god i wish i could stop ing things up with my boyfriend, its like we get over one problem and i create the next. sometimes i just feel like god (if there is one) is trying to make a poiint with me. As soon as i mess up i can see stright away what i should of done, if its that i shoulda put him before some i didnt know or if i shouldnt of been so bloody dozy! or explained things better so it didnt look like i was lying. but now he thinks am doing it coz i dnt care, or that i am just thinking about my self and not us, but that not the case at all i love him with all my heart but i dont think he sees that and i know am pushing him further and further away, with each nexts mess up. sometimes i really hate my self for it but he just thinks thats my way of getting attention and getting out of it with the ?crocadile tears? i feel so lost i just wanna be normal. some times i really think ive git something wrong with me like am slow or something, coz i never seem to learn things never seem to go in. and now it got to the point where i know its just a matter of time before he ends it and i have no choice but to except it. i no am annoying and clumsy, but its not because its not my stuff its cz i cant help it, i just wish i ada bit more common sense and could do the right thing instead of the wrong, am just so scared and lost what can i do?

Well, first of all you need to take a deep breath...you didn't really say WHAT exactly you have messed up? You said you are clumsy and he thinks you lie and do things just to make him mad. Start with the most recent thing that has caused you to feel this way so we can all try to help you. Without knowing specifics, it is tough to give some advice! Cheer up though, we are all great listeners and try to help out as best we can!

Don't worry everyone has a bad time and you just need to say what comes from your heart. I keep doing the same thing. I think I am crazy. Maybe we both need to realize that it's life sometimes that can make you feel crazy. But we're not. I know I'm a good person I just feel like I keep screwing things up too. I need to file for divorce but I am scared of what tomorrow holds. But the sun keeps coming up and it will for you too. Speak with your heart.

Well what are you doing that's so bad? Sounds like it's not as bad as your making it to be :P

Do you believe you don't deserve to be loved, or loved in a stable manner? That would be where you start. Change your belief, change your reactions!

To be honest i think alot of the way i feel about myself has to do with my mother passing away at the end of january, i got taken into care when i was 7 as she wasnt well, and from that point on i cut my self off from her completly on a emotional level, i couldnt even kiss or hug her.

i feel guilty about it although i know it wasnt my fault i cant help but feeling the guilt, she died very suddenly and there is alot of things that where left unsaid,and the last thing she wanted before she died was to see me, but then she told me to go away, and died later on that night, the nurse told me she told her she didnt want be me to be scared of the way she looked.(all the tubes etc)

as i suppose everyone in my stuation feels, i just wish i had one more night to just hold her and tell her that i did love her,i cant help but feel though i could of done something, if i would of visited her, i would of realised she was ill (she died of phemonia) and maybe she would still be here now.

so the situation am in now, about "always messing up" i think it has to do with that. i just feel so usless, and selfish because although i dont mean to when i look at the situations that cause the arguments i am putting myself first, like buying clothes taht i dont need, or food that ends up going off before i eat it, when money right now is very tight. or just being dame right lazy thinking the clothes are ok on the floor, ill just watch the telly, but am not working so when my boyfriend comes home obviously hes going to be pissed off the place is a tip. but when we have an argument i get a bit of ummph tahts leads to me cleaning and saving for a few days but then it goes back to normal.

what else, erm well to be honest because i do have this disliking to myself and i do sometimes self harm, i suppose i feel soem sort of gratification of been told off, like am punished and i feel i desevrve it, so a part of me wonders if i do dilipratly cause the arguments.

now proabably my biggest problems which does annoy the out of my boyfriend am sure of and i think this may have something to do with been taking into care. i am terried of been regected/abandoned i am in constant fear hes going to leave me, i mean its bad he'll go the toilet in a public place and if hes more that a certain amount of time ill start thinking had he gone out of another exit? has he left me here?, is he not comming back?. i no its but i cant explain to you that fear and panic that goes through me , am the same constanly fearing he doesnt want to be with me anymore, but when i sit down and reationally think about it i know its . so subsequently when we argue even if it may be a one, i think its the end of the world thats it hes goin leave, and panic sets in. which is the state i was in when i wrote my first note.

now am in a "normal mood" so i hope ive explained it a bit better for you, i still do believe though am a total cluts, i could fall over air! just wish there was some way to be unclutslike!

thanx for listening

No offense, but have you ever seen a psychologist ? I've seen one and it did help me. I can relate to your sense of " always messing up " with your bf. I have a bf too and a lot of times that we've fought was because I started it. And they were things, but they were things that had to do with my insecurity of " if he doesn't do certain things than he doesn't love me enough ". Which I finally figured out that these insecuritys has to do with my father leaving me when I was seven. So every serious relationship I had turned into me pushing the men that love me away.