Thread: Left after an abortion.

Chandler has a really good response to this. His behavior can be explained through other aspects of his life, aka he seems more like a "dreamer" than a "doer." This is further exemplified by the fact that he couldn't even state what he wanted to do about HIS child's life. I think once it finally hit him how serious all this was that happened, he wanted to bail because he's not too serious about anything right now and is realizing this. I find it hard to believe work is a priority in his life when he hasn't had a job in his late twenties. He sounds like the kind of guy who'll send you flowers on your birthday, but forget to pay the bills and put gas in the car. Rest assured, he does want to be emotionally involved with you (or someone in general) but realizes that he can't provide for another person or make stuff happen without effort that he's not ready to put in. I really wouldn't be surprised if you found him wondering back to you down the road once he is on his own and matures a bit. A woman and man who go thru an abortion together usually develop a special bond. I've seen many relationships that simply aren't working tough it out because the woman at one point got pregnant and had the abortion. It's a different bond, but a bond nonetheless.

The real question is, don't you think you deserve someone with more maturity than this guy? Do you really wanna wait around for a man to catch up to your level? Don't just look into those little moments that made you smile like when he got you the flowers and said he wanted to move in with you, but the bigger red flag moments that hurt you with his behavior (like him being able to eat a hearty lunch while you were aborting his child). Something tells me you know something is wrong with this situation but are willing to ignore it to make things work because you really like him.

I must agree about what most here have said.

The one thing I will put in is the fact that it is Ultimately the Woman's Decision to Abort or not. But I must add that it is Both Partners that make the decision to have sex when either or Neither ar Protected from having a Child..

Not Everyone that is Madly in Love ,Married or have other feelings, are Ready to become Parents...

When and If a pregnancy occurs, Both should be involved, ( New tests that can show you within 1 week of missing your Period) are like $10.. As Accurate as a Dr's Visit ..

Looking at the Situation, you gave .. 2 Adults, living in Separate homes with Separate Parents. One attempting to finish School, Maybe having a Degree.

You Ran out of Birth Control ? And He Did Nothing to protect ? The Word is NO , No Sex until we get some Protection .
We are Not Protected.

There are so many places that he can get Condoms and you also other things for Protection.. For FREE!!

I am Sorry but also Proud that you made the Decision for YOU not to have a Child at this time. I think that is why there is a " Decision " made by us women these days .. ( Laws ) and not necessarily Religious ones..

It is Thankfully We have the Choice to Love, When and Where and Who. ( USA)

And For How Long ??

Only Your Loving Grand Parents/Family Members can Advise you on your Choices to Become a Mother/Father Or Not.

And Simply said ..
Having Sex has a possibility of Being a Parent,
Every time.. Unless YOU Say, Not this time and use Protection from it .

Or you are past the Menopause that lets us "Mature Women that DID it , Been There and Still have Virgins in their 20"s living Home ""

Still a Scary Thought .. But think of you & him Together for 20 years ?

Can you see him in 20 years ? Can You see You In 20 Years ?
Can You See Children and Grandchildren in 20 Years ?

You Made a Choice.. For the Next 20 years.. If you felt OK with it, it"s a good Choice, If you Feel Bad about it. It show's your Maturity and your vision of who you will become.

Originally Posted by ren_07

A woman and man who go thru an abortion together usually develop a special bond. I've seen many relationships that simply aren't working tough it out because the woman at one point got pregnant and had the abortion. It's a different bond, but a bond nonetheless. .

This is so true. I have had two abortions, the first one was much like yours in the sense that the decision was made by me and not him, and in the end he did not come to my appointments and took off out of town to go live with family. But after his grief wore off we remained close and had a special bond even after four years. My bond with him almost came in the way of the relationship I am in now, actually! My second abortion was more of the decision of the boyfriend I was with at the time, and I had really wanted to keep it, but he didn't. We broke up after six months of dating but remained closely bonded for two years. I still feel a close bond to him but have cut off all communication with him for other reasons.

I agree with Chandler and it would be redundant for me to try and say anything else to match her words. And since you are new to the forum, I'll let you know if you ever need good advice, Chandler's got it.

But also know that you and him will ALWAYS have that special bond, and it will be a bond that no one else can share with you or understand. I don't know why a bond remains after and abortion, maybe it's because you both know deep down that you created a life together that could have changed your lives...but it's there and trust me, it's strong. You may be separated but there will be a bond there and both of you will treasure it and find it hard to let go. Take that into consideration when it comes to moving on past this relationship, because moving on sounds like the best decision right now.

I agree with what CW and others have said here. You haven't done anything wrong - he wasn't making any decisions, and you finally were adult enough to make one. Sure, ultimately, it was YOUR decision, but he needs to have the maturity to be in on it, and to be ready to deal with all that comes with it. It sounds like he had plenty of talk for you - saying he was happy about the pregnancy, saying you two could move in together without really putting the effort into looking for places. But, in the end, ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. Never believe someone's words unless their actions back it up. It doesn't sound like he took much of anything very seriously...having an abortion must've made things more serious than he was ready for.

Don't blame yourself for this - I know that's one of the first things we do when someone breaks up with us, but don't keep going over things and wondering what you did wrong - relationships take two and it's never entirely one person's fault.

Hi MoMo,
Let me say this.....I am sorry you have experienced one of the hardest things a women has to go through. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are taking care of yourself. I understand that focusing on him right now is something that most women would do. Personally, I don't feel that the focus should be on him. Most men(boys) of this age are not matured yet. They run due to the fact adulthood and anything to do with that scares them to death. My suspicion is no matter how you may have handled this, he was going to run. My feeling is also it would be much more hurtful for you to look at a child everyday and explain why this man ran. If this boy could not handle the seriousness of your decision (which I suspect you made on your own because he was dragging his feet, due to immaturity again) how could he handle the seriousness of a lifetime commitment to a child. It is a lifetime commitment, not until they are 18 as some unfortunately feel. Some people drag their feet on making decisions so others will, it's easier that way so they can blame or let that other person take the heat for what the outcome of the final decison was. I am not saying what happened was right wrong or upside down. Either way you got hurt. That means it is unfortunate and sad. What you can do is learn to screen immature boys from men in the future. It isn't always easy they hide behind smiles and wit and charm. Boys have a lot of that. Men stand and stay and have some calmness in their growth that they show. Sorry for your loss. May you find peace in your decision and move on. This was not the right time for you. He was not the right "man" for you. He did not stay and stand by you.
Much love. You deserve better. You stood up for what you needed.

I am 26 as well and I broke up with my last ex after I found out she had an abortion in a previous relationship about 10 years ago. I couldn't stand the thought of being with someone who murdered their own child. I can't even imagine how I would have felt had it been mine, so I can understand where he is coming from.