong enough to be done, yay!

Then my parents started hounding me about counseling "go to counseling, you dont want to be single and alone" blahblahblah and I have felt pressured over the years with him more than anything and the pressures continue. To top it off, I asked him to stop contacting me until I contact him and he still sends me a nightly text.

Last night it was that he was going to get counseling. I dont respond, but these types of texts once again make me hestitate, make me unsure, make me feel guilty that i'm not trying everything, etc.

I am strong! I need to be strong! But him and my parents make me doubt. Him saying he woudl go to counseling makes me think he would try to change...but the fact of the matter is, I was not happy for years with him.

I cannot be so easily manipulated just because he said he would try counseling. That won't change the fact that i'm not in love with him nor do I even want to sleep with him.

I need advice, encouragement, anyone been through soemthing like this? I have an appointment with a therapist for myself on Monday but am barely hanging on until then.

For years he would say sorry, say he'd change, but it'd be short lived and I always went along with it. Now that he says he would see a counselor I am ONCE AGAIN willing to sacrifice my own happiness?

I KNOW I'd be happier alone - I have seen it! But he knows what to say to make me question everything.

I'm sorry for rambling!

**respectstepmoms** · 11-10-2010 12:12 PM

I can sense you feel much animosity and disappointment from the marriage. You seemed trapped in a sense because of your parrents too. I will say you need to search inside yourself and as much as you think you want a divorce you may find great love inside that your not seeing right now due to all the disappointments. I am sort of in the same situation. I still realize though I love him but I have lost all respect for him due to all the lies and betrayal this alone can take a great deal away when you feel these things and it will make you feel as though you want out. I do daily but then I have to regroup and make sure its time. I hear in your wods you gave up on the relationship and moved on even though you were still married I call that building up a wall of defense to protect yourself from hurt and disappointment. When you do that you prevent yourself from being able to see feelings that still lie from within you that could hurt you greatly later. I have to say I agree with your parents if he is willing to seek counseling I would be cautious with your heart but open minded and try counseling for if the marriage works or not in the end counseling can mend your own heart and then again it may open a door for the 2 of you to open many new doors for your future and close the ones that has hurt you so bad in the past. We all look at taking the easy way out thats divorce especially after we find so much anger. We take vows in sickness and health, this doesnt mean we allow ourselves to be walked on but we are to give an open mind and heart to what we commit to one another. It is possible for all of us to change if we are willing to. I hope this helps, keep your head up and try to think through the whole picture not just through the disappointments. God Bless

**rcoreyus** · 11-10-2010 12:44 PM

I understand the sanctity of marriage, but it sounds like he has already broken that. What is important is what matters to you, not to your parents. If YOU are concerned about the religious issues, then speak to your priest (pastor, imam, etc - don't know your religion), let him know what has happened so far - the drug use, the cheating etc, see what he suggests.

Unless you are bound by your religion, I strongly suggest you leave - I don't see how you can be happy with this person.

**auntie_awesome** · 11-11-2010 05:45 AM

At the risk of being considered awful.....why are you with him? Who cares if your religion wants you to stay. Who cares if your parents or family wants you to stay with him. Who cares if he wants you to stay.

You are happy when he's gone. You don't love him.

What about you and what you want? Your parents aren't living your life. He isn't living your life. Your friends aren't living your life....only you are. Only you feel fear, embarrassment, anger and so on when he's in trouble with the law, only you feel happy, calm and relaxed when it is just you. 1 out of ever 2 people get divorced...there is no sanctity of marriage anymore. Be happy, find someone who treats you good and loves you. Find someone who you love.

You only have one life. That's it. You don't get a repeat later on down the road and a chance to be happy. If you want to leave, don't listen to those around you telling you not to. Likely they don't know the whole story or are trying to get you to make decisions based on their lives. If you don't know how to leave, call a licensed counselor in your area, the YWCA, the Salvation Army or even a church and ask what you need to do. All of these people can point you to places to live, help you get a job or further your education.

One more thing for you to consider....no one ever stays out of trouble for long if their spouse or bf/gf is constantly in trouble with the law. Eventually something will happen where you end up in jail due to something he did and roped you into, or being questioned for his actions.

**WildChild** · 11-11-2010 07:18 AM

Marriage is essentially a contract. You BOTH agree to certain limitations, behaviors and benefits. When one person completely disregards the agreement, the contract is null. He has broken it more than once. He doesn't value your marriage or you. You don't know what diseases he may bring into your life, what if he gets another woman pregnant? Gets into trouble with drug dealers? Gets into trouble with the law that runs into big money to deal with? I don't know what your state's laws are but in mine drug stuff can result in your property, including the place you live, being seized by the state.

On top of all of that, you are miserable.
If your parents don't want a divorce, they don't have to get one. This is your marriage or lack of marriage, not theirs. Your husband has made his choices, now you can make yours. Are you financially dependant? Do you have children? Do you have some place to go if and when this gets ugly?

I've been where you are. My first husband had multiple affairs, was doing and dealing drugs, was in and out of jobs, treated me like garbage. We rode a roller coaster for a few years. I would talk to him, say I was leaving and he threatened to kill himself. Then he started threatening to kill me if I left, then he just started to threaten to kill me as a power play. No one in my family had been divorced, my mother told me it was "just how men are, you have to learn to live with it". Then she got cancer and died and I just didn't feel like I could add to the family turmoil. One day. like you. I just said I've had enough. It was a good choice. He engaged in some real drama but I packed and left. I lost financially, I had paid for most everything but it was still a good choice.

You do what is right for you. Do what will bring you happiness.

**curlygirl18** · 11-11-2010 12:13 PM

Thank you everyone for your answers.

I am finishing school with my Master's degree and have a steady job with a steady income so I am very capable of taking care of myself. I have no children - just pets and I do have places to go if this gets ugly.

auntie_awesome - I stayed with him because I was afraid of change, I will admit that. I am greatly afraid of change, it has brought me nothing but depression in the past and I stayed with him in the hopes things would get better. Everytime things got a little better, they fell back down. I stayed with him because it was EASIER and I could be comfortable being stagnant. But eventually I realized I want to be with someone who craves me. And it's not him.

I am seeing a therapist on Monday. I am greatly looking forward to this.

I am not technically bound by my religion...I just have a huge problem with disappointing my Evangelical Christian parents who strongly beleive the Bible says it's wrong. I am looking forward to discussing this insane need for approval by them on Monday.

He is still texting and saying he is sorry, he loves me, he will change, he will get a counselor, he wants us to be happy together. I have ignored them. I believe he thinks we can work out but frankly, even if he gets help I dont think he will stick with that and it wont matter to me. I am not in love with him anymore. Not in the least.

I strongly believe I will be happier alone. I just need the strength to follow through. He is still out of the house yet I am still manipulated by him. Don't misundersatnd...when he texts I am not wanting to get back together with him because I love him. I would do it because it would be easier. I would do it because maybe he WOULD change. But I know myself...deep down, I still wouldnt be happy. I still wouldn't love him. Even if all of his problems were fixed, we still have nothing in common and I don't enjoy him even when he is at his best.

I want to be happy. And that's without him.

I believe I am strong enough to ignore his texts. Now I just need to get strong enough to tell him. And to tell my parents.

Thank you so much. Any advice on how to not be manipulated by texts like that?

**WildChild** · 11-11-2010 12:23 PM

Block them. Or just don't read them.

**auntie_awesome** · 11-11-2010 01:53 PM

Change is terrifying, I do completely understand that. But consider that if you don't make a change, you know you won't be happy or get happier. If you do try to make a change though...you have a chance for happiness that isn't there right now.

No one can say change is always for the better, but sometimes you have to take that step, or a step back to have a wonderful life. *hugs*

You do not need to explain anything to your parents if you don't want to. When you tell them, you can simply say "My marriage/relationship is over and perhaps I'll explain it to you further some day in the future, but for right now, I just need to manage this change in my life" Then cut the conversation off.

**Halle** · 11-11-2010 02:02 PM

I totally agree with wild child. You need to do what is right for you, and I'm glad to hear that you are going to see a therapist on Monday. That is a big step! Good luck.

**curlygirl18** · 11-12-2010 08:55 AM

He came over yesterday to get some stuff and asked me if I was still in love with him. I told him I wasn't. He was very "emotional". I put emotional in quotes because he acted like he was going to cry the entire time and was all smushed face (you know what I mean) but didnt shed a single tear. Maybe he had been crying already but either way...

I felt good telling him that but at the same time I felt sad that he was in pain and has no place to live. However, those are his own problems, not mine, and even though I feel bad picturing him like that, it is not my responsibility. He has plenty of friends and he has family so if he wasn't so stubborn and prideful he could stay with them.

My mom called and I ignored her. I am not ready to talk to them and feel that I will ignore them until Monday when I can speak to the counselor. I did not tell him last night I wanted a divorce either but I assume he knows since I no longer love him. Then again, I will have to tell him soon.

Another concern is that he wanted a key to the house. He had texted me that before he came over. I did not give it to him and when he got there he did not bring it up but unfortunately I know he has a right to it. I am not going to give it to him and see if he fights for it but if he comes back I will leave.

I am having a difficult time with my parents though...their constant calling and demanding counseling. I know divorce is a very serious thing and they think I am taking it lightly. I am not. But I need to be happy. And that is not with him.

I need to get stronger!