Step-father's role
Ladies; particularly those from homes with remarriages; i HAVE A PROBLEM AND NEED ADVICE TO "KNOW MY ROLE". I married my wife four years ago. We are very happy. Approx. one and a half years ago her 27 yoa daughter lost her job in an area where the unemployment rate was in excess of 30%. We invited her to move out to where we are and to live with us until she could "get on her feet". Things were ok with the usual rough spots until she met and started dating "Sluggo". As you can tell I am really his fan. he is 30 yoa. But he has two children from two previous relationships; one of which he has given up parental rights on and the other the mother refuses him any regular visitation. He 'works' as a pizza server at a local pizza place (part-time). He lives in an "apartment" which his parents pay for but he rents out two of the rooms to "roomates(I don't think his parents know). Anyway He has the financial responsability of a teenager and my step-daughter is now "engaged" to him. They can "guess" at my response. When told I said "congradulations" but I doubt I fooled anyone. Do I keep my mouth shut and let her make her own "mistakes" or do I pull her aside for a "serious" talk about what a total "loser" this "Slug" is ? She is buying a life of misery here. He isn't going to change. He isn't going to support her or any children they have. He can't even support himself.; He has some serious health problems that he won't address and they will get worse even crippling if he doesn't follow Dr.'s advice. My wife thinks she will reguard any criticism of him as a NEED to defend him and that it will alienate her; I understand but feel that I am being derelict in my "duty" to let this go "forward" without someone (me) saying: "WTF are you DOING?"
What do you gals think...would you want someone to "gutcheck" you on something like this?
Your step daughter was already "grown" when you married her mother, what is your relationship like with her? If you have not established a good relationship with her, it will fall on deaf ears. You do have the right as a step father to discuss your concerns about the engagement, tread lightly but lovingly. Good Luck!
Before you talk about what you want ~ Be happy with what you have
Update for those who have read this and may be wondering. Talked briefly with Daughter. She knows my concerns; but isn't prepared to allow any of them disuade her from following her chosen path. She "loves him" and that makes everything "ok". I refrained from saying that "love' will not pay bills--it what parents are for.lol.
Let's just hope that something interfers with this plan and she gets her eyes opened.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Looks like you'll be picking up her pieces in a year or so.Originally Posted by SaharaJim
I think you did as much as you could do. Let's hope WC is right and this ends before it gets too far along. But, I'm not so sure.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
Some people are headed for a train wreck and no amount of talking will dissuade them. She will have to suffer the consequences. Ask her straight out if she will want you and your wife to help her pick up the pieces in a few years when everything blows up. If she is typical, she will say she doesn't want help and won't need help. If you want, you can remind her of this when she comes looking for help. i know it's cynical, but you may be able to indemnify yourself somewhat and as an added bonus, she may start to think about the situation since she guaranteed it would last.
You had a chat with the step daughter, now leave it alone.
Some people learn best from their mistakes.
She's an adult and has been for many years. It's time for you to let it go.
Being a step parent isn't easy. You have to deal with the results but really don't have much say or authority.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Reguardless of her choices her mother and I will be there for her. I just dread that she will end up alone and pregnant or with a child. Seems to be Sluggo's pattern.
I really expect that he will be totally worthless once she is pregnant and feels that she "has to make it work". Her mother and I are really too old to raise a baby..but I fear that that is what will happen. Heavens! we have a tough time dealing with my wife's Christmas present that "arrived" a month early. Cute little mini dachshund...a cocktail weinie as it were. Oh well.. thanks for the ear . Maybe I am TOTALLY wrong about Sluggo...maybe I'll win the lottery tomarrow too. LOL
Sahara Jim,
You seem a very Good Loving Man, Husband, Step Dad, Friend, Pet Parent ..
And I would suggest that you offer your " Daughter & Future Hubby to be " A Gift Certificate for Him getting SNIPPED.
The Greatest Christmas Present You & Your Wife can Give Both Him & your Daughter is Protection from Pregnancy until they are Finacially Stable and can afford to bring your Grand Child in the World with all the Loving things and Stability it Deserves .
Posting Permissions
LinkBack URL
About LinkBacks
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks