The Notebook

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-02-2011 05:01 PM

Have you seen it?

I remember seeing it for the first time in 2004 and feeling for the first time like someone understood the kind of love I'd dreamt of my whole life. 7 years later, I still feel the same. I know...some of you'll read this and think "Movies aren't reality"....but that's not my point. I don't want the movie, I just want the kind of love portrayed in it. Love like that has to exist. It has to. I think if I lost hope, it would be easier. I'd just find someone I was fairly compatible with and be content. But I haven't lost hope and it pulls at my heart strings every time I'm in a new relationship.

We're 4 months into a new relationship. He wants to do things with me, wants to be around me, he's smart, funny, ambitious. But he doesn't look at me......you know.....like that. He doesn't touch me often, and he says "I guess I just don't show affection often". But he did show me affection the first couple mths. It was just right, I loved it. I have told him these things, he knows how I feel. I don't want to be smothered (my last bf smothered me, needing constant affection and reassurance).........but I do want to be touched. I do want someone to put their arms around me sometimes, to hug me, to look at me in the eyes and kiss me........ is that too much? Just when I think I have found someone who just might be that one, they get comfortable and show me who they really are, which is most often quite different from who they portrayed themselves to be in the beginning. It doesn't mean anything is wrong them.......but when or will I ever find the one who I can have the kind of love with that I'm longing for? I know no one has an answer to that.....really, I mean I don't either........

I remember when my cousin and her now husband were 4 months into their relationship, and ironically, were watching "The Notebook" one evening. He pulled her close to him and said "I love you like Noah loves Allie". He was not the ladies man type, didn't have much relationship experience, but there was NEVER any question as to whether he loved her or not. She has never questioned it. Not once. I want to love and be loved like Noah loved Allie.

**Texinator** · 01-02-2011 07:38 PM

LMAO... I've been having the opposite problem http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...ds-myself.html

Apparently it's a common problem that many men aren't really into showing their affection, and when they are hands on, it's often because they're just hoping it will lead to the bedroom. Things might be different in the early stages of a relationship, of course, when a lot of people make an extra effort to "sell" themselves to the other person, but the persona they're selling isn't the true self to which they revert once they feel comfortable enough in the relationship.

So it's not you... But I understand all that isn't necessarily going to make you feel better when you're already in a relationship and wish things were different.

**jns** · 01-02-2011 07:53 PM

Beautiful D, that type of love is possible, but unfortunately I don't believe your bf is capable at being that way day after day, month after month, year after year. He has been honest with you about not feeling the same way as you do about touching, hugging, kissing. He was somewhat different when he was courting, because that is what he learned to do while courting.

Lately he has opened up enough for you to see the real him. To be that way, feel that way, he would have had to start at a young age and be almost dyed in the wool. I doubt he can learn that way of expressing himself. Can you be happy with the way the real him is?

On this forum would we give advice to hang on in the face of seemingly abandonment and continue to build monuments to unrequited love? I'm not sure the love that Noah felt for Allie and the fact that he let it dictate his life to some degree is advice we would want to give. However the idea is very romantic.

**Texinator** · 01-02-2011 08:00 PM

I'll need to watch that sometime, by the way. I've heard it brought up a lot, along with He's Just Not That Into You, but I haven't seen either.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-02-2011 08:02 PM

It's not just the touchy feely part Texy. My last bf just needed to touch me all the time. But it was like a reassurance insecure thing. It was so over the top that it drove me bonkers. I just want someone to look at me that certain way....you know, that look, that trust, that knowing the person LOVES you with all their heart, and would do anything in the world for you. I have so much passion and so much love to give.......but I simply cannot allow myself to give it to someone who's not giving that to me in return. Affection is only part of that. I'm not an affectionate person, it's a conscious effort for me.....but an effort that I make as long as it's being reciprocated to some extent. But the other parts of it are compassion, protectiveness, loyalty, trust, chemistry, dependability etc. I want someone to WANT to take care of me, as much as I want to take care of them, both of us full well knowing that we neither NEED anyone to take care of us. *sigh*

**Texinator** · 01-02-2011 08:08 PM

Yeah, I get it, you want someone to show you their passion for you, instead of either seeming on the distant side or going to the other extreme and draping themselves over you like a cheap suit. In other words, they should have neither an indifference toward being with you nor a need, but rather a desire, and they should communicate that desire to you. I suppose it's not limited to just physical interaction but also include little thoughtful gestures that show they care about you without being obsessive about you.

I guess it comes down to what jns said... he's probably not going to change much, if at all, so you have to ask yourself if you can be happy with - not just tolerate but be genuinely happy with - the real him?

**kristalyn_04** · 01-02-2011 08:11 PM

I know exactly what you're talking about, BD. I want that too some day, I've always been the one to give it but not get it in return. I know how much that hurts... it has kind of made me afraid to try again for fear of getting hurt again.

But, for you, the question is, are you willing to just settle for who your bf is, a guy that clearly does not reciprocate the way he should, or do you want to seek out that guy who will give you everything you deserve? I know you've heard that before from others here, but the choice is yours.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-02-2011 08:16 PM

JNS - very true. I wouldn't want someone to grieve their life away for me, nor would I want to do that for anyone. I just want the kind of love they shared. As for the touching hugging and kissing, my current bf and I talked about that in the beginning and totally agreed we're not the all over you types. But we still showed each other affection, a hug, an arm around me, my hand on his leg, a kiss, a sweet message, he called me "baby". Now, he can be with me for 4-5 hours at a time and not touch me unless I initiate it. He says "I guess I just don't notice"..........but how do you not notice...we've been dating 4 months, not 40 years. But then he seems to want to do things with me often. Its confusing and leads to insecurity which I don't enjoy. I'm trying to get to know him, who he really is and see if these are things he and I can work through while still grow together. It's too soon to tell. I just know the kind of love I want and the kind of love that will make me not fear commitment...........

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-03-2011 11:08 AM

I suppose this is what dating is all about. Time is the only thing that lets you get to know someone because as you eluded JNS, it's consistency that is important. And I agree, I do think love like Noah and Allie had does exist, but I do think it's very rare. I'm still learning this new guy....I'm home sick from work today and he's already messaged me several times to check on me and asked if I needed anything and wants to stop by after work. To me, that is a very nice sign of affection. He may be someone that takes a while to let his feelings show too...so I know i"ve got to give it time to get to know him. But no, I don't want to settle for less than I know I deserve, and if I'm with someone that doesn't touch me and show me that I'm wanted and loved, then that will not make me happy.

**Texinator** · 01-03-2011 11:10 AM

Hope you get well soon, Bella Donna

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