Thread: distant boyfriend

This is the shortend version of the story...

I have been dating this guy for almost a year and prior to dating him someone close to him who was a girlfriend /friend passed away in a car accident he was very upset about this. I was his friend prior to this happen and continued to be a friend and we would hang out and have good times and naturally an attraction started. I never pushed anything about a relationship because he was dealing with the loss of someone close to him, whether things were good with them or not he was still dealing with it. So about 4 months had passed of us hanging out and finally he wanted to start dating so i said yes. Things were great we don't fight, we started off very slow we each have our space and have good times when we are together. He never talked much about the girl we'll call her Natalie passing away, but once and awhile he would open up.
He is still in contact with her family here and there and goes to counseling sometimes with them. I never object because I think they all need each other and it will help, this year has passed and things were fine he seemed happy sometimes would have bad days and I understood that. The one year of her passing away came and he took it okay and then her b-day was next to follow same thing. he pulled away a little bit during that time, but not much.
As far as us he would give attention, and be caring and do nice things like a picnic and everything, but it seems recently he has went backwards...because a few bad things have happend like getting a ticket and small things it triggered him to go back to hating the world. He tells me maybe I am better off without him and I deserve better, he has just been in a bad mood lately. I try to understand I always remind him that he can talk to me about anything, I know the situation. I know he isn't able to give me 100% of him and his feelings because he is still coping with what happened, and I tell him that I just want a little bit more out of him. I think he feels guilty for being happy and at times he will go back to distancing himself and almost withdrawal from me. I think he is terrified to get to close to me because I might not be there. We never talked everyday because we both have busy lives and usually during the week it's crazy, but we find time to talk and to hang out during the week but we spend a lot of weekends doing fun things. Recently we talked because he told me maybe he is better off alone because of his bad moods he gets in and it's not fair to me. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said yes, and that maybe he made a quick decision by saying he should just be a alone.
I guess my reason for writing is, I don’t know the best approach for this. I don’t think he should lose his girlfriend because of this, because I do want to be with him. Do I back off and let him come to me? We already talked about things and I said it’s up to him not me where things go, and I said if I walked out the door and that was that would you be okay with things and not regret anything? And he said no he wouldn’t be okay with that. I think he needs to want to be happy and know that he deserves to be happy and it’s okay. But I don’t know how to go about this…

That's a tough situation for you. It's hard to know what he's thinking/feeling, and if this backing off could just be normal dating stuff where maybe he's having second thoughts about whether or not he wants to be with you..... or if it's his grief talking, and his fear of getting close to someone again and possibly losing them. After I lost my dad, I went through that period of being very standoffish to everyone, even my own mother. I wouldn't let myself even hug her. I couldn't allow myself to get closer to her than I already was because if something happened to her, then it would just hurt even more (in my mind). So I can understand if that's what he's doing.

Aside from the death of his friend situation......how does this person make you feel? Does he make you feel loved, wanted, desired, special?

I think I'd sit down and talk with him when things are calm and explain to him how this makes YOU feel. And tell him that while you want to be there for him through his grief, you can only take so much of the mood swings and statements made about ending the relationship. Ask him what you can do to help? And if he mentions again "maybe better off being alone"........take him at his word that this may be his way of trying to get out of the relationship though he's not quite SURE that's what he wants. Take him at his word, and let him go.