Coping when my boyfriend goes out..

**pixie8989** · 12-06-2010 11:44 AM

I find it difficult to "cope" when my boyfriend goes out with his friends.. we are both at university together but don't live together, most of the time we go on a night out together and we do spend a lot of time together.
He will occasionally go out with his male uni friends or his friends from home but when he does I feel incredibly uneasy and don't like him going. This sounds incredibly possessive but I have and would never stop him from going. I don't even feel that it is a trust matter, but I just feel that he will find someone better and leave me, okay so this may sound like self esteem now but normally I am quite a confident and sociable person who is happy with the way they look etc etc... One thing that does annoy me and I have told him this (and this is the one thing that we fall out about) is that he will say that he is not going to a club and doesnt want to go to a club, but in the morning tells me he has been to one. I'm not bothered that he does, i just don't like the fact he says he isn't going to one. like he is trying to save face.
When we first started seeing each other (not officially), I went home for a few days and during this time he did something with one of his flat mates - which I found out about a few weeks after (not via him) - he claims they didn't have sex and that he can't remember because he was so drunk, but I think this is the reason I feel the way I do. This happened over 2 years ago and I am happy with him now and hope he would never do it again - but there is always that feeling of "i'm not good enough for him" and I just want some advice on how to stop feeling this way. He's going out tonight and I'm just so fed up - hence this post!!
Maybe it is a trust issue because I think of scenarios in my head of when he's out and him chatting up/pulling other girls and believe he is like that, when he most likely isn't - help? xx

**lizzardb63** · 12-06-2010 01:10 PM

First off, you need to remember that when he messed around with the other girl when you were at home, you weren't "officially together." Not only that, but if you were that early into your almost relationship, he may not feel as deeply for you as he does now. From the way it sounds, you've been together for 2 years, don't you think his feelings for your and the love he has for you is much stronger than his sexual urges? If you want this relationship to work, you HAVE to trust him, because you cannot always be together, nor is it healthy to be. He needs to have his own social life and so do you...so here is what I do when my boyfriend goes out (because I totally understand those feelings, it is part distrust and part insecurities). When my boyfriend goes on (which he is on Sat on a Bachelor party, YIKES!) I go out too!!! Going out with my friends and having a good time keeps my mind off the things that he "could" (but probably isnt) doing!

You not only have a good time and make memories with your friends, but the time goes a lot quicker and you won't think about it much.

Have you tried talking to him about it at all? How does he react when you bring up this past incident?

**Seeker_Advice** · 12-06-2010 04:13 PM

Sounds a bit Co-Dependent to me. Have you done any reading on this, codependence, subject matter? I would encourage you to do so.

**Moa** · 12-09-2010 05:02 AM

Completely agree with lizzardb63!!! Although my husband doesn't really go out much without me (in fact, a few times a year), whenever he does I'm happy because I have a great excuse to go out with my friends without him

. If your bf likes clubbing that much but is scared of telling you that he is going to a club again, maybe it's because he just doesn't want you to worry and feel bad? Plus you know, sometimes I don't intend to go to a club or stay out late but then I meet my friends, have a drink and it seems like a good idea! The main thing is that he tells you in the morning which means there's nothing to hide. (My opinion)

**lizzardb63** · 12-11-2010 09:15 PM

My boyfriend is out on a bachelor party right now and we have a bad blizzard (10-14 inches of snow). I am not worried about him cheating, but worried about the travel. They have a bus, but still. How can I stop worrying about it?!

**JuliaBarill** · 12-13-2010 06:23 AM

gurl id put my foot down and tell him how it is and if he dont like it then dont talk to him...if you meen that much chose you. <3

**JadedQueen** · 12-14-2010 01:30 AM

When he goes out is it just with the guys or do his friends girlfriends go with them? I think I'd only have a problem if everyone else's girlfriend went and he didn't invite you along. Why don't you get together with some female friends and have a girls night out the nights he goes out? Everyone couple needs a little time apart. You need to work on your insecurities, I totally understand where they are coming from if he has cheated in the past.