Betrayal and Acceptance Why?

**JustHormonious** · 12-02-2010 01:23 PM

This question is for all: The Husbands, Wives, Boyfriends and Girlfriends on this forum. This is a question that boggles my mind, honestly.

I will admit that I have a black and white personality when it comes to certain issues, but not all. The issue at hand: Betrayal, infidelity, unfaithfulness, adultery, cheating or whatever it is called these days, is just unacceptable, in my mind.

Why are so many people willing to accept this behavior as if it is just another part of being in a relationship, something that they need to work on or work through. I understand it's hard and it hurts to make a decision when faced with this reality. I've been there.

At the age of 22 I filed for a divorce because my husband cheated. He was my best friend since the age of 7, and the father of my two very young children. I remember the day I found out, for me it was cut and dry, the locks had to be changed before he came home, and I needed to get to the bank to withdraw attorney fees before I confronted him.

As of this day, he is still a cheater and is with a wife that has tolerated it for 20 years. I speak with her at least once a month because she has been a wonderful step-mother to my children over the years. She is emotionally drained but has made the decision to remain married to him until their daughter leaves for college, she has 2 more years. Why? She is educated and earns a six figure salary.

I left the marriage for my myself and my children. She has stayed for her daughter. What does this teach our children?

This is just my opinion... What is yours?

**ManINeedACoffee** · 12-02-2010 01:44 PM

I'm a bit in the same boat as you - cheating is unacceptable and I have a zero-tolerance policy on it. There is no way I could go back to trusting after a betrayal like that. I would never cheat on my partner, and I don't think it's too much to ask that he give me the same courtesy.

I'm not sure why some women decide to stay and just deal with it, and act as though it's a normal part of a relationship. To me, it isn't normal. Some people are saying that fidelity is becoming obsolete. To me, that's a cop-out. Sometimes couples are able to work through it, and more power to them if they can, but if one partner continues to cheat while the other does not...well...that's not much of a marriage/relationship, is it?

**rcoreyus** · 12-02-2010 05:42 PM

Of course opinions differ. For me, cheating isn't all that important. I consider it only a mild betrayal IF it does not directly affect your sex-life (you aren't being replaced by the cheating), and IF all proper precautions against disease and pregnancy are taken.

To me, cheating does not directly harm your partner. You can see this from people who thought they had a happy relationship, then found out that their SOs had been cheating for months. If they didn't find out, they would not be hurt.

I know I'm in the great minority here. If I found out my wife had been cheating, I would be unhappy only because I would assume that is the reason she doesn't want to sleep with me anymore. Lets say she were having an lesbian affair - that wouldn't bother me at all - it just means that she is interested in women, not men.

I'm also unusual in that I have no interest in a relationship with someone who doesn't want me - no desire to "keep" my wife. If she ever decides she prefers to be with someone else, she is free to go with my blessing.

**WildChild** · 12-02-2010 07:16 PM

My first husband had multiple affairs, the only one that bothered me was the one he was in love with and had been before we met. As far as I know he had no actual physical contact with her as she had dumped him and moved to another state. It was the emotional attachment that hurt me. The women he had physical relationships weren't a concern except that he did manage to reinfect me yeast infections. Once I left him and was treated I had no further trouble with them.

I see no problem with an open relationship, IF that is what Both want and agree to. There have to be ground rules of course. I know several couples who have such an arrangement and they seem very devoted to each other and are aware sexual activity with others. There is no sneaking and hiding.

Having an open honest relationship is a very different thing than lying, sneaking and deceiving.

As for myself, in all honesty, how I would feel about this is hard to say. I've been in open relationships but really they were more dating more than one person, I wasn't living with or in love with anyone. When I truly love, I don't really feel attracted to anyone else. As I mature I am more open to options and it is possible that if I were really secure in a loving relationship, I might be able to handle an open relationship, simply bacause I would know it could not harm the love I gave or received. I guess is rather like porn, not a big deal if it isn't taking away from what you have. Of course there have been very few men who could keep up with me- so maybe that wouldn't work....

Of course if I'm not really emotionally attached, it's not a big deal as long as they are safe about it.

**Colorado** · 12-02-2010 08:19 PM

Zero-tolerance here...

**WildChild** · 12-02-2010 09:45 PM

Dealt with too many men who can't keep their pants zipped, of course one would like to think that as they mature they get past that but I see quite a few now getting into midlife crisis and trying to prove to themselves that they've still got it. Some of them have hit on me. Can't help but wonder why they can't take care of what they have at home. It gets frustrating, I've been in supposedly commited relationships (like marriage) with men who screwed around. As a single I've dated someone a time or two and then had then let slip that they are married. I'm not one to jump into bed with them first shot out the gate so I haven't gotten into that mess.

I'd rather have honesty and an open relationship than lying and being deluded thinking everything was something it wasn't.

I do think that the ultimate is to have enough love, caring, communication and committment on both sides that there is no interest in looking elsewhere.

**JustHormonious** · 12-02-2010 10:09 PM

WC - I hope this new year will bring you... your ultimate. My goodness the whole package and works on her own cars...WTF is wrong with these men!!!

**WildChild** · 12-02-2010 11:07 PM

Originally Posted by JustHormonious

WC - I hope this new year will bring you... your ultimate. My goodness the whole package and works on her own cars...WTF is wrong with these men!!!

Men may briefly find women who use tools and have a somewhat mechanical bent of interest, but so far my experience has been that they just don't grasp the idea that they could clean up pretty well and be worth taking out. But then I've only been at this relationship stuff for 39 years so who knows what I may have missed?
LOL