It's Over...

**Agony_Aunt** · 11-19-2010 07:46 PM

He eventually told me he is having problems with the age difference.

He told me he knows that it won't last and that some day I will leave him for a younger guy, and that he just can't continue the relationship because he knows he will end up getting very badly hurt where as I'll still be young and can move on with my life easier than he can.

So he basically has ended our relationship to avoid getting hurt by his doubts in our relationship.

I hadn't been with an older guy like him before and it was a change for me and I had to look at our relationship from a different aspect because there was alot more to consider when deciding to be in a relationship with him.. So by him ending it, I feel he's been selfish and hasn't considered my feelings??

I can understand the way he is thinking but I still feel it's un-fair what he has done. He hasn't answered my calls all week either.

I'm just confused about it, but I'm sure this has all come from our arguement a few weeks ago about my comment on his age.

So do I respect what he's doing or try to fix this?

Very confused

**caterpillar79** · 11-19-2010 09:04 PM

I'm sorry it has come to this, Aunt. I don't see any way to fix this RIGHT NOW. Give him time to air out. Meanwhile, you take care of yourself.

I believe your argument a few weeks ago was not the main reason for this break-up, but maybe the last straw. It probably has been going on in his mind for a while. You're entitled to feel it was not fair of him breaking it off just like that, but if he doesn't feel as you do, if you are not in the same page, it won't work - the relationship would end anyway. At any rate, whichever way you look at it, all break-ups are painful and hard to deal with if you have invested so much in it.

Do not second guess yourself, nor beat yourself up. It is not your fault why this happened. I don't want to be someone who says "things happen for a reason" - but when things DO happen, I know you could face them with strength amidst your weakness.

With love,

Cat

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-19-2010 09:12 PM

I'm sorry that your heart is broken. If he wants to go, I think its only fair to let him... if he thinks thats whats right for him. Sometimes the people that come into our lives aren't meant to be there forever, or at least not in the same capacity. Can you see what he is saying at all? Do you feel like anything he is saying may hold some water?

**Agony_Aunt** · 11-19-2010 10:32 PM

That is what is the most hurting part of it, that it has been going on in his mind, and obviously for a while since he'd have needed time to think about finishing it.
It's also hurtful that he didn't talk to me about it, and instead now just out of the blue told me he "can't do this relationship".

But, yes HD, I do understand where he is coming from. I can make sense of his reason's for doing it, but I find it a little selfish.

It feels like because I am younger, he see's that as an advantage to me. Because he did say to me that I have all the time in the world to move on and meet somebody new and where as in his life he doesn't have that advantage.

I think I'm just so confused about it because when you hear that a relationship has ended, the reasons for it, that come to mind are, too much fighting, or someone cheated, or it just wasn't working.
Not because you might never be able to get over the other person.

But I know he's protecting his own heart and to himself he's being cruel to be kind.

**WildChild** · 11-19-2010 11:03 PM

Oh Sweetie I'm sorry you are going through this but being older, I think I can understand his perspective. You are at different times in your life and he probably sees that you should be out exploring life and having fun. He may feel that being with him is keeping from that. Years down the road you may feel that you missed out.

It's hard to say what could be, but for now, keep busy and take care of yourself. You did express some doubts yourself not so long ago, perhaps you can take some time to see how this works for you too?

**Agony_Aunt** · 11-20-2010 01:18 AM

I haven't cried once since it happened.

And I think that is because part of me thinks he may be right, but I still wasn't expecting the relationship to end so sudden.

I can't say whether if for talks sake, in 5 years time, I would have left him for someone younger, but who's to say he wouldn't have left me for someone older than me.
Nobody knows where a relationship will be in the future. I didn't think this would have been something he'd suddenly end the relationship for.
Things had been going great, and it was just like a slap in the face but..

I think we need time apart, to see what we both really want.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-20-2010 01:35 AM

Hun

Less than a month ago, or so, you went out with your girlfriends remember? And, with a hangover went off at him about his age, telling him you will go out with your "younger friends" ....

He was already worried how long you would stay, hang about, and then this confirmed it... You've tried to retract that, he's tried to jump over it and remember when I suggested that really? You weren't exactly madly in love with him or you wouldn't have said it? And, now your really saying your mad that he left, you haven't cried, you seem to have in the back of your mind, that he would have left you for someone more his age one day as well, .......

I personally think this is all about "non trust" on both sides... You don't trust that he won't leave you one day for someone more his age and he thinks you will leave him for someone more your age and because of "that" conversation a few weeks ago, he's taken the easy way out for his heart, depart....

Make sense?

CW

**Agony_Aunt** · 11-20-2010 01:52 AM

Yes CW, makes a lot of sense.

But with my experience from this relationship was that, with both our issue's with the age and who will leave who, is one of the issue's that will arise in an age gap relationship, rather than a similar age relationship, (if that is the right way to put it).

Only in the last few weeks had I questioned "What if he leaves me for someone his age?". So I don't know if that was his insecurity rubbing off on me or I was actually starting to develop my own insecurities, although for the past year I had never any worries about this.

I haven't cried yet.. I haven't taken it in yet, I'm still asking myself WTF? How did this all this just happen?
Just guess, I didn't see this one coming around the corner.

So one of these days, probably, this week. I'm going to have that moment when I realise it really is over.

I know he's protecting his heart, and I'd never want to be the one to break it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-20-2010 01:21 PM

Well my love, here's the thing...

If it has stemmed from what occured a month ago... Do you want to save it?

If this is his reason for leaving, "fear" do you want to counter it?

If you weren't worried before, and you were happy in this relationship, really happy, don't want anyone else, do you want to tell him that?

If you say no to any of the above, then maybe the journey of that relationship is over and a new one is around the corner.

If you feel that you know your going to cry and haven't then yes, more than likely, it's "you haven't yet given up" .. so consider the above...

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-20-2010 01:41 PM

He has doubts, reservations, fears because of the age difference. That's understandable. I think you obviously had a good connection, so BOTH of you dove into it thinking perhaps the age thing wouldn't play much of a factor. But it did, and something that causes doubt and fear in a relationship is something worthy of really taking a look at. I do believe this guy cared about you alot......but I think he's wise enough to know when he needs to save himself...to let go. One thing we learn about our words is that they are not easily forgotten. Maybe now is the time that you go out and enjoy your life with people your age, doing things you want to do without having to answer to anyone about it etc. Maybe even date someone that enjoys doing the same things you do. And same for him. I think that though you believe he's being selfish...he's really doing you a big favor. Two people can love each other, but if they are not compatible it makes for a very hard life.

If he's not answering your calls....I'd stop calling. Give him what he wants right now, which is to be broken up and to not hear from you. Let him go. Time is your best friend here. Let him go...and see what happens.

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