She's selfish...and I'm tired of it.
We were very close friends for 3-4 years before she got married. I was in her wedding, attended the birth of her child. I was the one she called when she and her husband would fight, which started INSTANTLY after the honeymoon. He was verbally and emotionally abusive...and at times he got physical. He treated her like a queen until they got home from the honeymoon. He tricked her....and then turned on her. And I was there. For 8 years our friendship took a back burner. I rarely ever heard from her unless they were fighting at which time she wanted to vent. I got tired of calling and her always being too busy to talk...though I understood with a small child and demanding abusive husband paired with trying to go to college full time things had to be very hard for her. So...I sat back and everytime she called, I listened. That's what friends are for. Except...she never asked about me, what was going on in my life. She never asked me to do anything or tried to plan anything with me unless they were fighting and he kicked her out. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Early in the summer she left him. She had left before...for a few days at a time, but he'd beg her back and back she'd go. But this time was different. She called, told me she had left him, and asked to come stay with me one evening. I accepted her with open arms. She explained that she was done...that she couldn't stand not one more second of his treatment, that she did not love him and felt no feelings in her heart for him. She filed for divorce. For the next few months, I'd hear from her only when something drama related had happened with them, or when she was "talking" with a new guy. She'd always lie to me about it (though I have NEVER judged her) and say they were just "friends". I don't like being lied to...I knew better, and she knew I knew better. I got tired of her calling me during the work day when she knew I'd be working, just so she could talk about her "latest" drama. I stopped answering my phone and would start trying to call her back in the evenings, at which she'd never answer. So I'd end up leaving her a msg on facebook. But then every time we'd end up talking.....same stuff. She never asked about me. No longer was her bad marriage an excuse I could give her.
So...I found out just by surfing facebook last night that she and her husband got back together. They must've stopped the divorce proceedings before they were finalized. I was SHOCKED and sickened. I sent her a message "Hey girl....have I missed something?" at which she responded "you never answer your phone...lol" and I said "Maybe you should try calling sometime when I'm not at work.
" and that's the last I heard. I've seen her on FB three times since that message, and she has said nothing.
I've had it up to HERE with it. So next time we do talk, and it will eventually happen....should I tell her how I feel about the way she's handled our friendship over the years? Or should I say nothing?
"Be what you're looking for."
"The next time you're thinking of kicking someone when they're down, offer them your hand and help them back up instead."
Speak up or walk away....
I chose to walk away from two 30+ year friendships.
Friendship is a two way street, with both "lanes" being equal. In my case they became one way streets and I was doing all of the driving. So I just walked away.
It sucks, but it's the way it is....
BD, it sounds like this relationship is best left to die. You have done all you can and you get no benefit, She has gone back to the same person she always complains about. She must like her relationship with him. Maybe making up is so memorable that it is worth the pain for her. If you continue, she will sooner or later get to blaming you for not stopping her from getting back together with him.
I walked away from a friendship for the same reasons you have listed. It was always about her and her drama, and when I would try to talk, or need a shoulder to lean on, she would turn it back to her. I didn't talk to her about it. Circumstances didn't allow for it. After several years of being there for her and having everything always be about her, I had a miscarriage and it was the one time I needed things to be about me and my grief. I could not even fathom the thought of talking to her and she turning things back to her. So I just walked away. I didn't return phone calls, emails or anything. Looking back, that was not the best way to handle things, but once I pulled away until I healed, too much time had past and I just couldn't or didn't want to go back.
If you value the friendship, talk to her and give her that chance to fix it. If you have had enough, walk away. It all depends on whether you think this is a friendship worth saving. Just because you have been friends for years does not mean it is a friend worth keeping. If she is toxic for you, walk away.
Jns - She sort of did that when she left him and filed for divorce. She wasn't mad at me, but did say things like "Why didn't you just smack me into reality YEARS ago?" and I explained to her then that I did often give her my opinion on things, but that telling her what to do and making her feel judged would've only created more stress for her at the time and that the bottom line is that she's going to do what she wants regardless of what anyone says. She laughed...knowing what I had said was true.
She doesn't feel good about this decision to go back with him. I know that. That's why she's avoiding me. Other than some of her close family, I'm the only one that knew what she went through during her marriage. But after she filed for divorce, she told others, and had to reveal more information in custody hearings. And she knows that she told me to my face "I do not have any love for him anymore......I'm just done...". And now she takes him back. Yes........she either likes the drama, or can't handle being alone....or maybe a combo of both.
Lunar - Like you, I don't think I'll contact her and initiate this conversation, but if she contacts me again to tell me all about why she's back with him, how he's changed, etc......I think I'll intervene and tell her how I feel about how all of this has played out over the years. Or maybe I"ll not say anything......so that she sees how genuinely uninterested I am in her latest drama. I dunno...... :\
"Be what you're looking for."
"The next time you're thinking of kicking someone when they're down, offer them your hand and help them back up instead."
I'll be the first to admit how hard it is to either repair or walk away from a bad friendship... I still have yet to master this skill myself.
I think you owe it to her to talk to her about how YOU feel for once. Tell her that you love her, want to support her, but it is so hard when she only calls to tell you what horrid things are going on, and then proceeds to do nothing about it. Tell her that it would be nice if you could talk about more than whatever drama is going on with her at the moment. She might get mad and end it there. So be it, I guess. Or maybe she'll stop with the selfishness and become a good friend. Or maybe she'll just keep on doing what she's been doing and you'll have to decide if it's worth having her in your life when it means you have to deal with her one-sided friendship.
Sounds good writing it - but doing it is a whole other ballgame!
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm with Seeker on this,
Walk away. She only comes around when she needs you,
She may considered you a friend at one time, but that time has passed.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
The more I think about it, the more I agree. And I'm not really walking away from anything, cause there's really been nothing there for years other than me being there when she wants to talk. I think it took her leaving him for me to realize that I couldn't use their bad relationship and her stressful life as an excuse for being a cruddy friend.Walk away. She only comes around when she needs you,
Oh, btw, she's also the one I posted about a few months ago that would ask me if she and her 4 year old hellian could come to my place and stay the weekend (I live about an hr away from her).
So yeah...I think I'm just gonna continue "avoiding" her and just not feel bad when she calls if I don't answer. She'll get the picture soon enough. And if she cares enough to ask why...I'll be more than glad to tell her.
"Be what you're looking for."
"The next time you're thinking of kicking someone when they're down, offer them your hand and help them back up instead."
I figured that.Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster
And as you said, you're not missing out on much.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
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