Trying to be supportive despite sheer lack of support........

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-20-2011 02:33 PM

How can you be supportive of a friend in a matter you do not support in any way?

She's my best friend. I love her dearly and unconditionally. She was in a relationship 3 years ago that lasted for 9 months. It was her first real relationship. It was toxic. Her SO was jealous, controlling, SUPER dramatic, excessively needy, wallowed constantly in self pity, even treated me badly after I had flown 3000 miles to see my friend (she did everything she could including tantrums and picking fights with my friend to ruin our time together....knowing I only get to see my friend once or twice a year). Basically for me it was a constant, almost every day thing I heard about. They were constantly fighting, breaking up, etc. After 9 months, her SO broke up with her and very quickly moved on with her life (had someone on the string quite obviously). My friend was crushed. I was there, of course, to talk with her daily, to help her through such a very dark time in her life.

In the past 3 years she has not dated anyone. She has shown no interest in anyone. A big part of that is because she has routinely kept in contact with this ex and she simply won't let go. Since the breakup, the ex has made NO improvements in her life, but has taken many steps back. She filed bankruptcy, lost her vehicle, doesn't work, smokes weed because she says she can't afford her depression meds, "tried" to commit suicide (attention seeking IMO), is estranged with her family, is going through a lawsuit with her sister, the list goes on and on and on. The difference now is that she's not dating anyone. When she is, she wants zero to do with my friend. My friend on the other hand is very intelligent, ambitious, beautiful, kind and has SO much to offer.

A few months will pass with no mention of the ex. Just about time I think maybe she's gotten past it, she brings it up again. It's always the same. They're not together, but they're "talking" and being "friends". *insert loud expletives here* I don't mince words with her about it, I can't......I owe her more than some candy coated response that I don't believe in at all. I loathe this girl...(her ex)......and I do not loathe many people. She is one of those people you just know is not a good person, self serving, self absorbed, manipulative and will keep my friend hanging on a string as long as she possibly can. My love for my friend is unconditional. That won't change. But how can I be supportive of her in something I do NOT support in any way shape or form?

**jns** · 01-20-2011 07:38 PM

The only way is to be there for your friend to help pick up the pieces. She has to learn the lessons of the relationship for herself and that is something you cannot do for her.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-20-2011 07:50 PM

You're right...I know I can't change this. The hard part for me is I honestly feel like if she gets back with this girl....and they move in together (which is highly likely given her ex's financial situation and lack of job)....I can't see myself even wanting to go visit. I can't see myself wanting to be around this girl period. But my friend is my sister (in my heart)..... do I have to subject myself to this poisonous negative person and put on a "face" just so I get to remain close with my friend?

And I'm angered by the thought that she asked my friend what I thought about them talking again. She treated me terribly, but most of all, she treated someone I love terribly. What does she think I'm going to think about it? I want to punch this girl. ................. seriously.

I worry about the repercussions of this on many levels.

**stressed** · 01-21-2011 07:29 AM

You can explain to her how you see her situation "from the outside". Tell her how her life got worse by being in that relationship with facts and without giving your own opinion. Mix good with bad signs, with an emphasis on the bad, but always say "whatever happens and whatever you choose I'll be there to support you, you know better because you are in the relationship, but I have to tell you what I see because I consider you my sister and can't let you keep hurting yourself without telling you these things". She'll appreciate your honesty, you'll give her something to think about and she'll also know you're there for her no matter what.

**pretzel** · 01-21-2011 08:44 AM

Quick thought,

Is being supportive a tacit approval of the relationship?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-21-2011 09:12 AM

Is being supportive a tacit approval of the relationship?

It seems that way to me. It's like showing up an an abortion rally in "support" of someone there, when you don't approve of abortion at all. Can you truly support the person when you don't approve of what they're doing? Only to a certain extent IMO. You can certainly act like you do....but do you really? I dunno....definitely a thought provoking statement.

"whatever happens and whatever you choose I'll be there to support you, you know better because you are in the relationship, but I have to tell you what I see because I consider you my sister and can't let you keep hurting yourself without telling you these things".

I sort of said this to her yesterday, just in different words. I told her that she may have friends that didn't know her 3 years ago and don't know what that relationship or what her ex is truly like, but I do.....and because I love her, I can't sit back and sugar coat this for her.

She for some reason believes her love for her ex will never go away, that somehow they're soulmates (she hasn't said this, but it has been implied). It's worrysome on many levels. It's not just her heart at risk though that is certainly a big factor.

1. Her ex was used to being taken care of by her mother. She's very spoiled and greedy. Her mother died. She now has no one to take care of her financially, thus the filing of bankruptcy, losing her vehicle, using her friends medical marijuana card because she "can't afford" her depression meds. My friend is very financially stable, works very hard, (but is soft and passive...)and though very cautious with her money....... her belief that she loves this person is overriding her good judgement, and I worry about what this could end up like for her financially.

2. My friends parents do not know her sexual preference. When she and her ex were together before, her ex pushed for that (even though my friends parents live 3000 away, in the south, bible belt, and are totally against homosexuality). Her ex was so controlling that she was willing to push my friend to reveal this to her family when she wasn't truly ready, all for her. This was my friends first real relationship and obviously her first female relationship. I always told my friend, "this will be a huge deal for your parents, you don't tell them until YOU are ready to tell them, not because someone you've been dating for 5 or 6 months and have broken up with 3 or 4 times is pushing you to. " Her ex is such a manipulator. She knows that will turn my friends parents upside down, and they will most likely shun her. I have no doubt this is a tactic on her part to get my friend to fall into her "understanding" arms....selfishness, not love. My friend now says "Well, I think I have changed alot since I was with her before. Like before I wouldnt' have told my parents, but now I think I would". My response "If telling them is what YOU want to do, then it shouldn't matter whether you're with her or not. Telling them is a good thing, when you're ready.....but not for anyone other than yourself".

3. Their previous relationship put our friendship in jeopardy. I mean, we didn't grow apart or lose our friendship by any means......but it was hard. Her ex didn't like for her to be on the phone with me when she was "spending time with her" (although that was every day). So it got to where if I called her she was barely talking to me, was short, conversations were one sided (me) and that was it. And then of course when I visited and she purposely picked fights with my friend to direct all the attention to herself. I got highly aggravated because every second I had with her, she was either texting or on the phone fighting with her. If we did anything, my friend acted miserable the whole time because they were fighting. One of the nights I was there, she even left me at her apartment and went and stayed all night with her gf because her gf was mad. I was only there for 5 nights. And we're talking one (maybe two on a good year) visit per year. I don't like the affect it had on our friendship.

I realize there is totally zero I can do to change any of this. I guess I really have no choice but to pretend like I'm supportive of her in this, even though I'm not. And that sucks, because it really goes against who I am. I'm very protective of the people I love. Mother bear I guess.

**pretzel** · 01-21-2011 10:04 AM

BD, I really truely wish you weren't in this position. It's no win no matter what you do or don't do. No matter where this goes or what you ultimately decide, remember you have a friend here.

Sometimes we have to let the ones we love fail. Sometimes the hardest lessons learned are the ones learned by oneself.

**WildChild** · 01-21-2011 11:19 AM

Lana, the book, Female Chauvinist Pigs, has a whole section on abusive lesbian relationships. Its not at all uncommon. I don't know if reading that would help but it might at least give some ideas. You might point out to her that abusers of both genders will isolate you from your friends and family, it provides that, I'm all you have, dependency. Your freind is a femme and very likely her gf is a boi. Sister/freind is looking for love and romance, gf is looking to dominate while being supported - very like some men I've known. You are right to be concerned but just as when a woman is drawn to an abusive man, getting through to them can be tough.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-21-2011 11:48 AM

Sometimes we have to let the ones we love fail.

It's all I can do. Though it's very difficult.

You are right to be concerned but just as when a woman is drawn to an abusive man, getting through to them can be tough.

Yes, like talking to a wall. It's also difficult because my friend is so intelligent, so level headed..........and to see her do this and act as if she is the total opposite of those things is confusing for me. If we were 16.....I'd understand it a little more I guess. I do, however, realize that her lack of relationship experience has probably stunted her in that area.

I was also thinking about this earlier. The fact that they dated for 9 months and my friend was never introduced to not one of her gf's friends. She was around her mother and sister because she lived with them. But no one else. On the contrary, her gf met several of her friends, and pushed and pushed for them all to know my friends sexual preference. Coming out to me, and to another friend who had also moved to that state was a huge deal for my friend. But it wasn't good enough. And even after, her gf went from fixating on "why haven't you told your friends about us" to being totally jealous of us even though I (having been her friend since age 8) and her other friend (who's a MAN!) were no threat whatsoever. You're right WC, it was an abusive relationship, but my friend refuses to see that in any way. Having full realization (which I do) that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, is very difficult for me.