Does it all go down after marriage?

**asiangrace** · 12-14-2010 05:34 PM

People are beginning to scare me about the idea of marriage. In previous posts, I have mentioned how strongly my boyfriend of twenty-six months and I are in love and insanely attracted to each other. It has been over two years and we're STILL that way. Of course, we have our arguments and the days when it seems like we are both pmsing, but all-in-all it has been nothing but wonderful. He is my best friend and companion. We want to get married within the next year or so and have kids after I get my Masters degree, which will be in a few years.

Here is the problem.... I see so many unhappy marriages that had started off wonderful like what my boyfriend and I have and then soon after marriage, it seems to all crumble apart.

I'll be talking to people about how wonderful my boyfriend is and they'll say something like, "oh, honey, it won't be like that forever. Just wait til you two get married"....

Um...thanks a lot?

Sometimes I think I just want to date him forever and forego the marriage because of how I see marriages crumble apart even after a very short time after the wedding.

Anyone still happily in love after marriage? Why does marriage change things???

**kristalyn_04** · 12-14-2010 05:58 PM

It shouldn't change things. Marriage is but a piece of paper. It's what is in your heart that matters, the way you live your lives together. Don't let what others say determine what your relationship will be like in the future. It's up to the two of you, and should not be based on statistics or hearsay.

**jns** · 12-14-2010 08:11 PM

Marriage doesn't change being in love, but people changing can cause changes. I think many believe that getting married is the ultimate destination and after that they no longer have anything on such a level to look forward to. As such, they no longer put out as much effort. This can lead to destruction of the foundation of their relationship. After they remove enough of the foundation, the marriage will crumble. The key is consider marriage to be but a gateway, but the ultimate goal is to continue forward together and, at the same time, continue building the marriage and the foundation of the marriage.

**stressed** · 12-14-2010 09:17 PM

Do you live together or just date?

**asiangrace** · 12-14-2010 10:01 PM

We have lived together for two years now. I live in his house and we have been compatible from day one. No one person is stuck with all the chores or responsibilities or bills. We share a bed, but each have our own "rooms" for when we need space or quiet time.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-14-2010 11:48 PM

Good question stressed...

asiangrace, if people could get married and live happily ever after without any effort, what would that be like?

If you want a degree, you work for it. If you want to own that new car, you work for it. If you want a good marriage, you work for it...

The key is if you are compatible, if you are in love, if you can live together, if you can accept all the little things about each other, if you can laugh together, and if you can talk together, compromise....

If you break those, one by one, they all go and then marriages are strained...

The people that state it changes? I would say married the wrong people.. I did, he changed, once he had a ring on my finger and I call it, all the above wasn't there, rather we lived in hope it would work...

**oxy-moron** · 12-23-2010 11:15 PM

Chandlers Wish is right that you have to work for it.
When you have children they will boost your bond without effort. However that can put you off your guard. I think that after the last child has gone through the cuddle phase some people are caught napping and do not pick up the workload to keep the relationship bond strong. I believe that the cuddling nurturing of a relationship that you probably do automatically now needs to be maintained for the life of the relationship. As long as someone in the relationship has this in mind you will be all right.
As per everything else in life it requires work. Of course if things become too one sided there can be resentment but if both parties know that it doesn't work by magic but by conscious effort it should be OK.
Good luck.