Thread: I think my son is depressed??? Any advice???

Hello there. I am hoping someone can help me with regards to my, I think, depressed son (he is 19 years old). I know this is a bit long winded, but feel you need all the facts to understand the situation.

He is in a long term relationship with a lovely girl who has bipolar, I have always been a little worried about the situation as I felt he was too young to take on that sort of responsibility. Her mother, is too, a manic depressant and drinks and can get very nasty, or so he has told me. I have tried to be supportive of his relationship and get on well with her. I was hoping that eventually the relationship would fizzle out and that he would move on. Well quite the opposite seems to be happening, he spends less time at home and more and more time at his girlfriends. He now has a part time job (as he is at college) working for her father (based at their home.) I get the feeling that he is basically holding their family together and being the responsible adult in that situation. As from what he tells me they seem somewhat dysfunctional, there always seems to be some sort of drama happening. I know he loves her dearly, but wonder if he is mistaking love for something else as I believe that she is now totally dependent on him and that even if he could leave the relationship he will leave her too damaged and won’t be able to cope with the guilt and that she will end up in a mental institution (his own words).

He broke down last night and we had a long chat, and he only seems to remember everything bad from his childhood and seems to have blocked out any of the good times (which were plentiful). I know this to be true because as we were chatting his younger brother (17) who was also listening and included in the conversation, said to him that it wasn't like that at all and that he has many fond memories, and I bought them both up the same.

I left their father and the three of us moved back to England in 2003, and yes it was difficult, (especially the first 6 weeks) but they both seemed to be coping very well with all the adjustments. They did great at school, met new friends etc. Unfortunately their father has been a real let down to them both as he is a very selfish man (one of the reasons I left him) he only thinks of himself. I never stopped them seeing him, but unfortunately he has never been that interested in them. No birthday cards, one phone call maybe once every 3 months, that sort of thing, and I know that he has taken that quite badly and he has told me that he thinks of his father as dead now as I think its his way of dealing with the rejection.

I feel like I have let him down, as he tells me that he feels like he had no childhood and felt like he had to be the adult at 11 years of age. I realise that he did help me through those difficult times, but I always had their best interests at heart and always put them first in every aspect realising that they were just children. I always tried to make sure they had everything they needed and have always been affectionate and loving towards them, letting them know how much they are loved. My younger son has fond and happy memories so how can they both be so different, how can I help him to realise that his life was not that awful and that he is loved and cherished by his family dearly. He seems so sad these days and he used to be such a happy well liked young man. He tells me that he can’t wait to go to university to “get away from it all” but I can’t understand why he wants to get away from us too…. It’s breaking my heart knowing that he feels so empty inside (his own words, he tells me that he has no emotions at all and he thinks there is something wrong with him because of this. I have tried to explain to him that nothing could be further from the truth as he is such a kind and warm person and if he had no emotions how could he be that way) I feel like he is slipping away from us and I am so worried about him......Please any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you