Thread: Relationship problem

Originally Posted by Little_Miss_Me

I'm sorry, this might be long.

I need help when it comes to getting someone back.

Great relationship, no problems. We were desperately in love with each other. I always had a realistic view on relationships, and usually shot for being content with a good person. After meeting him, however, that changed. Dramatically. To keep from getting too wordy, realize, this was like nothing I had experienced before. And I'm not inexperienced.

We got into a short/first fight. Ever been around someone too long? I think that's what happened. We had seen each other almost every waking moment not spent at work together. He told me I was being annoying. I left him to give us both the space I thought was needed. After a week of distance, he seemed indifferent to everything. It was as if he didn't want to get back together, ect. So after talking through with each other, he decided it was best that we just stayed friends. The only two reasons he gave me was 1.) He's a good friend of my brothers, and doesn't want situations between he and I to interfere with his friendship 2.) I'm too young. (I'm 22, he's 27. While age isn't a big factor, he's lived life much more than I have. He's spent 3 years in the Middle East, has a 6 year old son, was married from 18-25, ect.)

The first step I did was kinda focus on myself. I lost weight, I started training a co-worker to take the management position so I could get back in school, and I went out with friends, and tried to really work on my love life. Let's face it, if someone isn't willing to work on a relationship after the first fight... the likelyhood of it working out is slim to none.

In a matter of 2 months, I've dated 18 guys. I've picked every single one of these really good guys apart within the first few dates. The past month, I've kinda just given up on dating. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to me. I just don't have a heart to give to someone else. Which is fine. Time heals all wounds, right?

Last week was my first week back into college. My brother and I have been best friends my entire life, and we've always been partners in just about everything we do. We both want to work on medical parts, and while we have the engineering back ground for it, we actually need the machining part of it as well. The program for machining has everyone in the same class, being taught by the same teacher. Which is great seeing as I'm in there with my older brother, but it also means I'm in there with my ex. We're good ex's. We have lunch together with a couple other people from class. Laugh. Talk. He always tells me about his son (who I adored). Everything.

It takes five minutes before I realize why I couldn't date anyone else. He's it. He's what I want. He's the person I'm in love with. A look makes my stomach flutter. A touch gives me shivers. Every time he smiles at me, I just melt.

Everything I've read has told me to be gracious. Look the best I can (which, I have to say I've been doing a good job of). Agree with the break up. Show him you have a life outside him, and he'll realize he'll want to be apart of it. Don't mope (which isn't really like me anyway). Basically be the best you you can be. That seems pretty easy, and I do it.

And it seems to work? (Oh, might help if I mention, while I've only been going to school for a bout a week, even when I worked me, my brother, my ex, and a few others would always go out to lunch together -- so we've seen each other at least 3 times a week since the break up.) Like, it's so confusing.

At the beginning of the day, he'll be kinda cold to me. Not rude, but more friend like than anything else. As the day progresses, he relaxes, flirts with me, and it feels as if I've jumped into a time capsule back towards the beginning of our relationship. Then the next day, morning is back and he's distant again.

So, finally, to my questions.

Do you think I have a chance of getting back with him? If so, do you think I still need to keep it how it is? Or do you think it'd be more effective if I told him that I'm still in love with him?

If you don't, why? Help me understand.

If I were to give myself advice, I'd say that it was just a silly fling where he had his fun, and at the hint of any responsibility, he left. And the only reason he's flirting now is because he just wants to use you for "fun" again. But -- after experiencing the feelings I felt with him, and only him, I just can't get that through my thick skull.

I just wanted a man's perspective, but ladies, I'd love to hear it from you as well. =)

Thanks! Sorry it's so long!

Somewhere in your relationship he lost the feeling of being in love with you. When it came time to break up after your first fight, it wasn't really too hard for him as he did not "feel" the relationship.

The telling you about his son is a family type of moment. He feels comfortable with you. This is good.

The first go round, he probably didn't feel that there was much of a base built and then you fell in love with him in only a short time. That intimidated him since he wasn't feeling in love to that degree at the same time and if you two had continued in a relationship he may have ended up feeling guilty when the in love infatuation stage ended for you. At the same time he wasn't sure if he would ever be that much in love.

The flirting is a way to rebuild a base to a relationship. He doesn't want things to progress too fast so he is coming off as cool at the start of the day. I don't believe he is toying with you. But he does need enough contact with you over time for his feelings to get sorted out and for his love of you to grow.

Do not tell him. He already knows from your actions. Take it slow for him to build a base. Allow him to fall in love with you. Let him overcome his worries about his friendship.