Need Advice!

**LoveCatherine** · 11-26-2010 03:58 AM

I am dating an amazing guy, we enjoy each others company everything is great from every angle. Both going with the flow of things. However, I am feeling really insecure I don't understand why I am he gives me no reason to feel this way, I'm over-analyzing everything and he has noticed I am which is annoying him. I have a feeling a will push him away if I carry on analyzing things.
He was in a long term relationship for 7 years, and I think he was totally in love with this girl. She left him two years, and I am his first relationship since their break-up. I do not think he is hung up on her, naturally I understand he probably still cares about her, but at the same time she has caused him a lot of hurt. I know a few in-outs of there relationship but not every detail or what their relationship was like.
And I'm obsessed by it I want to know. I want him to see I'm not her and that I'm ten times the person she wasn't. I go round to his house (lives alone) and occasionally I'll clean round etc, he said to me yesterday he's grateful I do it but he doesn't expect it and he's not used to it. So I got the impression she never really was the loving caring house wife type. At the same time it he made me analyze the whole conversation to the point I was questioning him about it. And he just said that he's still getting to know me, getting used to me. Now I don't what to think or those comments???? we have been dating 14 months, is he just being cautious, I know he needs to learn to trust again!
I really just need to get over all of this and stop fighting everything over in my head and obsessing about his ex!

**teenie** · 11-26-2010 04:28 AM

14 months isn't new...you should feel secure by now. if you aren't it could be 2 things
1- he isn't letting you know that you should feel secure, in itself isn't good...
2- you have a low opinion of yourself.
so you needa i guess encourage him to make you feel secure, or find out if you shouldn't be feeling secure, or...ask yourself some questions that show you are worth him.
I was like that at first in all my relationships, but then i hear them saying really dedicated things and i flip from clingy to distant, because i feel secure.

HTH

**LoveCatherine** · 11-26-2010 04:38 AM

I am feeling clingy too.
I think it's myself making me feel this way, how do I change my low opinion of myself.

What do you mean you started to hear them saying dedicated things?

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-26-2010 08:38 AM

Clingyness generally comes from fear. Think of children and seperation anxiety... its pretty much the same thing. When things are unstable, little ones can feel insecure and cry everytime mommy leaves the room then they will go run and hold on to her leg as she goes in every room of the house, she can't go to the bathroom without the toddler banging on the door -- why? They fear the moment they are out of sight that they will be gone for good. They fear they won't come back so they feel like they need to keep them in their view at all times. Is it rational? No. And eventually they grow out of that phase with love and support.

I think when someone is clingy in a relationship its much the same -- the fear of losing someone. To get jealous, to overanalyze... to be so worried about exes all of that is rooted in one fear -- that the person you are with is going to leave you one day... and truth is -- they just might. But to live each day in that fear is to miss out on all the beauty that is being connected and sharing your life with someone you love.

Sometimes the fear of losing someone can bring about a self - fullfilling prophecy. And sometimes I think we want it that way so we can say-- see , I knew it, you weren't going to stick around, you didn't love me. So you feel justified in your hunt to find proof that they don't really want to be with you, or that they are missing an ex... or that they are looking for someone new.

Some people feel like if they are with a person every second there is no chance of them finding someone else so they are comforted with that... but its a false sense of security. Whats beautiful about a relationship is that the person is there by CHOICE... of anywhere else, they want to be with you. Not because they can't be with someone else, but because they just don't want to.

Would you want to be with him if you knew the only reason he was there was because you made it too hard for him to be anywhere else? Or would it make you feel more loved and special to know when he is spending time with you... its because its what he wants, where he wants to be.

Give him the room he needs to show you that he appreciates the time you spend togther, don't ram yourself down his throat until he can't breathe. If he loves you, if he's into you -- he will make the effort to spend as much time with you as you want to spend with him.

**BabyGirl** · 11-26-2010 09:39 AM

Originally Posted by LoveCatherine

I go round to his house (lives alone) and occasionally I'll clean round etc, he said to me yesterday he's grateful I do it but he doesn't expect it and he's not used to it. So I got the impression she never really was the loving caring house wife type.about his ex!

You have the Key to his place, You have a Key to his Heart..

You stop by and clean, because ???

He does not Expect you to go clean up after him or his past life with another. Evidently you are making a difference, after 14 months with you, his house is being cleaned to your Specifications.

You say his wife may not have been a clean home person ? Has he been a Clean home person ?
Are you moving things he may have Dear to heart ?
Are you hoping that this may be YOUR Home With Him someday

If you are feeling insecure in his " Domain " and you have a key.. Try asking him if it's OK to go over on ( Tues or Wed ) to do some weekly Cleaning or Straigtening up for your Quiet night his home.

Ask if he needs anything Special ( other than you) .. Mention ...Dusting , Carpet or floor , Bathrooms, if Grody, Bedroom . ( his ) and just be happy if he says YES..

You Don't Need to clean up after Anyone.. It makes some feel they are Slobs or too busy with other things to Be the perfect House Person..

The main point here is it is " Stressing" YOU & HIM..

If He is with YOU and SHE is Not with Him, And he is Used to ... You must talk, Share & go with the Flow..

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